Tag: narcissist

Healing Misunderstandings: A Mother’s Perspective

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Recently, I listened to my daughter’s podcast and heard her describe me as an “emotionally unattached parent.”

Those words landed like a punch to the gut.

Not because I think I was a perfect mother—no such thing exists—but because everything in my heart, my memories, and my lived reality says I was the exact opposite.

The Mother I Know I Was

I was the mom who showed up.

I was at the doctor’s appointments, dentist visits, sports practices, games, school events, and plays. I read bedtime stories, tucked her in, and whispered “you are so loved” more times than I can count. I called her my sunshine because she truly lit up every room she walked into, and my world revolved around making sure she knew that. I was essentially a single parent.

While her father focused on his career and traveled most of the time, I gave up mine to fill in the gaps to be two parents in one—emotional anchor, cheerleader, driver, tutor, advocate, and safe place. I was juggling not just her needs, but also her brother’s challenges and the weight of an abusive marriage I stayed in far too long because I believed keeping the family “together” was what the kids needed.

Was I tired? Absolutely. Overwhelmed? Often. But emotionally detached? No. If anything, I was hyper attached—tuned in, over-functioning, and constantly trying to fill in all the gaps.

When Love Starts Looking Like Limits

My daughter also shared how she “lost herself” because we moved a lot. I don’t dismiss that experience. Moving is hard on kids and teenagers. They leave friends, routines, and familiarity behind. Their grief is real.

At the same time, I remember those moves differently. I remember doing everything I could to make each new place feel like home. I remember the opportunities—great schools, new cultures, safe neighborhoods, travel experiences that many kids never get. I remember saying yes to activities and sports and adventures because I wanted her world to feel big, not small.

And then came the teenage years.

Like many teens, she went down a darker path—partying, drugs, and men who did not deserve her. That was when my role as “fun, cozy mom” had to shift. Love had to become boundaries. Curfews. Rules. Consequences. Hard conversations. Tears on both sides.

From the outside—or years later on a podcast—those years might look like “emotional disconnection.” From my side, it was the hardest, most courageous kind of love: stepping in, saying no, and refusing to watch my child self-destruct without intervening. I was doing my job – and well!

I was not abandoning her. I was fighting for her.

The Narcissist in the Middle

There’s another piece to this story that matters: I wasn’t co-parenting with a healthy partner. I was co-parenting with a man who has spent years rewriting reality, painting himself as the victim, and casting me as the “crazy, unstable, bad mom.” We were never on the same page; co-parenting.

During and after the divorce, he weaponized the kids’ love and loyalty. He has told them his version of events again and again—the one where I’m the problem, I’m the drama, I’m the unstable one. He knew my greatest fear has always been losing my relationship with my children, and openly threatened to ruin that bond.

That is the hallmark of narcissistic abuse: not just hurting you directly, but slowly eroding how others see you, especially your own children. Little digs. Half-truths. Stories told just skewed enough that you look like the villain.

And the painful part is this: I can see ways it’s working.

When my daughter sits behind a microphone and tells the world I was emotionally unattached, a part of me hears his voice coming out of her mouth. The same labels. The same distortions. The same rewriting of history where he’s the hero, and I’m the failure.

I don’t blame her for all of that. She was raised in the same fog I lived in for years. When you grow up around a narcissist, their story feels like the truth. Questioning it can feel like betrayal. It’s easier to side with the parent who seems powerful, successful, and certain than the one who’s been struggling, emotional, or broken open.

But just because a story is told with confidence doesn’t make it true.

Two Stories, One Past

What hurts the most isn’t just the label—it’s hearing our shared history told like a one-dimensional story where I’m the villain or the ghost.

She speaks publicly about the instability, the moves, the divorce, and my supposed absence… while leaving out the part where I was representing myself in court to save money because her father burned most of it on legal fees. She leaves out the part where I stayed longer than I should have in a toxic marriage to keep some form of stability. She leaves out the nights I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about how to afford their activities, school, and life while my own needs went on the back burner.

I don’t say this to shame her. She is allowed to tell her story. She is allowed to have her feelings, her lens, her pain.

But I am allowed to have mine, too.

God knows my heart. He saw the nights I lay awake, wondering if I was enough. He saw the times I almost broke, but got back up for my kids. He saw the ways I kept showing up, even when I was broke and broken. He also saw the manipulation, the gaslighting, and the quiet campaign to turn my own children against me.

Grace, Boundaries, and the 3 Choices

My daughter likes to talk about the “3 C’s” and the power of choice. In my own words, I see it like this:

  1. Complain – Stay stuck in the pain and replay the same grievances.
  2. Compare/Condemn – Focus on what others didn’t do perfectly and stay in blame.
  3. Celebrate – Acknowledge the good, the gifts, the ways love did show up—even in imperfect circumstances.

She has chosen, at least for now, to tell the story through complaint and condemnation. I wish she could also see the other side: that she never went without, that she had opportunities many children only dream about, that she had a mother who loved her fiercely and would have taken a bullet for her—who almost did for her, in some ways.

I’ve extended grace to her more times than I can count. There were times her actions hurt me deeply. Times she didn’t show up for me when I desperately needed her. Times I felt abandoned, judged, or dismissed. I could have gone public with those stories. I could have dragged her name through the mud, too.

I chose not to.

That, to me, is what grace and forgiveness look like: seeing someone’s flaws, recognizing your pain, and still choosing not to humiliate them.

The Boundary I Have to Hold

Hearing myself spoken about so harshly and inaccurately on a public platform—and knowing there is a narcissistic narrative behind it—has forced me into yet another boundary lesson.

I have always believed that love is supporting and lifting one another up—not breaking each other down for content or applause.

I still love my daughter. I am still proud of the woman she is becoming. I still pray for her and cheer for her from my corner of the world. But I also have to protect my own heart now.

I am too fragile—and frankly, too seasoned in this life—to continue being a doormat or a punching bag, even for people I love.

So this is where my boundary lives:

  • You can tell your story.
  • But you cannot continue to publicly distort mine without expecting me to step back and protect myself.

Maybe one day, if and when she becomes a mother, she’ll understand the deep, quiet, relentless selflessness that parenting really is—the way you hand your heart to your children and hope they won’t stomp on it when they’re older and hurting.

To Other Moms Who Feel Misunderstood

If you’re reading this and you, too, have been painted as the “bad mom,” the “emotionally unavailable” one, or the “problem” in someone else’s story—especially after surviving narcissistic abuse—please hear me:

  • Your memories matter.
  • Your version of events matters.
  • Your love and sacrifice count, even if they’re never fully recognized.

You can love your child and still hold boundaries. You can want reconciliation and still refuse to be humiliated. You can practice grace and still honor your own healing.

I have always believed that real love means supporting and lifting one another up—not tearing each other down.

God knows your heart, too. And even in the middle of heartbreak and confusion, I believe He is still capable of writing redemption into our stories. I don’t know exactly how my relationship with my daughter will heal or when, but I choose to keep a small light of hope burning—that one day we’ll be able to look at each other with softer eyes, kinder words, and a deeper understanding of how much we have always loved each other, even when she couldn’t see it clearly.

Why Boundaries Still Feel So Hard (Post Divorce)

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You’d think that nearly eight years after divorcing a narcissist and rebuilding my life, I’d be a pro at boundaries.

I talk about them. I teach them. I write about the importance of saying no, of choosing yourself, of walking away from what hurts.

And yet, here I am—still struggling to stick up for myself. Still feeling that old familiar pull to “just go along,” to keep the peace, to be the easy one, the accommodating one, the people pleaser.

Recently, that pattern exploded in my face.

The Moment I Lost It

I was with a friend who kept pushing and pushing—antagonizing me, poking at sore spots, and refusing to let it go. You know that feeling when your nervous system starts buzzing, your chest tightens, and you know you should say, “Enough. Please stop”? (which I did ask over and over…..)

Instead, I did what I’ve done a thousand times before: I tried to stay calm, tried to be polite, tried to “handle it.”

Until I couldn’t.

I erupted. I shouted. All the swallowed words and the pushed-down feelings came out in one messy wave. I am not proud of how I reacted—but I am also human. I apologized.

And here’s the kicker: instead of accepting my apology, this person escalated. They instigated another argument. They kept going, saying more hurtful things, twisting the situation, making it all my fault.

That dynamic? Oh, I know it far too well.

Being married to a narcissist taught me exactly how that script goes.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard After Narcissistic Abuse

People on the outside might say, “You’re divorced now. It’s been years. Why is it still so hard for you to speak up?”

Because my nervous system doesn’t know it’s been eight years.

It remembers:

  • What happened when I did speak up.
  • The punishment for having needs.
  • The silent treatment, the rage, the gaslighting.
  • Being told I was “too sensitive,” “selfish,” “dramatic,” or “crazy.”

When you’ve lived with that long enough, your brain learns a simple survival rule:
Keeping the peace = staying safe.

So I became very good at:

  • Reading the room.
  • Anticipating what everyone else needed.
  • Avoiding conflict at all costs.
  • Sacrificing myself so no one else would explode.

That survival strategy has a name: people pleasing, or in trauma language, the fawn response. It’s what happens when fight or flight or freeze aren’t options—so you make yourself small, agreeable, and convenient.

Even after the narcissist is gone, the pattern often stays.

The Cost of “Going With the Flow”

Here’s the problem: when I keep “going with the flow,” I’m usually the one drowning.

I let the comments slide. I ignore the red flags. I downplay the knots in my stomach. I tell myself:

  • “It’s not worth the fight.”
  • “Don’t be dramatic.”
  • “Just let it go.”

But I’m not really letting it go. I’m swallowing it.

And all of that builds up inside me—until something small tips the scale and I snap. Then I walk away feeling ashamed of my reaction, while completely skipping over the hundred boundary violations that led up to it.

After a conflict, my heart hurts. My chest physically aches. I replay every word. I wonder if I overreacted, if I’m the problem, if I’m somehow broken.

That’s not just overthinking. That’s PTSD.

When Friends Trigger Old Wounds

The hardest part is when the hurt doesn’t come from a romantic partner—but from a friend.

I don’t get into arguments often. I really do try to forgive, move forward, and keep things light. But when something hits that old nerve—when I feel mocked, pushed, cornered, or intentionally antagonized—it links right back to those years of being married to a narcissist.

Suddenly it’s not just about this one argument.

It’s about:

  • Every time I was made to feel “crazy” for having a feeling.
  • Every time I apologized just to stop the fight.
  • Every time I wished someone would simply say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

So when this friend doubled down after I apologized—when they chose to keep hurting instead of healing—it stung in a very old, very deep place.

Part of me wants to be the bigger person, rise above, ignore their hurtful words and actions. But if I’m honest? That “ignore it” approach ends up eating me alive.

Boundaries Are Not Meanness

Here’s what I’m slowly, painfully learning:

  • Having boundaries doesn’t make me mean.
  • Saying “that hurt me” doesn’t make me dramatic.
  • Walking away from someone’s repeated disrespect doesn’t make me unforgiving.
  • Refusing to be antagonized is not overreacting.

It makes me healthy.

For people who were conditioned to be people pleasers, boundaries often feel like betrayal—of others, and even of our old identity.

We were praised for being “nice,” “flexible,” “easygoing.” No one clapped for us when we said, “That’s not okay with me.”

So today, instead of trying to be the “cool girl” who lets everything slide, I’m trying to become the woman who:

  • Notices the discomfort early, instead of waiting until she explodes.
  • Speaks up the first or second time, not the tenth.
  • Gives one sincere apology—but doesn’t chase people who weaponize her vulnerability.
  • Honors her feelings instead of gaslighting herself.

What I Want If You See Yourself in This

If you’re reading this and nodding along—if you, too, feel guilty every time you set a boundary—I want you to know:

You’re not weak because this is hard.
You are not “behind” because you’re still struggling years later.
You are unwinding years of programming that told you:

  • Everyone else comes first.
  • Your discomfort doesn’t matter.
  • Your role is to absorb other people’s moods.

That doesn’t disappear just because the divorce papers were signed.

Healing is not linear. Sometimes it shows up in ugly ways—like shouting at a friend and crying on the drive home, wondering how you got there.

But that eruption is also data.

It’s your body saying, “Something here is not okay for me. I’ve been trying to tell you.”

What I’m Working On Moving Forward

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still very much in this with you.

But here’s what I’m trying to practice now:

  • Micro-boundaries. Instead of waiting until I’m boiling, I’m learning to say, “Hey, that didn’t feel good,” when it’s still a simmer.
  • Checking safety. Not everyone is a safe person for deep vulnerability. If someone repeatedly mocks, dismisses, or antagonizes me, that’s not a “friendship problem”—it’s a values problem.
  • Owning my reaction, not their behavior. I can take responsibility for shouting without excusing the repeated poking that pushed me there.
  • Letting apologies be enough. I can apologize once sincerely. If someone uses that as an opening to attack me further, that tells me everything I need to know.
  • Honoring my nervous system. If my heart is racing, my chest is tight, and I feel that trauma response—that matters. My body is not lying to me.

One Last Thing

My heart hurts after conflict. I feel it physically. And when someone I care about chooses to wound instead of repair, it reopens old scars.

But perhaps the invitation in all of this is not to become harder—but to become clearer.

Clearer about what I will and won’t tolerate.
Clearer about who gets access to me.
Clearer about the fact that my peace is not up for debate.

I’m still learning. I still slip back into people-pleasing. I still sometimes stay quiet until I can’t anymore.

But eight years after divorcing a narcissist, here’s what I know for sure:

I am worth protecting.
My boundaries matter.
And loving myself means listening when my heart says, This is not okay.

If that’s where you are too, you’re not alone. We can learn this together—one boundary at a time.

Forgiveness and Moving On

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Today, an old friend called—a friend who was there at the very beginning of my relationship with my ex-husband. She knew about the divorce but not the full extent of the abuse and pain I endured. For some reason, I felt compelled to share just a small part of what I went through.

It left me wondering: am I fully healed? Have I truly forgiven? Or is the very act of speaking about it part of my ongoing healing journey? I’ve come to realize that sharing isn’t about reopening old wounds—it’s about making sense of the past so I can keep moving forward. Each time I speak my truth, I take another step away from the darkness and closer to freedom and joy.

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened or minimizing the pain. It’s about reclaiming my peace. And healing doesn’t happen in silence—it happens in connection, honesty, and hope.

For every person who reads this, know that your presence here brings me happiness and hope. Maybe my words are changing a life. Maybe you see me in a new light. Maybe something here resonates with your own story. This isn’t about him—it’s about me, about rising from depression, and about remembering how far I’ve come.

To anyone still walking through the valley: your pain doesn’t define you. Your future is brighter than your past. Forgiveness and healing are not single moments—they are journeys, and every step forward is a victory. 🌷✨

Prosperity in Breaking Free

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For years, I lived under the shadow of fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of failure. Fear of what would happen if I finally walked away from the control of a narcissist.


But fear is a liar. And God never created us to live in chains. He made us in His image—an image of freedom, peace, and abundance.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” — 2 Timothy 1:7

When I finally broke free, prosperity didn’t show up in my bank account. It showed up in my heart. I prospered in freedom. I prospered in peace. I prospered in finally discovering who I was apart from someone else’s control.

Provision is God meeting your needs. Prosperity is when your life begins to overflow with His presence so you can bless others. For me, that prosperity has been courage, healing, and a new identity rooted in Him.

Hope carried me for a time, but hope alone wasn’t enough. Hope looks to the future. Faith acts in the present.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” — Hebrews 11:1

Faith is trusting God more than you fear the unknown. It’s resting in the storm, knowing the One who commands the waves is in control.

The day I chose freedom, a new kind of prosperity began to unfold—not measured in dollars, but in peace, joy, and rediscovering myself. That’s what faith does. It turns survival into abundant life.

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”— John 10:10

🌸 Prosperity isn’t always about money. Sometimes it’s about reclaiming your soul. 🌸

Retaliation and Manipulation: When a Narcissistic Ex Uses Your Child to Get to You

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Retaliation and Manipulation: When a Narcissistic Ex Uses Your Child to Get to You

This fall, my son headed back for his junior year of college. For the third year in a row, I was pressured into fully furnishing his apartment.

What made this year different is that just before all this unfolded, I had reached out to my ex about his ongoing violations of our judgment of divorce — specifically his failure to meet certain financial obligations. Instead of addressing those issues, he retaliated. In retribution, he attacked me financially, pressuring me to assist our son far beyond what I could afford.

One of the most painful aspects of my experience was how the manipulation didn’t stop with my ex’s direct messages to me. He took it a step further initially by using his girlfriend to pressure my daughter, having her reach out and tell my daughter that I needed to “step up” as a mother. This was no accident or casual comment. It was a calculated tactic to drag my children into the conflict and use them as tools to control me emotionally and financially. By turning my children into messengers and pawns, he weaponized them to enforce his demands and deepen the pressure. This classic abusive strategy creates layers of guilt and confusion, making it harder for a mother to set boundaries without feeling she’s failing her children. Understanding this manipulation is key to breaking free from the cycle and protecting both yourself and your kids.

This time, I set a limit. My son had just had last minute shoulder surgery and, with only two weeks’ notice, they told me I needed to fly halfway across the country to help. As a Mother, there’s no place I’d rather be. However, the trip would have cost me thousands of dollars — money I simply didn’t have, especially while supporting our daughter who had recently moved in with me. So I gave my son a choice: I could visit and give him a helping hand for 2 days, (work and travel previously planned with our daughter commitment) or I could put some of that money toward his college expenses. Yet, they twisted both narratives, making it look like I was choosing to support my daughter over our son and that I didn’t care about his wellbeing. It’s an ugly tug of war meant to pull on a Mother’s heart strings.

Somehow, my ex twisted that into a promise to spend much more on his apartment. I’d already kindly offered to help financially with a set amount, and even that was more than I had planned to spend. When I refused to go beyond my limit, the conversation with my ex got ugly crossing all boundaries. I immediately shut it down, telling him I would no longer discuss it with him and would work it out directly with our son.

That’s when my son called me in tears, caught in the middle. I caved. This situation perfectly shows how a narcissist manipulates everyone to get his way. In this case, he wanted me to financially furnish our son’s apartment–something I never committed to and couldn’t afford. But, through guilt and pressure, he not only manipulated me, but also our son, daughter, and even his girlfriend, using them all as pawns.

The Hard Truth About Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

When you divorce a narcissist, the standard advice is: let go, go no-contact, don’t engage. But when you share children, total detachment is often impossible. The connection remains, and the narcissist will use it. One of their most painful tactics is weaponizing your children — using them as messengers, guilt-triggers, or bargaining chips.

How to Protect Yourself (and Your Children)

1. Recognize the Tactic
This is triangulation — bringing a third person into the conflict to exert control. When that third person is your child (and in this case, his girlfriend as well), it’s especially cruel. See it for what it is: manipulation.

2. Keep Your Boundaries Firm
Boundaries are not punishments — they’re acts of self-preservation. Once you set a limit, stick to it. It’s tempting to give in to make the discomfort stop, but each time you do, you teach the narcissist that pushing harder works.

3. Remove Your Child from the Middle
Tell your child calmly: “I know Dad is asking you to talk to me about this, but that’s between him and me. You don’t have to be in the middle.” Protect them from becoming the conduit for adult conflict.

4. Respond, Don’t React
If your ex is baiting you, slow down. Wait before responding. Sometimes, not replying at all is the most powerful move. “No” is a complete sentence.

5. Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t stop the narcissist from trying. You can choose not to play the game. Detach from the outcome and focus on your peace and your child’s emotional safety.

Final Thought

When they weaponize your child, their goal is to pull you back into the chaos. You can’t always prevent the attempts — but you can control your reaction. Hold your boundaries, speak with clarity, and keep your child out of the crossfire. Your sanity — and theirs — is worth protecting.

Every time I stand my ground, even if I stumble, I’m building strength. One step at a time. Believe in yourself.

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse: Why It Resembles the AA 12-Step Program More Than You Think

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When people hear the word recovery, they often think addiction — alcohol, drugs, gambling. Rarely do we connect it to relationships. Yet, anyone who has loved, lived with, or left a narcissist knows: reclaiming yourself after abuse requires a level of healing every bit as structured, layered, and courageous as the 12-step journey of Alcoholics Anonymous.

1. Acceptance of Reality

AA Step 1 begins with admitting the problem is real. Healing from narcissistic abuse begins the moment you finally accept this wasn’t love — it was manipulation. You surrender the fantasy, stop minimizing, and acknowledge the emotional harm that was done. Like I often say: what you’re not changing, you’re choosing. Acceptance becomes your moment of truth — and your doorway out.

2. You Can’t Do This Alone

AA members rely on sponsors and fellowship. Survivors of narcissistic abuse must also find support — therapists, best friends, faith, fellow survivors. Isolation keeps you stuck in the fog. Community brings clarity, strength… and hope.

3. Rebuilding a Sense of Self

Where AA seeks spiritual awakening, survivors seek self-awakening. After narcissistic abuse, you must rebuild who you are from the inside out. You rediscover your voice, passions, and worth. You begin to believe — in yourself again, and in God’s ability to restore what was broken.

4. Taking Inventory of the Damage

Step 4 in AA requires fearless self-inventory. Survivors similarly ask: Where did I abandon myself? What boundaries did I allow to be crossed… and why? This isn’t self-blame; it’s sacred awareness that leads to better boundaries — and better choices.

5. Making Amends — To Yourself

In AA, amends are made to those you’ve harmed. Survivors make amends to the person they harmed most: themselves. You forgive yourself for staying, for trying, for believing lies. You choose self-compassion over self-criticism.

6. Daily Maintenance (Because Triggers Are Real)

Healing isn’t linear — you may still crave them, miss them, dream of the good times. That’s the trauma bond, not love. Just like AA members need daily check-ins to stay sober, survivors need daily practices — prayer, gratitude, affirmations, exercise, therapy — to stay emotionally free.

7. Helping Others

AA teaches that helping others is the final step in healing. Survivors often feel a deep calling to help other women — to share their story, speak truth, shine light into the darkness. When your pain becomes your purpose, you know you’re free.

Believe — And Remember Why You Were Chosen for This Journey

Believe in yourself. Believe in God. Believe that you were brought into a narcissistic relationship not to destroy you, but to teach you, grow you, and awaken you. This was part of your soul curriculum — your time in the wilderness. And now? You’re walking back home to yourself.

Recovery isn’t a one-time decision — it’s a thousand brave choices, made one day at a time. But I promise you: if you keep choosing yourself, keep choosing truth, keep choosing God… freedom finds you.

Dead In America Podcast: Breaking Free From Narcissistic Abuse, Kimber Foster’s Journey to Healing

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In this compelling episode of the Dead America Podcast, host Ed Watters sits down with Kimber Foster, author of Year of Thorns and The Divorce Checklist, to explore the realities of surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse. Kimber opens up about her harrowing 30-year journey within a toxic relationship and the transformational process of breaking free from emotional manipulation and psychological control.


Listeners will gain powerful insights into how narcissistic behavior affects mental well-being and how subtle tactics—like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and invalidation—keep victims trapped. Kimber offers practical steps for reclaiming personal power, including building self-belief, facing emotional challenges head-on, and rewriting the story of suffering into one of strength.


She also introduces her free guide designed to support individuals navigating the complex process of divorcing a narcissist, highlighting key checkpoints for legal, emotional, and spiritual preparedness. Kimber’s mission is to empower survivors to rise above pain and move toward healing with confidence and clarity.


Whether you’re in recovery, supporting a loved one, or seeking deeper understanding of emotional abuse, this episode is both educational and deeply affirming.


00:00 Cutting the Chains of Control
00:54 Meet Kimber Foster: Author and Survivor
02:11 Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior
05:24 The Journey of Self-Discovery
10:58 Breaking Free and Finding Support
20:37 Practical Advice for Divorce
27:15 Final Thoughts and Resources
https://thehub.mastermind.com/v2/prev…
Divorce Checklist “The Ultimate Survival Kit to Freedom from a Narcissist” Free Copy for listeners
https://a.co/d/dzBrda9
Year ofThorns, What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist Amazon Link
https://a.co/d/fsYI5yy
Divorce Checklist “The Ultimate Survival Kit to Freedom from a Narcissist” Amazon Link
@yearofthorns Instagram
/ yearofthorns

Click Here for Podcast Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4_LWuJ_gG0

Podcast: Spotting a Narcissist w/Kimber Foster: Digital Dating with Anonymous Andrew J. Polizzo,

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S04 E13

Jun 25, 2025

49:50

In this episode, Kimber Foster shares her personal journey of divorcing a narcissist and the challenges she faced during and after the process. She discusses the signs of narcissism, the importance of self-love, and offers practical advice for those in toxic relationships. Kimber also shares her experiences with dating after divorce, the difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist, and the significance of having a support system. Her insights aim to empower others who may be navigating similar situations.

I’m curious, how can YOU tell if someone is a Narcissist on a first date(s)?

https://rss.com/podcasts/anonymousandrew/2085238/

Podcast: Life-Changing Challengers, “Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – Kimber Foster’s Path to Empowerment.”

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Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – Kimber Foster’s Path to Empowerment

Podcast link: https://www.lifechangingchallengers.com/surviving-narcissistic-abuse-kimber-fosters-path-to-empowerment/

Kimber Foster shares her journey of surviving narcissistic abuse, finding healing, and empowering others with her book, The Year of Thorns.

Season 5

In this compelling episode of Life-Changing Challengers , host Brad Minus sits down with Kimber Foster, author of The Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist. Kimber opens up about her journey from an overachieving, people-pleasing child in Grand Rapids, Michigan, to enduring a toxic marriage characterized by narcissistic abuse, manipulation, and control.

After 27 years in a marriage with a narcissistic spouse, Kimber found herself emotionally broken, isolated, and fighting to regain her sense of self. Through her writing, coaching, and advocacy, she now empowers others to recognize red flags, break free from abusive relationships, and reclaim their lives. This episode is a raw, honest look at the insidious nature of narcissistic abuse and the strength it takes to rise above it.

Episode Highlights 

  • [2:00] – Kimber’s childhood as the youngest of three, growing up as an “oops” child in Michigan
  • [15:00] – Early red flags in her marriage and the gradual erosion of her self-worth
  • [30:00] – The isolation caused by constant moves and her husband’s control over their life and finances
  • [45:00] – Surviving emotional, verbal, and physical abuse and the realization she was married to a narcissist
  • [1:05:00] – The breaking point: a panic attack that forced her to face the reality of her situation
  • [1:20:00] – Writing The Year of Thorns and why sharing her story was a turning point in her healing
  • [1:35:00] – Kimber’s divorce checklist: A comprehensive guide for those preparing to leave a toxic relationship

Key Takeaways 

  1. Love Bombing Is a Red Flag – Narcissists often come on too strong too fast to create a false sense of connection.
  2. Narcissists Never Take Accountability – If someone constantly blames others and never admits fault, pay attention.
  3. Gaslighting Is Psychological Abuse – Making you doubt your reality is a classic tactic used to maintain control.
  4. Reclaiming Your Identity Takes Time – After years of manipulation, rediscovering your self-worth is a process.
  5. Resources Exist—You’re Not Alone – Kimber’s Divorce Checklist offers practical guidance for those ready to leave.

Links & Resources 

  • 📘 Book : The Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist – Buy on Amazon 
  • 🌐 Website : YearOfThorns.com – Access free resources including her Divorce Checklist , blogs, and coaching info
  • 📱 Connect with Kimber on Social Media :

If this episode resonated with you or someone you know, please share, subscribe, and leave a review . Kimber’s story is a testament that healing is possible.

Have an idea or feedback? Click here to share. 

Contact Brad @ Life Changing Challengers 
Instagram: @bradaminus 
Facebook: @bradaminus 
X(Twitter): @bradaminus 
YouTube: @lifechangingchallengers 
LifeChangingChallengers.com

When the Super Empath Wakes Up: The Quiet Dismantling of a Narcissist

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There comes a moment in the life of a super empath when they stop seeing the narcissist through the lens of illusion—and begin seeing them clearly. It’s not an angry revelation. It’s a sacred shift. A calm, devastating truth.

Before this awakening, the empath suffers deeply. The betrayal is profound, the emotional whiplash exhausting. But something powerful happens in that pain: they transmute it into wisdom. They stop reacting. Stop feeding the narcissist’s false reality. And that silence—the withdrawal of attention and emotion—starts a quiet unraveling.

The narcissist thrives on admiration, obedience, and emotional reactions. Strip that away, and their grandiosity starts to crumble. Not in front of crowds, but quietly, in the absence of the empath’s engagement. Where once the empath was confused, now there is clarity. Where once they were entangled, now there is detachment.

This isn’t hatred. That would still imply a connection. What truly dismantles the narcissist is indifference. Emotional neutrality. The refusal to play the game.

The narcissist escalates. Provokes. Spins new narratives. But the empath no longer responds. They’ve figured out the rules—and walked away from the board. They don’t explain, justify, or chase closure. They don’t wait for a confession or apology that will never come. They simply leave—emotionally, energetically, spiritually.

And that departure? It terrifies the narcissist. Because it forces them to confront what they cannot bear: their own reflection, their own emptiness. Without someone to provoke or control, their identity collapses.

True empathy doesn’t coddle dysfunction. It calls it by name. The empath now sees manipulation for what it was. The fog lifts, and what was once a tangled mess becomes crystal clear: this was never love—it was control.

The narcissist spirals—provoking, blaming, rewriting history. But the empath is done. They’ve stepped off the crazy wheel.

This isn’t just survival. It’s sovereignty. The empath reclaims their truth, their peace, and their power—not to destroy, but to lead. They’ve risen—not bitter, but whole.

Wondering If You’re Dating a Narcissist? Watch Out for These Words and Phrases

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When you’re navigating a new relationship, things can feel exciting, intoxicating—even too good to be true. But if you’ve ever found yourself questioning your worth, your memory, or your reality… you’re not alone. Many of us have been charmed, manipulated, or emotionally disarmed by someone who, beneath the surface, was more interested in control than connection.

This isn’t about blame. This is about empowerment. The more we understand the tactics and language used by narcissists, the better we can protect ourselves—and others—from emotional harm.

So, if you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Is it just me, or is something off?” — here are the red flags and words to watch out for.

💣 1. Love Bombing: “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

In the early stages, a narcissist may seem like the partner of your dreams. They’ll say things like:

  • “I’ve never felt this way before.”
  • “You’re my soulmate.”
  • “We’re perfect together.”
  • “I knew the moment I met you.”

It feels romantic—but it’s often strategic. They want you emotionally invested fast, before their true behavior surfaces.

You might hear:

“Tell me everything about you—I want to know your fears, your dreams, your past.”

And at first, it feels safe. But soon, they’ll use those vulnerabilities against you. When the mask slips, the charm turns into criticism, jealousy, and control.

🧠 2. Gaslighting: “You’re imagining things.”

Gaslighting is emotional manipulation that makes you doubt your own reality. You might start to wonder if you’re too sensitive, too emotional, or just plain wrong. Classic gaslighting phrases include:

  • “You’re crazy.”
  • “You’re remembering it wrong.”
  • “I never said that.”
  • “You’re making something out of nothing.”
  • “I didn’t know your memory was so bad.”

They’ll twist the truth so often that you start questioning yourself. You may begin apologizing for things that weren’t your fault—just to keep the peace.

🪞3. Blame-Shifting: “It’s not my fault.”

A narcissist rarely takes responsibility for their actions. If they talk about their past relationships, listen closely. Do they say things like:

  • “All my exes were toxic.”
  • “She was crazy.”
  • “No one’s ever treated me right.”

Eventually, they’ll start talking about you that way, too.

Even during arguments, they may say:

  • “You’re the reason I act like this.”
  • “You made me angry.”
  • “If you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have to react this way.”

That’s not accountability. That’s manipulation.

🚫 4. Dismissiveness & Contempt: “You’re too sensitive.”

When you express hurt, disappointment, or a need for connection, watch for contempt disguised as honesty:

  • “You’re being dramatic.”
  • “You’re too emotional.”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “It was just a joke—don’t be so sensitive.”

They may roll their eyes, mock your tone, or talk down to you. Over time, you may start to feel small, foolish, or even ashamed for expressing basic emotional needs.

But here’s the truth: your feelings are valid. Full stop.

😡 5. Rage & Punishment: “This is why no one puts up with you.”

When narcissists feel challenged, they often respond with anger or cruelty. You might hear:

  • “You’re a bitch.”
  • “You’re lucky I even put up with you.”
  • “Everyone else thinks you’re difficult too.”
  • “You always ruin everything.”

They lash out to regain power, especially when you’ve set a boundary or stood up for yourself. Over time, they may train you to stay silent just to avoid their wrath.

💬 6. Control Disguised as Concern: “I’m just trying to protect you.”

They might discourage you from seeing certain friends or family members, saying things like:

  • “They don’t really care about you.”
  • “They’re jealous of what we have.”
  • “I just think you’re better off without them.”

At first, it may sound like care—but it’s often the beginning of isolation. The more separated you are from people who support and empower you, the more dependent you become on them.

You might also hear:

  • “All we need is each other.”
  • “You’re my soulmate.”
  • “No one understands us like we do.”

These phrases can sound romantic—until you realize they’re being used to shut out the rest of the world and create a closed system of control. When one person becomes the gatekeeper of your time, energy, and identity, that’s not intimacy—it’s emotional captivity.

🧨 7. Backhanded Apologies: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

True apologies take ownership. Narcissists avoid that at all costs. Instead, you may hear:

  • “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way.”
  • “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.”
  • “I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”
  • “I guess I can’t say anything around you anymore.”

These are not apologies—they’re weapons disguised as peace offerings.

🎯 8. Poking the Bear: “Wow. Look how toxic you are.”

When you finally react—after being pushed, baited, or verbally attacked—they’ll say:

  • “You’re the abusive one.”
  • “You’ve got serious issues.”
  • “You need help.”
  • “I can’t believe you’re acting like this.”

They provoke your emotional response, then flip the script to play the victim. This cycle keeps you in defense mode while they stay in control.

🧍‍♀️ The Real Problem Isn’t You

It’s easy to internalize all of this—to think:

“Maybe I am too sensitive.”
“Maybe if I just try harder, things will go back to how they were.”

But the truth is: you are not too much. You are not too emotional. You are not the problem.

What you are… is worthy of:

  • Respect
  • Safety
  • Emotional honesty
  • Kindness
  • Mutual care

And that’s the bare minimum in a healthy relationship.

🛑 You Can’t Heal in a Place That Keeps Hurting You

When you set boundaries, narcissists may call you:

  • “Too difficult”
  • “A drama queen”
  • “A bitch”

But healthy people won’t punish you for having limits—they’ll respect you more for it.

You don’t need to argue your worth to anyone. You don’t need to prove that your feelings are real. You just need to recognize when someone is trying to control, manipulate, or emotionally exhaust you.

And then, you need to choose you.

If any of these phrases felt familiar, take it as a sign. Not of failure—but of awakening. You are not broken. You are becoming aware.

And that’s where your healing begins.

Pleasure Principles Podcast: Life After Narcissism: Breaking Free and Rebuilding – Kimber Foster

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Kimber Foster’s voice trembles slightly as she recounts the moment she knew she had to escape her narcissistic marriage. “He told me he would destroy me, leave me with nothing, turn the kids against me…” It wasn’t just emotional survival at stake—her very sense of self had been systematically dismantled over years of psychological manipulation.

This powerful conversation dives deep into the mechanics of narcissistic abuse, examining the 17 distinct manipulation tactics Wendy identified through her own traumatic experience. From the initial “honeymoon phase” where narcissists morph into your perfect partner, to the gradual erosion of boundaries, self-worth, and reality itself, Kimber Foster walks us through the playbook used by these master manipulators. Her insights on gaslighting, projection, and isolation reveal how victims find themselves trapped on what she calls “the crazy wheel”—a disorienting cycle where you’re constantly questioning your own perceptions and worth.

The most valuable aspects of our discussion focus on the practical steps for breaking free, especially when children are involved. Kimber shares the divorce checklist she created (available as a free download through our show notes), which covers everything from financial preparation to establishing safe communication channels. Perhaps most importantly, she offers hope to those still trapped, emphasizing that healing isn’t just about escaping—it’s about rediscovering joy, pleasure, and a renewed sense of self after years of survival mode. “Don’t let fear hold you back,” she urges. “Believe and trust in yourself and move forward.” For anyone who has felt the suffocating control of a toxic relationship, this conversation serves as both validation and roadmap toward freedom.

Listen by clicking here:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2408840/episodes/16839311

Must Listen Episode: Murder, Blood & Psychopaths

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It was a pleasure to be a guest on Murder, Blood and Psychopaths Podcast – Episode 97. See link below to listen.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A Must-Listen Episode with Kimber Foster! Kimber Foster was an absolutely phenomenal guest on MBPodcast! Her firsthand account of marrying, divorcing, and still dealing with a narcissist was raw, eye-opening, and deeply impactful. She brought a rare mix of vulnerability and strength, offering not only her personal journey but also valuable insights and survival strategies for anyone navigating a toxic relationship. Her ability to articulate the emotional and psychological toll of narcissistic abuse while providing practical guidance made for an unforgettable episode. Kimber didn’t just share her story—she empowered listeners with the tools to recognize red flags, break free, and rebuild. If you or someone you know has ever dealt with a narcissist, this episode is a must-listen. We highly recommend her book A Year of Thorns and the invaluable resources she offers. Thank you, Kimber, for your courage and wisdom! 🔥👏 #Survival #Empowerment #NarcissisticAbuse #MBPodcasts

https://sites.libsyn.com/413645/site/episode-97-surviving-a-narcissists-grip-kimber-fosters-story

MBP (Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths): Episode 97: Surviving a Narcissist’s Grip: Kimber Foster’s Story

MBP (Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths): Episode 97: Surviving a Narcissist’s Grip: Kimber Foster’s StoryPodcast Title: Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths – Episode 97: Surviving a Narcissist’s Grip: Kimber Foster’s Story this gripping episode of Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths, we welcome Kimber Foster, author of A Year of Thorns: What to Expect

From Fear to Freedom: Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships with Kimber Foster

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In this compelling episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, host Avik Chakraborty sits down with Kimber Foster, author of A Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist. Kimber shares her inspiring journey of surviving and escaping a toxic 27-year marriage, offering raw and unfiltered insights into reclaiming identity, joy, and freedom. Together, they explore the emotional and psychological challenges of leaving a toxic relationship, the impact on mental health, and the courageous steps required to move forward. Whether you’re navigating a toxic relationship, recovering from its aftermath, or simply seeking stories of resilience, this episode provides valuable lessons and hope for building a healthier, more fulfilling future.

About the Guest Kimber is an author, advocate, and survivor whose story embodies resilience and healing. After enduring a 27-year toxic marriage and reclaiming her life, Kimber authored A Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist, a powerful guide for those escaping the grip of toxic relationships. With a mission to inspire and empower others, Kimber openly shares her journey to freedom, focusing on overcoming fear, rebuilding self-worth, and fostering personal growth.

Key Takeaways Recognizing Toxicity: Kimber likens her experience to the “boiling frog” analogy, highlighting how gradual exposure to toxicity can desensitize and trap individuals in unhealthy relationships. Why Leaving Feels Harder Than Staying: Fear of the unknown, fear of change, and fear of being alone are significant barriers to leaving a toxic relationship. Kimber emphasizes that staying is a choice to remain in the cycle of pain and suffering. Impact on Health: Living in a constant state of fear and stress takes a toll on physical and emotional health, creating a “fight or flight” cycle that stifles growth and well-being. The Courage to Break Free: Kimber advocates for pushing beyond the comfort zone, embracing courage, and stepping into the unknown to unlock personal freedom and potential. The Role of Resilience: Struggles and challenges can become a source of strength and growth. Kimber reminds listeners that adversity shapes and prepares us for a more empowered future. Empowering Others: Kimber’s journey serves as a beacon of hope for those trapped in toxic relationships, showing that healing, joy, and a new beginning are possible with courage and determination. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking inspiration and tools to reclaim their life and find freedom.

https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-gzsmf-108a023

https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-vyxyt-1763851

3 Key Tips to Break Free from a Toxic Relationship

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  1. Overcome Fear
  • What you’re not changing, you’re choosing. Every day you stay in a toxic relationship, you’re choosing to remain in a cycle of pain and suffering. You have the power to change that.
  • Fear is what keeps you stuck. The fear of the unknown, the fear of change, and even the fear of being alone can feel overwhelming, but they will keep you trapped in a situation that isn’t serving you. You cannot grow in an environment of constant fear.
  • You can’t become who you’re meant to be while living in fear. Breaking free requires courage, but it’s a step toward reclaiming your true self. You cannot evolve or heal if you are constantly in a state of survival.
  • Push beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. It might feel impossible, but the discomfort you feel now will be worth it when you’re living your life on your own terms. Change begins when you’re willing to face that fear head-on.
  • Be honest with yourself. The first step in breaking free is acknowledging the truth of your situation. Stop minimizing the toxic behaviors, and be real about what you’re enduring. The path to healing starts with self-honesty.

2. Be Prepared

  • Protect your finances and belongings. Secure important documents, set aside emergency funds, and take anything that matters to you. Preparation can make your escape easier when the time comes.
  • Know your legal rights. Consult a lawyer and get informed about your rights, especially if there are children, shared assets, or legal matters involved. This will give you the confidence to take action when you’re ready.
  • Have a safe place in mind. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or a shelter, know where you can go if things escalate. Having a backup plan ensures that you’re not caught off guard when you need to leave quickly.

3. Believe in Yourself

  • Trust your feelings. Toxic relationships often make you question your own reality, but your feelings are valid. You deserve clarity, peace, and a relationship that lifts you up, not tears you down.
  • You deserve kindness and happiness. You are worthy of love that respects and values you. Don’t settle for less. Break free and create the space for joy, healing, and positivity to enter your life.
  • You are strong. You’ve already shown incredible courage by considering breaking free. Trust your strength and keep going—each step you take brings you closer to a brighter, healthier future full of rainbows.

You are a survivor and a thriver—this experience has taught you invaluable lessons that will make you stronger, wiser, and more resilient. You have everything you need within you to break free, heal, and step into the life you truly deserve. The best is yet to come, and it’s yours for the taking.

What’s keeping you from taking that first step?

10 Early Signs of a Narcissistic Relationship

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Early warning signs (Red Flags) in a relationship with a narcissist can include:

  1. Excessive Charm and Flattery: At the beginning, a narcissist may shower you with compliments and attention to win your trust and admiration quickly.
  2. Lack of Empathy: They are unable to genuinely empathize with others, which can become evident when they seem indifferent to your emotions or the emotions of others.
  3. Need for Control: They often want to control the relationship and your actions, making decisions for you or overriding your opinions and preferences.
  4. Boundary Violations: Disregarding your personal boundaries or trying to test them early on is a common trait.
  5. Grandiosity: They may often talk about their achievements or fantasies of unlimited success and power, expecting admiration for their perceived superiority.
  6. Manipulation: Narcissists might manipulate situations to their advantage, making you feel as if your feelings or desires are unimportant.
  7. Sense of Entitlement: They believe they deserve special treatment or privileges and may become angry if they do not get what they want.
  8. Gaslighting: This involves making you doubt your perceptions or reality, often making you feel confused or questioning your own sanity.
  9. Constant Seeking of Validation: They often seek constant validation and approval from others to bolster their self-esteem.
  10. Quick to Anger: Any perceived slight or criticism can lead to anger, and they may react harshly to maintain their self-image.

If I Could Speak to Myself from 10 Years Ago…

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Dear Younger Me,

I know you’re in a place right now where confusion and doubt are part of your daily life. You’re questioning yourself because the one person who is supposed to love you makes you feel like you’re crazy. But hear me when I say this, “You are not crazy. Your feelings deserve recognition, and your reality is valid.”

Breaking free from a toxic relationship, especially with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, is daunting, but it’s essential. You’re not losing your mind; you’re losing yourself in this destructive cycle. The manipulation, the gaslighting, the constant need to cater to someone who loves only what you can do for them, not you as a person—it’s taking its toll.

You need to know this earlier: he will never change. His love is conditional and transactional, bound by what he can gain, not by genuine affection or respect. Staying in this relationship, thinking it might be better for the children, is misleading. Children soak up their environments more than we realize. They are learning what a dysfunctional relationship looks like, potentially setting them up for similar patterns in their own lives.

It’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Setting boundaries will not make you a villain but rather a protector of your peace. Recognize that you deserve respect from your husband, as do all people who share their lives so intimately. It’s not selfish to want a life where you are seen and valued for who you are, not just what you provide or endure.

Reflecting on this, consider this your action plan:

  1. Acknowledge: Accept that your situation is not your fault. Acknowledging the reality without blame helps you reclaim your power.
  2. Set Boundaries: Practice saying no. No to behaviors that are hurtful, no to blame that isn’t yours, and yes to your autonomy.
  3. Prioritize Self-Care: Your well-being is crucial. Seek therapy, join support groups, do whatever it takes to build a safety net of care around yourself.
  4. Make the Tough Decisions: Know that leaving may be hard, but sometimes the hardest decisions are the ones that set us free.

I believe in your strength to break the cycle. You are resilient, and your life beyond this relationship is filled with peace and respect. Don’t allow fear to be your captor; let it fuel your strength and courage to change course.

With all the love and understanding that comes from hindsight,

Your Future Self

Get your FREE Divorce Checklist today!

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Navigating a divorce can feel like traversing a minefield.

“Divorce Checklist” offers a comprehensive guide that prepares you to face this challenging journey with confidence. This indispensable resource delves into every aspect of divorce, from managing assets and handling custody disputes to understanding legal jargon and anticipating hidden costs. The thorough approach ensures no stone is left unturned, providing detailed checklists for property division, financial accounts, child support, and even post-divorce considerations like updating your will and managing retirement funds.

Equipped with real-life advice and practical tips, this short book is designed to empower you to advocate for yourself and secure your future, helping you to manage both the emotional and logistical complexities of divorce.

Click HERE to get yours today! https://thehub.mastermind.com/v2/preview/9lIUcSb56dGrXdbUOdHM?notrack=true

Year of Thorns: Dealing with Narcissistic Manipulation – Book Review

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I am truly thankful for the one-star review of my book listed below, “Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist.” This review succinctly captures all 17 manipulative tactics of a narcissist in one paragraph. Their attempt to (Smear), sway others (Third-Party Reinforcements) and (Project) what are clearly their own insecurities needing the get the last word in.  Starting with the Name:  “Discerning Eye” (Stalking).  “Tragic Clown” (Verbal Abuse). Claims that I was the one “rejected” (Fear of Abandonment & Altered Reality). “Mention of children” (Guilt and Parental Alienation). “Dog could write better” (Devaluing). Next books in the series – “personally responsible & evolve” (The Mirror Effect) and finally my personal favorite – “bitter  & alone” (Judgement & Shame). Thank you Discerning Eye. It only validates my story and gives meaning to what I endured so that I may help others moving forward. #happyandlivingmybestlife

The Discerning Eye

1.0 out of 5 stars Dumb. Don’t bother. Reviewed in the United States on May 29, 2024, Amazon

“Visualize a tragic clown vomiting on paper. This book wreaks of pent up revenge fantasies fueled by rejection. If every person that ends up divorced did this, we would be killing trees for zero purpose. Tragic mostly for the kids that have to be subjected to their parent ranting like this about the other parent. For every book like this there should be a counter book from the other party. My dog can be an author if this is the standard. My vote for the next book in the series would be “How to Become Personally Responsible and Evolve” or “Top 10 Ways to Not End Up Bitter & Alone”.

Year of Thorns: Unveiling a Universal Story of Struggle and Healing

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I’m bursting with excitement to share some truly thrilling news with you. After years of unwavering dedication, soul-searching, and sheer determination, the book I’ve poured my heart and soul into is finally ready to grace the shelves. This isn’t just any ordinary project for me; it’s a profoundly personal narrative that delves deep into the intricate journey of my family.

Let me assure you right from the start that my intention in writing this book was never to cast shadows or pry into private family matters. Quite the opposite, actually. My sole aim has always been to share my experiences with the hope of offering solace and guidance to others navigating similar challenges.

In order to safeguard everyone’s privacy and uphold our family’s boundaries, I’ve chosen to adopt a pen name and alter the identities of the characters within the book. My utmost wish is for this tale to be a wellspring of hope and understanding, without causing any discomfort to my cherished ones.

This decision wasn’t taken lightly. It was born from deep reflection and a genuine desire to liberate myself from past pain and dysfunction. I firmly believe that by openly addressing our struggles, we can pave the way for healing and growth, not only for ourselves but for generations to come.

It took me six years to complete this book. I’m no professional writer, but I felt an undeniable compulsion to share my story. It consumed me, spending eight or more hours a day writing, reading, and researching, trying to unravel how I found myself in that place in my life. Through my research, I came to realize that my story wasn’t unique; it was universal. How did I not see it all those years, despite considering myself pretty smart, even with a degree in psychology! Words cannot fully express the intense need and obsession I felt to share what I had learned along the way. However, this obsession took its toll, and I had to take a break from the manuscript for a few years while I focused on myself, relocating and rediscovering joy.

The thought of perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction within our family, particularly knowing its impact on my own children, was simply unbearable. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can contribute to a future where love, understanding, and compassion prevail.

I also created a “Divorce Checklist” available on Amazon/Kindle which offers a comprehensive guide of what to include in your Judgement of Divorce leaving no stone unturned. This guide will empower you to advocate for yourself and secure your future, helping to manage both the emotional, logistical and financial complexities of divorce.

As my book and checklist are released, I hope you’ll grasp the truth I aim to convey and understand the necessity I felt in sharing it. Just as my pastor/prophet suggested, I believe my purpose is to share my story to assist others on their journey. To all who supported me during my “Year of Thorns,” I extend heartfelt gratitude for your love and encouragement that gave me the strength to persevere.

Stay tuned for the Kindle/Amazon release – link coming soon! Year of Thorns By Kimber Foster

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #16 – Devaluing

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Devalue: To reduce or underestimate the worth or importance of.

In my research I found that there’s a common pattern the Narcissist abuse follows. It’s a dizzying whirlwind or “crazy wheel” that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round of emotional vertigo for those caught in such relationships.

In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist or a person affected by a personality disorder, one may describe the initial infatuation stage as the “honeymoon stage.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or more. Targets of narcissistic abuse report feeling as if they have found their soulmate and can’t believe their good fortune that this seductive lover has elevated them to soaring heights upon a pedestal. Idealization or “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother the target with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and essentially, idealization as the most special person ever.

Just when they’ve realed you in, the devaluing starts. Even if you’re perfect, they will find something to nitpick about you because doing so devalues you and lowers your self-esteem. Eventually, there’s a threshold of self-esteem where you begin viewing your abuser as your savior and the best thing to ever happen to you, and this is their constant aim – to keep you below that threshold (check out Stockholm Syndrome).

The ultimate goal for the narcissistic psychopath is power and control over you. They do this because they are secretly afraid you will leave/abandon them – a narcissist greatest fear. When your self-esteem is low enough, you will then eventually fear to lose your abuser even if they were the one who put you down there. Your self-esteem takes such a beating, you feel you won’t be able to do any better; you don’t feel attractive so you might as well stay.

During my marriage it came to a point where I was terrified to leave and start my life over, having such low self-esteem and an even lower self-image. If my husband wasn’t demeaning my intelligence, it was about my physical appearance and weight always making me feel inadequate. Nothing was good enough. Nothing I did was acceptable. I could go on here for pages…..

Once I found the courage to leave, faced with the reality that my life depended on it, I was then catapulted into the discard phase. To say our year of divorce was acrimonious is an understatement. Even now, to this day three years later he continues to make my life a living hell, while using our children as weapons.

(Sorry to digress here….)

I’m convinced, not only in my own personal experiences but also with other women from my divorced wives group and various narcissist support groups online, that it’s nearly impossible to co-parent with a narcissistic psychopath. Hating to be a Debbie Downer, but I’ve heard so many stories with so many women having had the same experiences. A narcissistic psychopath will NEVER take accountability for their actions. A narcissist only thinks of themselves and will use the children as a means of control and contact. It’s a game, one that a narcissist must WIN, no matter the costs. Ok, so I’m done ranting here…… So how does one move on and survive?

Survival

Survivors can heal and move forward with the help of psychotherapy and by sharing their story with others through various support groups online. By narrating one’s story and resolving the trauma of the emotional abuse, sharing the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of that emotional abuse.

I found this to be true in my case. By sharing my story and learning about the narcissistic emotional manipulative tactics was a huge awakening – like a veil being lifted. It wasn’t me. I did everything I could to save our marriage. In fact, I survived 30 years with a narcissist! More importantly, through my research and in speaking my truth with others who had been down the same path I eventually learned to forgive myself and move forward. Give me a medal and pat me on the back!

My advice to those reading my blog who have found themselves in similar shoes…… Hold on to that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit who will guide you. As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” It’s time to break those chains that bound you to those negative and devaluing tactics. Slowly, over time, armed with knowledge of the various emotional manipulative tactics, survivors can understand the relationship cycle they endured and move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the crazy wheel of emotional abuse and be just fine.

Believe in yourself!

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #15 – Trivializing

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Emotional Manipulation #15 – Trivializing

The abuser trivializes any problem or issue you have into something small and essentially tells you that your problem isn’t a problem. Instead of rightfully and gracefully acknowledging your point and hurt feelings, they will tell you that you’re wrong, and your opinion is wrong and more important, they aren’t at fault for anything. They don’t have to own up to anything they’ve done wrong if they can convince you that you are the wrong one, or you are making a big deal out of nothing. This is manipulation at its finest and leads you to feel dramatic and unworthy of your abuser. Perfect for them – they win on all fronts.

I recall one night while sitting around the dinner table, our daughter asked me to be a judge for her upcoming Distributive Education Club of America (DECA) competition, as I used to be the President of our club in High School.

“I’d love to,” I said. I was so excited that the school and my daughter had invited me to be a part of the competition.

Scott laughed. “You don’t know anything about working having not been an integral part of the workforce in years.” He continued, “You’re not qualified to be a judge for a dog contest, yet alone a high school competition!”

After the children left the kitchen, I told Scott that his comments hurt me profoundly and embarrassed me in front of our children.

Scott just continued to laugh, saying “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

You see, my opinions didn’t matter. Neither did my feelings.

Scott would relish in telling our friends embarrassing stories about me that he thought were hysterical. When I would express my feelings were hurt or that I was extremely embarrassed, Scott would trivialize it stating, “Come on, it was funny. You’re being too sensitive.”

The same applied when I would question Scott’s flirting and promiscuous behaviors. On more than one occasion I noticed what was obviously finger nail like scratches on his back.   According to him I was just acting jealous, delusional, and/or making a big deal out of nothing.  How dare I even question his fidelity! They were just scratches from the weight bench. ( Yeah right!) 

Unfortunately, most of the time when a narcissist trivializes your feelings they are acting in a hypocritical way. A narcissist, simply put, is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Most importantly, narcissists are slow to believe they are “wrong” (if they ever do at all), don’t listen well to others’ opinions, and believe their way is the right one—the only way. If you put narcissism and hypocrisy together, you get a marriage made for one another.

So what can you do when a narcissist trivializes your feelings?

  1. Determine what’s most important to you. Not what your parents told you, not what your boss says is true, not what your friends care about, but rather, what matters to you and OWN IT.
  2. Examine where you are in alignment with what you care about and where you need to make modifications. Don’t judge yourself, don’t berate yourself, just notice the misalignment and figure out what to do to bring your thoughts and actions more closely together.  Don’t argue, don’t engage as much as possible the narcissist.
  3. Refrain from telling others what to say, do and believe. The biggest hypocrites/narcissist tend to be the ones who believe they know what’s right for everyone but themselves.  The next time you catch yourself about to tell the narcissist what is right or wrong for them, just stop. They won’t listen. They will just project back onto you.
  4. Spend quiet time. Meditation is not for everyone, but in a world with a constant barrage of information, opportunities for reading nasty posts or posting them yourself, are not a good idea. Finding personal space can be very healing. Take a walk—without the cell phone or earbuds. Stand outdoors and listen to the air. Go into a quiet place in your home and simply sit. Find ways to give yourself space to just be.
  5. Focus on you. It’s very freeing to stop trying to fix or change others and to focus on what you are doing. If you put your energy into watching your own actions and reactions, and carefully choosing the words you use, you will cease having interest in what others are doing. The hypocrites will run merrily on their way, but you won’t be hooked by them. Jump off that crazy wheel!

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #12 – Fear

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Fear can be paralyzing, especially when we are stepping into the unknown. It’s one thing to think about making changes in your life (divorce). Or even deciding to make changes (to leave). But the real kicker comes when it’s time actually to make those changes happen (to move out). And that, my friend, is where all of us run smack into fear. It can be totally paralyzng. The Narcissist FEED on that fear, making you believe that you can’t make it on your own, that you’re not worthy. Then there’s the fear of what if’s. Can I make a living? How long will the divorce process take? Is it best for the children? Can I afford the fight? You can bet your last dollar that the narcissist will threaten to take away the children, threaten to leave you with nothing and tell you that no one will ever love you again.  

He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed him to keep his control over me. He projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through his ruses. I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions. I allowed his behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for a good reason. When I did stand up to him, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically. I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries.

I was also afraid of being alone, pure and simple.  Alienation was a significant factor why I stayed as long as I did. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently is was easy for him to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves. We relied solely on his income. My career was long gone. I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe. How would I support myself and my children?

His controlling and abusive behavior didn’t end when I finally found the courage to leave.  In fact, it got worse.  Much worse. I had no money of my own, and for the sake of the children, I was forced to stay in the marital home during the divorce process when he refused to leave.  I suffered through stalking, verbal and physical violence, hidden cameras, and  flamboyant and unpunished violations of court orders.  I lived in a House of Horrors and was imprisoned in a dungeon built by his malice

With the help of his greedy and unscrupulous lawyer, he coldly and masterfully orchestrated devastating attacks designed to make me look crazy and violent in attempts to get custody of the kids he hardly even knew.  The police were called to our home (10) times during our year of divorce.  He lied, cheated, and stole.  He staged more than (33) events and recorded them as false “evidence”.  He dragged me into a maelstrom of Machiavellian schemes designed to isolate me from everything I had known and loved.

But to his chagrin, I survived – thrived once free from his control!  Once I determined to knock those walls down, everything started to focus into a plan, albeit slowly testing my patience. I chose to jump out of that pot of boiling water and began to take control of my life. Yes, MY life – not his, not our kids, but MINE. By eliminating the ignorance of the “what ifs” and fear of the unknown, I began to eliminate the anguish allowing myself to make my own choices, move forward one battle at a time and change my life, piece by piece.

Once I accepted that fact and that I deserved better, then I could begin my road to recovery, feeding my spirit that so desperately wanted to be happy. I changed my thinking process entirely, working diligently to “Let Go” all those evil thoughts and memories that were conditioned in me, allowing me to accept MY truth and MY reality. I wasn’t crazy! I’m an amazing mother, and I did the best I could. No regrets. Move forward.

Hopefully readers, through my journey, learn a few things about the divorce process and that the only winners in this game were the attorneys. But I did win in some ways. By understanding my light bulb moment, I overcame my fear of leaving my invisible prison; I realized that I was abused by the person I loved, who truly didn’t love me back.  He wasn’t capable o loving me as a person; he only loved what I could do for him.

To this day, he continues to threaten me – to sue me over my Blog.  Once again, his perception is that the world (and my blog) are all about him.  However, according to the Judge during one of our numerous court hearings (three years later still continuing), that I have the constitutional right to tell my story, my truth.

And so I write, not to defame or disparage. I choose to share my experiences to inspire others how to break free of an abusive partner while learning to identify common manipulative tactics of the narcissistic type and how to deal with them.

It’s so crucial for women to speak their truth, which is the most powerful tool. By sharing my journey through my Year of Thorns, I hope inspires others like me to stand up to the injustice, bullies, and tyrants, who made us victims. Abuse in all forms is wrong.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, get out. It’s not healthy for you or the children. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER!  For those out there who are depressed or scared in a toxic relationship and fearful of the unknown, know there’s hope at the end of the rainbow, even in the worst of times. Hold onto that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit, who will guide you.

Slowly over time, you will began to identify their emotional manipulative tactics.  YOU will learn not to engage or accept those devaluing messages thrown your way. As long as you stay true to yourself, your beliefs and all that you hold to be true in your heart, YOU will find power in your passion. YOU will be victorious, independent and free no longer harnessed by fear or control!

In Steve Maraboli’s Unapologetically You, he writes “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, you are here and now with the power to shape your day and your future. You only get one life.”

As you gain clarity about who you truly are, not by how others define you, you can become who you are meant to be.  As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want. You become what you believe.” Believe in yourself.

Emotional Manipulation #5 – Guilt Trip 

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Narcissists are able to manipulate others so well because they are continually on the lookout for our vulnerabilities.  Once they hone in on what’s important to you, they will use those things against us.  Some examples of vulnerabilities might be our children, any self-esteem issues or insecurities we might have (weight, appearance, etc.), or fears – such as being alone or threats of violating court orders and finances in my case.  Money was a major issue during our divorce.

The narcissistic psychopath will place a guilt trip on you when they want you to do something for them. They will make note of all the sacrifices they have made for you, the gestures they have made for you, and any minuscule compliment they have paid you. Your actions should be in recognition and repayment of those things. And when you refuse to comply or pay up, they claim it is your fault, with no other choice available but to comply and wield to their wishes. 

It’s all your fault.  Somehow in someway, his cheating, lying, and other bad behavior is also your fault.  Perhaps he’s telling you that you needed to be home more, or to spend more time with him, lose weight, gain weight, dress sexier, dress less sexy–whatever.  According to him, his behavior is your fault. (This is the classic, “Look at what you made me do.”)

I can remember one perfect example where my narcissistic partner used guilt as his weapon of choice to get me to wield to his will.  We were living in the same house during our divorce.  Regardless of our agreement that we would each have our own separate bedrooms; he hated losing that one piece of control over me.  He would constantly pick my bedroom lock breaking in, insisting it was HIS house, HIS room, and HE should have access to my bedroom anytime HE wished.  So after numerous times of my privacy being invaded, I had hired a locksmith and installed a pick-proof lock.

I had planned to get away for a few days, leaving for the weekend.  Prior to my departure, my narcissistic partner insisted that I leave my bedroom door unlocked, providing him full access. Using guilt as an emotional tactic he stated, “If you don’t leave the door open when you leave, I will call a locksmith and personally charge you the $300 that it cost to open it.”  He was going to charge me for HIS breaking into my bedroom!

He knew I was concerned about the finances.  His spending was out of control. Yet, every minute of every day he was claiming that I was the one violating the court’s status quo order, holding threats of motions over me.    Pouncing on my vulnerability and fears, I fell for his guilt trip hook, line and sinker.  I welded to his wishes and left my door unlocked. He had guilted me into thinking it was my fault he had to hire a locksmith to break into my personal bedroom!

He also tried many times after that to punish me using guilt where our children were concerned. After various court appearances, regardless of his illegal activities and high priced attorney, it was my fault he was spending so much money on our divorce.  Then telling our son he could no longer afford to help with his rent one week before it was due because it was my fault.

The same day we signed our settlement agreement, after much negotiation, he stated “I hope you’re happy, I can’t afford to support our children’s education because of you.”  When I wouldn’t agree to his demands, he followed through on his threats telling the children all their college funds were gone because again it was apparently all my fault.

Deep down I knew it wasn’t true, but he had hit below the belt where it hurt most – our kids.  And he would continue to do so over the months that followed, trying to guilt me especially where our children were concerned.  He stayed true to his threats over the years, that if I ever left he would leave me with nothing, and turn my own children against me.  He certainly tried.  Alienation and disparagement are also common tactics the narcissist commonly use.

Once you learn these manipulative tactics, they’re easy to spot.  However, not always easy to control your way of responding to those actions that have been conditioned over the years. Especially when they prey upon your fears and vulnerabilities.  Stay true to what you know – what you feel is your truth.  And as I quote Disney’s Elsa “Let it go” as best you can.  You’re not crazy or delusional.  You have a right to your own opinions, beliefs and integrity.  Believe in yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotional Manipulation #4 – Setting Smoke Screens

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Narcissist throw a smoke screen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic. Narcissist don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable.  If you really want to talk about the issue that’s bothering you, you’ll have to  continually try to get back to the subject at hand, which is difficult in the first place.  And then of course there’s the fear of  their reaction.  

When I confronted the narcissist about anything, he would change the subject or make everything seem like a joke.  On one occasion during our divorce, after his constant invasions of my personal space I asked him, “Why do you keep breaking into my room and going through my personal files?” 

The Narcissist replied, “You’re the one that abandoned the family,” completely changing the subject in attempt to shift the blame. If I complained about his neglectful parenting, he would point out a mistake or event that happened years ago.   Somehow he would turn the tables on me.  

When I asked the narcissist about his non-status quo purchases during our divorce, he replied, “Why don’t you get a job so you can pay for all your drinking with your new boyfriend.” I wasn’t out drinking and I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time.  It was frustrating to say the least.  But over time I began to learn and recognize the pattern and his smoke screens.    It’s not me.  I’m not crazy.  

I also learned there’s no arguing with the silver tongued devil.  I would never win, nor would I ever get the answers to my questions through his smoke and mirrors.

Listen to Your Inner Voice

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Within each of us, there are numerous voices often that compete for our attention. It can be difficult to decide which one to listen to, particularly when their messages are all quite different, sometimes conflicting, and even alluring. One voice, however, is the speaker of truth. Among all your inner voices, your true inner voice is the one which encourages you, gives you hope, and pushes you to trust and believe in yourself. Conflict within oneself is often caused by dueling voices inside of each one of us. As we move through life, we get mixed messages from the various aspects of ourselves. Some of our voices, such as the naysayer or saboteur, can speak so loudly that they drown out the voice of truth. Listening to your true inner voice  often the voice of understanding, support, and self-assurance – can help lessen and even resolve internal conflict. 

If you’re looking toward the future but your faith in your ability to succeed in life is wavering, you will benefit from finding and listening to your true inner voice. You can connect with it by remaining relaxed and alert, while listening carefully. If you have trouble distinguishing your true voice from the others, meditation may be helpful. You may hear many voices as you meditate, but the one you should pay attention to is the one that speaks to you with love, understanding, and compassion. It will bolster your spirits and urge you to go after your dreams. And it will never cause confusion, remind you of past mistakes, or cause you to doubt yourself. 

The more you listen to and believe in what your true inner voice is telling you about your value and your potential, the stronger that voice will become. And the more you disregard the voices that can interfere with your resolve to succeed, the quieter those voices will become. Saying no to the voices that are judgmental and make you feel ashamed will help you stop being critical of your failures and afraid of success. By finding and strengthening your true inner voice, you will be able to ignore internal conflict and pick out the one that speaks the truth.

“The longer you listen to and believe your true inner voice, the stronger it will become.” Daily OM

Dear Narcissist’s Future/New Girlfriend

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Dear Future Girlfriend,

I am truly sorry for your loss.  Right now, everything is great as you’re in the honeymoon phase. But soon his veneer will slip, and you will be under his control. Whatever view you had of yourself before you met him, imagine a shadow and a husk of that. Whatever strengths and talents you imagined yourself possessing before you met him, shatter them all and start over from scratch. Your confidence and self-esteem will hit rock bottom because of the way you will be treated and manipulated.  You will lose yourself.  When he tells you that he loves you, he really means:

He loves knowing that through gaslighting, and other mind-game tactics, he can make you question your own memory, perception and sanity.

He loves the power he has to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few words of affirmation your way. He loves watching how quickly he talks you into trusting him when he turns on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, “this time, he will change”  He loves that he can make you feel he’s doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way.

He loves enabling his self-serving behavior through verbal abuse and relishes how easy it is to diminish and manipulate you.  He loves the power to take advantage of your kindness and the pleasure he derives when he makes himself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to devalue you with harsh words making you feel small and insignificant.

He loves how easy it is to throw a smokescreen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic.  He loves to get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from him, making you repeat yourself.

He loves having you to project onto deflecting all the issues about his own actions by shifting the focus onto something irrelevant.  He loves knowing how effective his tactics have been to keep you in pain when you keep telling him how much he hurt you.

He loves that you are there to blame, making you feel guilty to accomplish his goals and desires.

He loves deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel special and worthwhile with his harsh words and snide comments. He loves to exert his charisma and charm highlighting his positive attributes all the while devaluing yours.

He loves that he can isolate you through a smear campaign, keeping you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; He loves making you mistrust them and that no one likes you.

He loves being the center of your universe, regardless of how he mistreats you. He loves alienating you, draining the energy from your life at risk of losing more and more of what you most value and hold dear.

He loves fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, controlling your mind, so that you think of him as your Supreme Being.  He loves being in control of you like an addiction.

He loves how skillfully he manipulates others’ opinions of you through third party reinforcements, getting them to side with him as the “good” guy or “good” parent.

He loves how he can use his power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining and defending yourself while projecting his own insecurities onto you. 

He loves you so much he will become obsessed with you, stalking your every move, always afraid you might abandon him.

He loves making you fearful, keeping you in your place. 

He loves the way he feels when he’s with you. Due to how often he hates and look down on others in general, mirroring feelings of self-loathing.

He loves to dismiss and punish accordingly with judgement and shame until you learn your “lesson,” and to take your place as a voiceless object, a possession 

to serve his pleasure.  He loves using you as a punching bag, to make himself feel good by making you feel bad about yourself or that you deserved it.

When he says he loves you, he actually loves trivializing what he did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time he spent engaged with you or the children.

He loves taunting and provoking you, over everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share to keep you on the crazy wheel, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself with his altered reality tactics.  He loves to ride the crazy wheel.

He loves the way he feels when you are with him, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property he owns. He loves the extent to which you enhance his status in the eyes of others.  He loves thinking others are jealous of his possessions.

He loves that he can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women.  

He loves you because, due to the self-loathing he carries inside, he needs someone who won’t abandon him.  Meanwhile he will be seeking comfort in others’ arms.

He loves the power he has over you and the feeling he gets from winning the game, regardless of the effects in has on you or the family.

Wishing you all the best,

The Ex – wife, mother, survivor

#Metoo

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#Metoo.  Women are abused in all forms. Not just sexually. One of today’s top news stories is about sexual abuse – something that allegedly happened 20+ years ago.  So what about those who find the courage to tell their true life’s story of verbal and physical abuse today — only to be subjected to fear through threats of retribution?

Someone needs to make a stand. Abuse in all forms is unacceptable. It shouldn’t matter the degree. Sexual, verbal, physical, mental or even bullying. It’s wrong. Abuse in all forms is wrong.

I applaud those who have the courage to come forward, sharing their trials and tribulations. It takes tenacity and grit. Unfortunately, even with freedom of speech, those victims then become the target of criticism and ridicule. Many times those courageous souls are then threatened with claims of defamation and slander — legal intimidation, only to placed back in the victim seat once again.

Our society needs to change.

If you agree…. share this message. Share it with your friends. Support the #metoo movement and for all those who have ever been made to feel less than or hurt. Now is the time to stand up – and shout from the roof tops “No More!” Listen, learn and help others.

Life is a gift. One we must cherish. Love and help one another.

January Recap ….

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January Summary – One Month Into My Divorce

Amicable?  Peaceful?  Let our attorneys work it out?   Scott had been anything but amicable one month into our divorce ‘process’ as he professed so often to anyone who would listen.  (They say hindsight is 20/20 – the following year would be ugly, malicious and devastating. I still can’t believe I survived it all, despite everything. Then there’s that age old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”   … Call me Hercules!)

Over the course of the past month, Scott had sabotaged my client / attorney relationship, which compromised my subsequent filing for divorce.  He then filed as the plaintiff and had me served at the same time as my father’s open heart surgery.  He also tried to set me up and incriminate me by staging three separate events.

He continued to spin an evil web of lies and deceit that put me on a crazy wheel.  He maliciously used manipulative tactics like Gaslighting, Words of Affirmation, and Verbal Abuse.   Scott accused me of hiding funds and having an affair, things he was doing himself!

Scott started alienating me from our finances and stopped paying the credit card bills.  He refused to give me any money, which forced me to stay in the marital home for the sake of our children, and thus began my nightmare incarceration in his House of Horrors.  Scott blatantly began to violate the very orders that he put in place by cashing out stocks, forging my signature, and hiding funds.

Scott invaded my privacy repeatedly.  He started breaking into my files, my emails, my bedroom, and my car.  On two separate occasions I called the police, fearful for my safety.

Scott’s behavior started metastasizing like a cancer that, throughout our marriage, had been eating into the relationship, damaging it beyond repair.  Now, however, I was seeing how deadly and malignant Scott could really be. He set out to ruin my life and my relationship with our children, my very sanity.  To him, it was a game, one he had to win at all costs.  He gave me no choice but to play by his rules.

And just like a cancer, he didn’t care what he destroyed in his lust to win; eating my life away, piece by piece.

Here’s a Brief Recap of January’s Events:

EMOTIONAL MANIPULATIVE TACTICS (the first 3 of 17)

Emotional Manipulation #1 – Gaslighting  

Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt oneself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.  Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or an extreme exaggeration of the truth.  The term is derived from the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by forcing her to question herself and her sense of reality.  When someone is gaslighted, the narcissist will tell you, “That didn’t happen.  You imagined it.  You’re crazy. You’re delusional.”  In a nutshell, the narcissist will lie and that instills doubt.  Scott now proclaiming that he never agreed to reside in the guest bedroom during the divorce was a perfect example.  It’s easy to see how powerful this can be, as it allows the abuser to deflect all focus from their own actions and shift it to something completely irrelevant. Or, Scott would twist it so I would doubt my perceptions of what really happened time and time again.

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #2 – Words of Affirmation

“Words of Affirmation” are just what you want to hear from your significant other – that they love you, how important you are to them, they are sorry, and how they will never hurt you again. The only thing is – you never hear these things from them unless you are extremely upset and threatening to walk away. Or when they feel the need to exert their power over you in some way. It could be when you’ve reached your boiling point, like a frog about to jump out of the pot, but these words of affirmation are what your abuser knows will get you to stop being angry and stay. Unfortunately, this probably isn’t a true feeling of love or respect for you. It’s just giving you what you want to hear (or gifts) to calm you down – that’s appeasement, not love.

Emotional Manipulation #3 – Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is when a person forcefully criticizes, insults, or devalues someone else. Characterized by underlying anger and hostility, it is a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept of the other person and produce negative emotions in attempt to control another through non-physical means. Verbal abuse, and most other types of abuse, is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy. Healthy people might occasionally lose their temper, leading to an outburst, but a consistent pattern of hurtful verbal abuse can only be the result of a deeper problem.

STAGING

Staging #1 – Scott lied and sabotaged my attorney and filed as the plaintiff

Staging #2 – Amicable recording

Staging #3 – Scott planted a BB gun in my bedroom, claiming to be afraid for his safety

POLICE REPORTS

Police Report #1 – Missing tax files/chasing me into my bedroom

Police Report #2 – Locksmith, gaining key, and entry to my bedroom

FINANCES

– Scott excluded me from finances

– Scott depleted our local bank account

– Scott refused to pay visa bill

– Scott demanded my ring to sell for attorney fees

– Scott changed statement mailing address to his office

– Scott Sold E*Trade Stocks and changed statement mailing address

– Scott had E*Trade stock check overnighted

– Scott cashed $71,000 check at Chicago bank

– Scott removed/hid Puerto Rican Bank Statements

INVASIONS OF MY PRIVACY

– Scott refused to move to guest bedroom as previously agreed

– Scott broke into my bedroom repeatedly

– Scott hired a locksmith to break into my room and get a key

– Scott broke into my home computer files

– Scott hacked my personal emails

– Scott broke into my locked car and stole files

MY FIRST MONTH

– My father had heart failure, heart surgery

– I hired my 2nd attorney

– I hired a (CDFA) Certified Divorce Financial Advisor

– I met with Chicago Bank and got an ATM card working

– I began working on interrogatory questions

– I hired a locksmith

– I moved Scott’s items to the basement

– I called Police twice

– I began to research, read and understand

Our divorce wasn’t going to be amicable or peaceful as Scott professed over and over. He had declared war; trumpets blaring, sword drawn, and riding high on his horse.   He had always threatened he would do whatever it took to destroy me, to leave me with nothing and ruin my relationship with our kids. True to his words, January was just a small taste of things to come. In the months to follow it would get worse.  Much, much worse.

War of the Roses?  Nah, I wish.  That was peanuts.  It was just the beginning of my Year of Thorns.

 

One Year Ago – Liberation Day

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One Year Ago . . . a day of reflection

I’m jumping ahead here to my journal entry from one year ago on 9/11.  It seems to be a day of reflection.  What a difference a year makes.

I had met Scott thirty years ago to the day.  I remember vividly because it was my friend Karen’s birthday all those years ago back in college.  And being that it falls on 9/11 also makes the date easy to remember.  I will always remember 9/11 moving forward as my Liberation Day.  The day I singed our Settlement Agreement.

Psychiatric Evaluation Results 

Our attorneys had asked to meet prior to my deposition to see if we could finalize a Settlement Agreement regarding the few remaining issues prior to our scheduled trial to begin the following day:  Child Custody, Alimony and Child Support.  (Scott had already been disposed by that point.)

To my advantage and delight we finally received the psychiatric evaluation results that morning.  Scott’s entire case was based on claims that I was an unfit and uninvolved mother — which, after his deposition, we knew was a lie.  Scott couldn’t answer a single question regarding our children.  Scott’s only alternative was to claim that I was mentally unstable, bipolar, delusional, etc….  Everything was riding on the psychiatric evaluation results.  For us both! 

I received the results literally as I was walking out the door to meet Kelly, my attorney a few minutes prior to our Settlement talks.   I couldn’t read through the report fast enough as my heart pounded, with each sentence filling my heart with joy. 

The results were even better than I imagined! Having just read the report myself, I couldn’t help but gloat.  It was Scott’s final nail in the coffin.  He had no case against me.  He had to know that if we went to trial he would surely have lost taking into consideration both his deposition and his personal psychological assessment results.  Then there was my boat load of evidence pertaining to his forgery, perjury, documented abuse through police reports, hacking, evidence of staging and lying to our co-parenting therapist, plus my documentation of over 100 violations.  Scott really had no choice but to settle. 

*           *            *

September 11 – Settlement Agreement, My Liberation Day! 

During our final negotiations, we knew Scott wanted to avoid going to trial.  However, his settlement offer was much less than what I wanted, but significantly more than his original offer of ZERO.  Slowly over the course of the morning we made headway.  During our negotiations I stood my ground and refused Scott’s last offer.  I had calculated an amount that I thought was fair and refused to go below that amount.  (It still wasn’t what I wanted financially, but I also wanted it to be over!) 

My attorney, upset with my stubbornness, actually asked me to step outside into the parking lot.  As we stood there, Kelly with her voice raised proceeded to tell me while pointing her finger in my face that I was making the biggest mistake of my life if I wouldn’t accept their latest settlement offer. It was much less than I was willing to go; especially after my research in talking with my CDFA and court ‘calculated’ recommended amount.   I dug in my heels and for the first time I stood up to Kelly and said “I am willing to take my chances.  I’d rather go to trial than compromise my integrity.”  Which is exactly what I would have done if I had agreed to Scott’s pittance of an offer.  Up to this point I’ve been fighting for my life.  I was not about to quit, after everything Scott’s put me through not just this past year, but in all the years before.    My attorney couldn’t possibly understand the pain and mental anguish I’d endured. 

Kelly, not happy with my refusal, stormed back into the building.  Throwing her arms up in the air as she walked into the conference room announced “We’re going to trial.  Negotiations are done. Offer refused.”  Following a few feet behind Kelly I sat down and clipped the mic on stating that I was ready to start my deposition for our trial tomorrow. I was not playing around.  The look on Scott’s face was priceless, seeing I was dead serious, he stated, “I told you she would do this,” to his attorney and stepped out asking for a few words in private.  

Approximately ten minutes later, they came back into our small conference room where I was waiting with the court stenographer who was there to record my deposition.  Scott had agreed to our Settlement offer and alimony from our last round of negotiations (still lower than I hoped, but I could live on).  There was no reason to continue with my deposition nor preparations for trial. We also agreed that we would continue the personal property and status quo violation issues with the arbitrator (Big Mistake – Huge.)

The four of us proceeded to write out the agreement around the conference table dividing the assets effective September 1st retroactively.  We all were then required to sign the document.  When the papers came around to me, I had a last-minute thought and refused to sign. The silence in the room was deafening. I proceeded to state “I will only sign our agreement today if I get the dog.”  Scott had threatened all along to take the dog as well as the children from me.  

Scott actually began to refuse and argue, when his attorney hit him on the arm and told him, “Give her the damn dog!”  Scott reluctantly agreed, and I signed.   I was disappointed in the final numbers, but happy that chapter was nearly closed. I actually felt guilty that I was so happy – so close to freedom!  (I was so misguided — it was far from over.)

I was hopeful that the divorce was nearly over and the Judgement of Divorce (JOD) could be entered. (It wasn’t entered until January!)  We still had a few loose ends with the arbitrator regarding our personal property and Status Quo violations, but I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was nearly free!  For the first time in what seems like ages I could breath and feel a sense of hope for my future.

Signing the Settlement Agreement was by far my biggest mistake leaving the rest of the issues in the mediator/arbitrators hands.  I should have gone to trial.  As part of our Settlement Agreement I agreed to waive all attorney fees.  This was also a huge mistake.   It wasn’t mutual.  Meaning that Scott did not agree to waive attorney fees and would come after me for Arbitration and Mediation attorney fees later.  Scott’s attorney fees were 2/3 higher than mine.  But Kelly insisted that it would be difficult to get reimbursed given that the fees were already paid in full.  But according to Kelly, going to trail would cost significantly more, and I would be taking a chance at recouping those attorney fees and sanctions.  One can’t predict the future, but in hindsight, I had already come so far, I should have taken the chance.  It wasn’t over.  Not even close and Scott would continue to bleed me dry after signing the Settlement Agreement.

*           *            *

The Aftermath 

Scott lost the battle; we both did.  The only winners were the attorneys.  Finally, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  I should have been relieved, happy that this war was nearly over.  But I had this foreboding feeling that there was more to come. (There was!)

As anticipated, the malicious messages came rolling in immediately.  Using all the manipulative tools Scott knew, he tried to shame me; guilting me by projecting his own insecurities onto me through a barrage of texts. Scott said, “I hope you’re happy. Now I can’t afford to support our children’s education.”  He continued calling me greedy, claiming that the children would suffer because of me!   

I couldn’t help but reflect how much money we wasted, literally thrown out the window, much in part to Scott’s actions (and significant attorney fees).  Yet he blamed me, using the only weapon he had left to hurt me, the kids. Just as I feared. Just as he threatened.  Scott had 14 days to write me a check for half the equity of the house, boat, cars and E-Trade compensation.  (Having those funds allowed me the financial freedom to move out finally). Scott didn’t want to give me one cent, but he  was a smart man, backed into the corner with his failure of a deposition and an even worse psychiatric evaluation in hand. He was a wounded warrior, out for revenge.

I should have refused to settle and gone to trial. What I didn’t understand at the time and do now is that the narcissist show their true colors in conflict. One should abandon all hope of a reasonable negotiation or mediation; the true narcissist does neither. The narcissist’s policy is to scorch the earth, destroying everything and leaving nothing behind.

Staging #3 – Gun

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January Journal Continued . . .

Not bothering to knock, using his key Scott let himself into the master bedroom, and approached me again with his phone in hand recording.  Clearly, Scott had carefully planned and orchestrated what he would say next.  Dropping the bombshell Scott said, “I’m afraid of you. I don’t feel safe in our home because you have a gun in your room!” 

Stunned, I stopped putting away the laundry, shocked at his comments. Had I heard him correctly? I asked, “What did you say? A gun?” 

In my bewilderment, Scott replied, “I know you have a gun in your room, and I’m notifying my attorney immediately.” 

After Scott turned around and strutted out of my bedroom, perplexed I searched my bedroom.  Sure enough, in the top drawer of my dresser Scott had planted a BB gun under some clothes.  The same gun we had used to shoot the iguanas to scare them away from relieving themselves in our pool in Puerto Rico!  It was an air pump BB gun, relatively harmless.  But Scott just accused me of having a gun in my room and recorded it, stating he was now afraid of me! Thus admitting at the same time that he had broken into my room earlier and gone through my drawers and clothes.

I contacted my attorney Bob the next day and asked him what to do?  With a chuckle, Bob said, “Carefully place the BB gun in a plastic bag avoiding making fingerprints and hide it somewhere safe.” I was completely dumfounded.  Had Scott really just staged something in an attempt to frame me?! Hell Yes! I didn’t think it was funny.  Not at all.  

My intuition was right.  And that was just the beginning.  I had every right to be afraid.

Certified Financial Divorce Advisor (CDFA)

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January Journal Continued  . . .

It was time to put my support team together.  After loads of research I learned there was such a thing as a Certified Financial Divorce Advisor.  That was exactly what I needed. I was still working on the hundreds of interrogatory questions and needed help, especially with the financial portion.  And so I hired a Renee, and asked her to review our taxes since, when living abroad, were very complex.  Scott’s company had provided the firm KPMG to prepare them annually. And I had many, many questions.

CDFA

The role of a Certified Divorce Financial Advisor (CDFA) is to assist the client and lawyer how the financial decisions made today will impact the client’s future.  And, after divorce how to best position your assets.

Back when we lived in Puerto Rico, Scott told me that KPMG had miscalculated our taxes as part of the tax equalization process and we owed $60,000.  I was shocked.  That was nearly our entire savings and we supposedly had to pay that money back to The Company. In all the years since, it never sat right with me.  Our taxes had always been around just a few thousand dollars that we either owed or received in return, not $60,000!  And the check for the payment was written to our local bank, not to the IRS, not to The Company.  When I had questioned Scott about it then, I was dismissed.  Scott said, “You don’t understand finances. You’re stupid when it comes to numbers.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  So now I asked Renee to look for that transaction and documentation.  Nothing.  I then asked my attorney, Bob, to add that to a second set of interrogatory questions for Scott.  

When Scott saw I’d hired the CDFA (using our joint accounts), in retaliation he began bombarding me with requests for my business records and receipts.  I crafted as a hobby and for stress relief.  I was crafting like crazy at the time!  Sometimes I would sell my wares at craft shows.  I spent more on supplies then what I made back in sales.  But Scott always refused to claim my income, concerned that it would raise red flags with the IRS.  Then Scott accused me stating, “I know you’re hiding money.  You’re a spending whore,” amongst other choice insults.  My hiring Renee spooked Scott — he was unusually assertive and angry. 

Renee was a huge help.  But I never got the answer about the missing $60,000 from Puerto Rico.  All of our Puerto Rico bank statements also mysteriously disappeared at that time during the divorce. We even went so far as to subpoena the Puerto Rican Banks. They refused to respond stating they were a US territory and needn’t comply with US rules and regulations.  Later I also hired a PI – to look for hidden funds.  Just for a domestic sweep (within the US) cost $750.  To do an international sweep I was told would cost thousands – thousands I didn’t have access to at the time.  I’m sure Scott got away with it all.  Living internationally, it was easy for Scott to stash cash.

 

 

Staging #2 – Amicable

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January Journal Continue . . .  

With his phone out and obviously recording, Scott approached me in our home office and asked, “What do you want?”  Scott then continued on to say for the camera, patting his heart and giving me the sad puppy eyes, “I just want a peaceful, painless, and amicable divorce.” I couldn’t help but laugh.  All his actions leading up to that point were anything but peaceful.  

I replied, “If you want our divorce to be amicable, as you’ve so often said, then please respect my boundaries.  Stop breaking into my room, my car, my files.  Our divorce is not going to be amicable until you are amicable.” 

“So, you’re saying you are a not going to be amicable?”  With a big grin, Scott then said, “Thank you very much.” He turned, and walked away saying, “Thank You. Thank You,” repeatedly chuckling under his breath walking out the door.   

(Over the course of the divorce, Scott would stage more than 30 events in attempt to set me up and/or even going so far as to trying to put me in jail.)

Police Report #2

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January Journal Continued . . .

Today I returned home from Chicago to find that Scott had hired a locksmith and gained access to the master bedroom — the lock that I had installed just a few days prior.  It was pick proof, but not locksmith proof. (This was just the start of the Locksmith Fund …. more than a dozen visits over the course of the divorce costing more than $1,000.) 

“It’s my house, my room and now I have the key,” Scott said.  “There’s nothing you can do about it.  Legally I have the right to be here.”  Taunting me, he refused then to give me a key. There was no sense in trying to reason with him.  Even with our counselor reaching out to him, reminding Scott of our agreement, Scott will do what he wants, when he wants with no regards for my privacy.  He meant to torture me, throw me off balance.   

Scott went through my files on the home computer before.  This time I discovered he went through my personal files I kept locked in my bedroom.  Is nothing sacred?  Can’t he allow me one place to be my personal space?  No!  Now Scott had the key to use anytime he felt like gaining access to me and my room!  I won’t stand for it!  Not now.  Not anymore.  Why was he so obsessed with my personal space?  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it!  It was abuse no matter how you looked at it.

In a panic and angry I called the police.  How am I supposed to continue to live in fear with no privacy and no sleep?  I couldn’t just pack up and leave, forced to stay in the marital home for the sake of our children with no money of my own.  (Police Report #2.)

The police came shortly thereafter and asked Scott to give me a copy of the key. Reluctantly he obliged.  I asked the officer what I could do about Scott consistently breaking into my bedroom?  I told him how Scott had terrorized me numerous times in the middle of the night.  I told the officer how Scott had assaulted me before and how his anger outburst scared me.  The officer proceeded to tell me, “Legally you both own the house. Therefore, he has the right to access your bedroom, regardless of your agreement. Unless it’s written in a Court Order, there’s nothing we can do.” 

But one officer did suggest I contact the Personal Protection Order (PPO) offices as an option.  I had been there before back in October when Scott hurt me the last time. But that was a while ago.  Usually to file a PPO there had to be evidence of recent physical harm or eminent danger.  Did I have to wait until I was beaten again, or worse?  In the meantime I contacted my attorney – apparently there was an alternative option.  I needed to file a Motion for Exclusive Use of the Home.  It was obvious Scott was not going to let this divorce be amicable or peaceful as he repeatedly stated over and over.  His actions proved otherwise.

(Looking back, I think this was all a part of Scott’s intricate plan to get me out of the house with his constant invasion of my privacy. More on that later.)  

Exiled 

The following day I removed Scott’s access to all my social media accounts, including Facebook.  He went ballistic.  Scott couldn’t stand not having access to my accounts, by bedroom, my car.  I was a piece of property he owned and everything that went with it.

So in retaliation once again, Scott said he is taking our oldest son, Brandon to Las Vegas for his 21st birthday and our daughter to Miami for spring break.  Scott knows I don’t approve, which I stated on record.  Brandon had just gone on my birthday cruise, which was also to have been his early 21st birthday present.  Lindsey was going to California. 

I don’t understand where all this money was coming from?  I expressed my concerns while taping the conversation on my phone to Scott.  I stated, “these extra trips of yours were not planned jointly nor agreed upon. Therefore you are the one now violating the MSQ and MRO orders as you so often accused me of doing.”  Scott just laughed and walked away.  The rules didn’t apply to Scott.  (And, he got away with it all.  Spend now, ask forgiveness later rule.)

Moving Day

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January Journal Continued . . . 

I was exhausted by Scott’s continuous efforts to pick my bedroom lock, always having some lame excuse; claiming he needed access to the thermostat, the medicine in the cupboard or something else.  Our therapist Sally reached out to him, reminding Scott of our agreement that he would reside in the guest room. Finally forced to acknowledge our agreement, he was now procrastinating moving his stuff to the guest room stating he didn’t have time due to work constraints.

I couldn’t take another sleepless night by that point, and so that morning I proclaimed it moving day.    I called a locksmith who assured me that the new lock he installed was “pick-proof.”  After the locksmith left, since Scott refused to move his belongings to the guest room, out of the kindness of my heart (and for my sanity) I moved everything.

Initially I considered throwing everything out the windows like you see on TV. But that would mean violating the MSQ/MRO orders if I removed anything of his from the house.  Instead, I packed up Scott’s clothes and personal items and moved them to the basement, two floors below, taking one step at a time.  Stairs were difficult since my second knee replacement revision.  It took me hours and many, many trips, but worth every bead of sweat to get him out of my personal space. Being a bit obsessive-compulsive, I actually color-coordinated all of his hanging clothes and put the others neatly in the dressers.  Anything that didn’t fit or wasn’t seasonal I put into moving boxes and labeled each one accordingly. I then wrote Scott a letter and posted it on the master bedroom door explaining my actions. I asked him to respect our agreement so we could move ahead peacefully and amicably. 

When Scott returned home later that evening and saw the new lock I had installed on my bedroom door, he lost it and angrily began banging on my bedroom door. I was thankful that both the children were away, and tried to ignore his temper tantrum as he shouted, “You have no right to move my stuff!”  Further adding “It’s my house and my bedroom!”  He accused me of violating the MSQ/MRO orders, even going so far as to make a copy of the Orders and sliding them under my bedroom door.  Imagine what would have happened had I thrown all his stuff out the window! 

I felt safe for the first time in a long, long while having the new lock in place. I slept well that night. But that didn’t last long.  

Scott would later claim in court that I  threw all his clothes down the stairs. Thankfully, I took photos of all of his items that I had neatly moved, hung and put away.

F is for Felony

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January Journal Continued . . . 

Scott left again on another one of his business trips. I am beginning to question his ‘business trips’ which seem to be increasing in frequency.  Not that I mind. I am glad, even grateful, when Scott is away. I can’t sleep when he is at home, I’m always afraid he will pick the lock on my bedroom door, day or night.  

While Scott is away, the texts have started rolling in like a thunderstorm.  Scott continues to proclaim that our agreement with our marriage counselor never took place stating “You’re crazy. I never agreed to stay in the basement; you’re delusional to think that you have the right to lock the door and keep me out of my own bedroom!”

In another text Scott threatened, “I will call the locksmith when I get home if you still continue to lock the door.”  

Desperate and sleep-deprived, I reached out to our marriage counselor, Sally. I asked if I misunderstood our arrangement. Was I delusional?  Had I misinterpreted our conversation that day while in Florida?  That was one of the worst days of my life, holding my sobbing father after hearing his life was at stake, and then choosing OUT of our marriage per Scott’s ultimatum.  To my relief, Sally confirmed that “Yes,” during the conference call from Florida Scott had agreed to reside in the basement guest bedroom. She reassured me stating “I will reach out to Scott and remind him of the agreement.” 

I immediately took a photo of her text and saved it to a zip drive. I have started stockpiling loads of texts and emails against Scott should we go to trial.  (Thank goodness I started keeping track of literally hours upon hours of videos and recordings as well as hundreds of emails and texts, in addition to this journal.) This evidence will be crucial later when questioning my recollection of events, dates, times, etc. as well as my reality which has been brought into question numerous times because as Scott implied “I was delusional.”  However, I have come to realize this isn’t true. Our agreement with our therapist is a perfect illustration of the crazy wheel Scott kept me spinning on. I have to constantly reach out to friends, family, therapist, and my own journal to validate my perceptions and beliefs breaking down any self-doubt. 

While Scott was away on his current ‘business trip’ we later discovered that without my knowledge and approval Scott cashed out some of our stocks and took the check sent by overnight express from E*TRADE, forged my signature, and withdrew more than $71,000 in cash from our Chicago bank. Not only did Scott violate both the MRO and MSQ orders, he committed a felony by forging my signature! 

Police Report #1

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January Journal Continued . . . 

The kids needed cash for various things such as ski club and travel money for our daughter’s upcoming Distributive Education Club of America (DECA) trip.  Scott refused to give me or the kids any money.  So, I went to our local credit union and withdrew $100.  Scott even stated that he will not pay the overdue credit card bill that is in my name, purposely damaging my credit.   

I had opened a new card about a year ago to get the double airline miles.  When I applied online, I couldn’t figure out how to add another name.  Besides, I thought at the time I should start building credit of my own, having contemplated divorce even then. But I considered it a family account as I put all the monthly utilities and joint expenses on that card, most being direct debit and all paid from our joint bank account.  

“I refuse to pay for anything that isn’t mine; you have to pay for your own expenses and attorney fees,” he said. (I was so glad I had secretly began recording our conversation, showing proof of his attempts to alienate me from our finances.)

When I expressed “You know I don’t have any money of my own. It’s all in our joint account,” Scott then stipulated, “Well then, I guess you need to sell some of your jewelry or go get a job.  I’m not paying your credit card bill.” 

Having heard enough, I left and headed over to a neighbor’s house where we drank a glass of wine and soaked in her hot tub.  I did not want to have to deal with him anymore that day knowing there was no way I could battle with the silver tongued devil.  When I returned to the house later that evening, Scott pounced on me in the kitchen the moment I walked in the door.  He was obviously drunk, slurring his words and visibly angry with his stance.  

He wanted to know, “Where did you go?  Who were you with!?”   Once again if insinuating that I was having an affair.  Then he accused me of being drunk having noticed that I took a bottle of wine with me when I left earlier.  

Finally he got around to the real subject that was bothering him.  He had noticed the tax files were missing from our home office, and asked, “Where are the tax files!?” 

I explained, “I dropped off the tax files to be copied.” I did not tell him I had left the tax files with my new attorney. But it didn’t really matter either way.  His reaction was NOT normal, unless he had something to hide.

Because I had temporarily removed the tax files Scott was now accusing me of violating the MSQ and MRO orders. Scott then demanded to know when, where and with whom I left our tax files with?  When Scott didn’t get the answers he was seeking, I could tell his anger was quickly rising.  He stood within a few feet of me, purposely invading my personal space, screaming now within inches of my face demanding answers.  

Not knowing what else to do, I bolted, running up to my room.  Scott was right behind me as he chased me into the master bedroom. I managed just in time to lock myself in the master bathroom slamming the door in his face. Terrified I dialed the police.  I didn’t doubt for one second it could have escalated to physical abuse if I hadn’t locked myself in the bathroom.  He was crazy mad, and Mr. Hyde was banging on my door yelling “I’m pressing charges! You just assaulted me with the door!” (Keep in mind, I am recording everything.)

Not long after I made the call, the police came and made sure I was ok. The officer told Scott to leave me alone, and left.  Instead of listening to the officers, Scott’s irrational and erratic behavior escalated.  I had to take refuge in the master bathroom again while I heard Scott pacing outside the bathroom door shouting more obscenities and ranting. (Thank goodness I had video taped Scott’s erratic behavior that day, proving I hadn’t assaulted him with the door. It would come in handy later.)

When all was quiet and it seemed like Scott had given up, I went to check on Cooper. I hoped our son slept through the whole ordeal. I was relieved to find him sound asleep.  When I went to go back into my bedroom a minute later I found the door shut and locked. Scott must have waited for me to open the door, then snuck in while I was checking on Cooper. I was banished to the basement again without my PJ’s, toothbrush, and my medication.  I could have picked the lock, but I wasn’t about to sink to his level, nor did I want to disturb the drunken Supreme Being, afraid of his retaliation.  I’d had enough of Scott that night.  Best to stay away. 

Unbeknownst to me, Scott sold more E*TRADE stocks that day and requested that the check be sent to him via overnight express. Another MRO & MSQ violation. 

Words of Affirmation – Emotional Manipulative Tactic #2

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Emotional Manipulation Tactic #2 – Words of Affirmation

“Words of Affirmation” are just what you want to hear from your significant other – that they love you, how important you are to them, they are sorry, and how they will never hurt you again. The only thing is – you never hear these things from them unless you are extremely upset and threatening to walk away. Or when they feel the need to exert their power over you in some way. It could be when you’ve reached your boiling point, like a frog about to jump out of the pot, but these words of affirmation are what your abuser knows will get you to stop being angry and stay. Unfortunately, this probably isn’t a true feeling of love or respect for you. It’s just giving you what you want to hear (or gifts) to calm you down – that’s appeasement, not love. 

After Scott’s last physical attack in October, I threatened to leave.  Scott then claimed to have an epiphany, that he would change and do whatever it took.  He bought me Hallmark cards of affirmation daily and wrote me letters stating how much he loved me and was sorry for all that he’d done in the past. (Looking back I think he was just buying time, hoping I wouldn’t press charges or file a PPO – Personal Protection Order.)

Upon returning from my birthday cruise (that he went on without me), Scott presented me with a beautiful platinum 5 diamond ring stating, “Happy Birthday. I love you with all my heart and I want to make (US) work.  It was the nicest piece of jewelry he ever gave me. But his words didn’t sound sincere, even then.  So Scott was making this grand gesture at the time trying to save our marriage by buying me gifts and showering me with words of affirmation.   “I will change and do whatever it takes” he proclaimed.   That lasted about a month, if that.  

January Journal Continued . . .

I awoke to Scott shaking my shoulder. I bolted upward and asked with my heart pounding a million beats per second. “What do you want now?” indignant that he had picked the lock, again.   Sleep was becoming difficult.  I never knew when he would ‘pick’ the lock and let himself into my bedroom.  My bedroom had become my invisible prison.  It was the only place I felt somewhat safe.  But was it?  After all, according to Scott it was HIS house, HIS room and HE could enter anytime HE felt like it with no regards to my wishes, privacy or our agreement; which apparently never took place.  I was crazy and delusional.

Standing over me in the dark Scott clamored “Where’s the ring I gave you for your birthday? I need it back!” 

“What?  It was a gift.  I’m not giving it back to you” I said, refusing his demands, pulling the sheets up trying to protect myself (and hide the ring I had on). 

In the most patronizing voice Scott could muster, he demanded, “I need it back so that I can pay attorney fees!” He said, angrily shouting at me, now holding out his hand expecting me to comply. 

Groggily I actually laughed with disgust upon hearing this. Rolling over, turning my back to him I replied, “Nope.  Sorry” hoping that he would go away and leave me alone.

I firmly believe if it came in a box, wrapped with a bow and a card that said Happy Birthday, it’s a gift.   If he feels that he needs the money that badly, let him sell one of the numerous watches or electronics I had bought him over the years.  It was ridiculous – and why that ring?

Not happy, Scott replied “Well, we will just see about that after I speak with your attorney. Good luck on paying your attorney fees!”  He knew I didn’t have any money of my own, that all our finances were held jointly.  And, he was making sure that I didn’t have access to those funds. Threats and more threats filling me with worry and fear.  Exactly what he wanted.

It took me hours to fall back asleep after he stomped away. Damn him for making me worry, not to mention scaring the hell out of me in a deep sleep. I had the ring on, thank goodness, and I was scared he would try and rip it off my finger.  I bet he had gone through my jewelry already looking for it. After that night’s incident, I wouldn’t put it past Scott to take anything of mine worth value.

Once again, we later learned that day Scott had sold additional E*TRADE stocks and changed the statement mailing address to that of his work office. That way I wouldn’t see his selling/moving of our funds. This also was in violation of both the MRO and MSQ orders.

Gaslighting – Emotional Manipulative Tactic #1

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Like a stubborn child stomping his feet, having just returned from his ‘business trip’ Scott flatly refuses now to move his belongings into the guest bedroom or basement.  Not only that, he claims to never have agreed to sleep in the guest bedroom.  Nevermind our conference call with our marriage counselor and the half-dozen messages where Scott states he would move his belongings before I returned home. The guest bedroom is part of a walk-out basement with full-sized windows, a walk-in closet, and a full bathroom.  It’s larger than most apartments.  We live in a 6,500 square foot home, with a 2,500 square foot finished basement.  Scott refused to respect my boundaries. He has to have control. Always. With utter disregard for my privacy and the original agreement, Scott stated “It’s my home, my bedroom, and I have the right to come in any time I want.” Looking back I should have had that printed on a t-shirt for him, having heard it more times than I could count over the course of the divorce. So much for an amicable and peaceful divorce.

Then to add insult to injury while in bed that night, I couldn’t believe it when I heard Scott picking the lock on my bedroom door!  Frightened I quickly hit the recording button on my phone.  Scott nonchalantly entered and walked to the bed in his boxers and wife-beater t-shirt. To my shock, he climbed into my bed while I was still in it! He put his ear plugs in and blindfold on and proclaimed “It’s your turn to sleep in the basement.” Then he rolled over and turned off the light.  The Supreme Being had banished me to the basement — and so I went like a good, obedient girl.

 As I laid there in the guest bedroom bed I thought “If that’s how he’s going to act, the war over the master bedroom is on!”  What is his problem? It is pragmatic that I sleep upstairs in the master bedroom. Scott travels a significant amount of time.  I am the primary caretaker of the kids, waking them up in the morning and getting them ready and off to school every day.  Plus, that was our agreement with our therapist during our conference call when I was at the hospital in Florida with my father.  Of that I was certain — I’m not crazy or delusional. I can’t believe Scott now claims that conversation never took place. I thought to myself, “Who’s the crazy one now?”  I was so frustrated and sick of all of Scott’s games already.  I needed help, and a new attorney. 

Emotional Manipulation #1 – Gaslighting   

“Gaslighting” was one of Scott’s strongest manipulation tactics.  Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt oneself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.  Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or an extreme exaggeration of the truth.  The term is derived from the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by forcing her to question herself and her sense of reality.  When someone is gaslighted, the narcissist will tell you, “That didn’t happen.  You imagined it.  You’re crazy. You’re delusional.”  In a nutshell, the narcissist will lie and that instills doubt.  Scott now proclaiming that he never agreed to reside in the guest bedroom during the divorce was a perfect example.  It’s easy to see how powerful this can be, as it allows the abuser to deflect all focus from their own actions and shift it to something completely irrelevant. Or, Scott would twist it so I would doubt my perceptions of what really happened time and time again.

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Staging #1 – Sabotage

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 January – Time to Go Home   

I did as much for my father as I could.  I’d found a surgeon who agreed to do surgery in two weeks.  In the meantime, I’d hired a nurse to assist my father daily. The kids were now back in school after the Christmas break and Scott was back at work.  I couldn’t avoid it any longer, it was time to go home.

Scott assured me through texts that he would remove his things from the master bedroom before I returned home. We had agreed with our marriage counselor during our conference call that day I was at the hospital in Florida that he would remain in the home during the divorce (to my chagrin), and that he would reside in the guest bedroom.   I was still very apprehensive if we could both live in the marital home during the divorce.  Scott was still continuing to send me horrible texts messages, claiming what a terrible wife and mother I was.  I’m not sure what he was trying to gain by doing so?  His threats that he would destroy me if I ever left him, still echoed through my mind.  I’d hoped they were just that, threats.  Why would Scott want to destroy me?  I was a faithful, loving and supporting wife.  I gave up my career to support his and gave him three amazing children.  

Home

My first night home I was disappointed to find that all of Scott’s crap was still in the master bedroom.  He failed to move his things to the guest bedroom as he had promised. I ventured out of my bedroom to grab a bite to eat.  That’s when Scott asked to speak with me regarding our decision to divorce. Reluctantly I agreed, accepting the fact that I couldn’t put it off any longer.

 “Do you still want a divorce?” Scott asked, with tears in his eyes. He stated “I haven’t hired an attorney yet. It’s not too late to change our minds.” He seemed so sincere.

With a lump in my throat, I replied, “Yes, I want a divorce and I’ve started the paperwork.” Scott pleaded that I reconsider our divorce – almost a half-hearted last-ditch effort.  He finally conceded when he saw that I had made up my mind. 

Scott then asked “Oh by the way, can I have your attorney’s name and contact information?  Once I hire an attorney of my own we can have them work out the details. No need to bring the children or work into this.”  Thinking nothing of it, I shared my attorney’s contact and firm information with Scott. (Big Mistake.) Relieved to have that conversation done, I headed to bed.  

Little did I know that Scott had already found out I was filing for divorce from my friend’s husband, and he had hired a high-priced combative attorney out of Detroit.  Each time Scott’s attorney appeared in court, it cost more than $3,000 just for the drive time, paid with our joint account.  And there were many, many court appearances ahead.

Sabotage – Staging #1

Scott lied.  It was all an act.  Scott hired an attorney previously and tricked me into giving him my attorney’s name and contact information.  With that knowledge, he’d hired her firm for his company. That’s when my attorney called and claimed that, due to a conflict of interests, she could no longer represent me. Catherine pulled my filing for divorce.  

I was furious knowing it had to be Scott’s undoing.   It was too much of a coincidence. Catherine had been my attorney on retainer since 2014.  I had signed and submitted my filing for divorce more than a week prior, thinking it was entered into the court system.  To Scott, this was a game he had to win at any cost.  Scott sabotaged my relationship with my attorney and filed himself.  (I was able to verify Scott lied later when reviewing our finances and saw that he had hired and paid his attorney from Detroit 3 days prior.)

Narcissistic Injury

Now Scott becomes the Plaintiff, and would proclaim at every opportunity to anyone who would listen that he is divorcing me in the months to follow. It is all about his ego.  The termination of a relationship represents rejection and abandonment; two things the narcissist fears most.  Narcissists have a deep, inner fear of abandonment and will not make it easy for one to have any type of amicable break-up.  They suffer from what Sigmund Freud calls “narcissistic injury.”  Since the day I left on our anniversary and throughout the months to follow Scott would accuse me of abandoning the family over and over.

Over the following year during our divorce, Scott staged more than 30 events changing the course of our divorce through lies and deceit; making me look like I was crazy and/or attempted to put me in jail.  Sabotaging my attorney #1 was just the beginning.  Amicable?  LOL