Devalue: To reduce or underestimate the worth or importance of.
In my research I found that there’s a common pattern the Narcissist abuse follows. It’s a dizzying whirlwind or “crazy wheel” that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round of emotional vertigo for those caught in such relationships.
In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist or a person affected by a personality disorder, one may describe the initial infatuation stage as the “honeymoon stage.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or more. Targets of narcissistic abuse report feeling as if they have found their soulmate and can’t believe their good fortune that this seductive lover has elevated them to soaring heights upon a pedestal. Idealization or “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother the target with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and essentially, idealization as the most special person ever.
Just when they’ve realed you in, the devaluing starts. Even if you’re perfect, they will find something to nitpick about you because doing so devalues you and lowers your self-esteem. Eventually, there’s a threshold of self-esteem where you begin viewing your abuser as your savior and the best thing to ever happen to you, and this is their constant aim – to keep you below that threshold (check out Stockholm Syndrome).
The ultimate goal for the narcissistic psychopath is power and control over you. They do this because they are secretly afraid you will leave/abandon them – a narcissist greatest fear. When your self-esteem is low enough, you will then eventually fear to lose your abuser even if they were the one who put you down there. Your self-esteem takes such a beating, you feel you won’t be able to do any better; you don’t feel attractive so you might as well stay.
During my marriage it came to a point where I was terrified to leave and start my life over, having such low self-esteem and an even lower self-image. If my husband wasn’t demeaning my intelligence, it was about my physical appearance and weight always making me feel inadequate. Nothing was good enough. Nothing I did was acceptable. I could go on here for pages…..
Once I found the courage to leave, faced with the reality that my life depended on it, I was then catapulted into the discard phase. To say our year of divorce was acrimonious is an understatement. Even now, to this day three years later he continues to make my life a living hell, while using our children as weapons.
(Sorry to digress here….)
I’m convinced, not only in my own personal experiences but also with other women from my divorced wives group and various narcissist support groups online, that it’s nearly impossible to co-parent with a narcissistic psychopath. Hating to be a Debbie Downer, but I’ve heard so many stories with so many women having had the same experiences. A narcissistic psychopath will NEVER take accountability for their actions. A narcissist only thinks of themselves and will use the children as a means of control and contact. It’s a game, one that a narcissist must WIN, no matter the costs. Ok, so I’m done ranting here…… So how does one move on and survive?
Survival
Survivors can heal and move forward with the help of psychotherapy and by sharing their story with others through various support groups online. By narrating one’s story and resolving the trauma of the emotional abuse, sharing the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of that emotional abuse.
I found this to be true in my case. By sharing my story and learning about the narcissistic emotional manipulative tactics was a huge awakening – like a veil being lifted. It wasn’t me. I did everything I could to save our marriage. In fact, I survived 30 years with a narcissist! More importantly, through my research and in speaking my truth with others who had been down the same path I eventually learned to forgive myself and move forward. Give me a medal and pat me on the back!
My advice to those reading my blog who have found themselves in similar shoes…… Hold on to that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit who will guide you. As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” It’s time to break those chains that bound you to those negative and devaluing tactics. Slowly, over time, armed with knowledge of the various emotional manipulative tactics, survivors can understand the relationship cycle they endured and move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the crazy wheel of emotional abuse and be just fine.
Believe in yourself!
Year of Thorns 
Before I delve into the reason I am seeking your expertise let me first say that having read your posts I can’t help but proffer my admiration for the bravery and insight you possess and have shown as well as my gratitude for allowing access to your story in the hopes it helps others. I am here to confirm that it has and for which you have my sincere thanks.
So, I will get right to it then. I live with someone, although we are not married and no longer physically involved. This person is extremely verbally abusive and has also been physically abusive on several occasions; however, the verbal abuse is much more frequent. I will do my best to describe some examples of what transpires to paint a clear picture of the circumstances compelling me to write this comment/reply. For starters, she will often attack my intellect, even though I have a BBA, MBA, and JD. She attacks my physical appearance and will even weaponize my relationships with my family or my daughter, supposedly speaking for them to hurt me. Primarily, it involves a lot of demeaning name-calling using very vulgar words like the ‘c’ word, ‘fa’ word, etc. She also tells me that she wishes I was dead (or would die), as well as threatening to stab me herself. I will concede that I don’t truly fear for my life but naturally am disturbed by the mere mention of such things. She also goes on about how her biggest mistake is allowing me to be a part of her life or something to that effect. She is also very controlling and will often treat me disrespectfully in front of others. She may tell me something, and if I give my opinion, it often incites rage for some reason, even if my opinion is supportive and meant to help. She will tear into me and then tell me to shut up and leave her alone, closing off any response in what I can only theorize as her attempt to control even the discussion if you can call it that. Past issues are always brought up, and when I try to show her literature addressing the abuse and attempt to stop it, she only gets extremely agreeable and refuses to read a single word of it, despite having almost obtained a degree in psychology. She will admit that at times she is abusive, but she says that it is reactive abuse. By this, she means her abuse is a product of my abusing her, although I never call her names, physically touch her aggressively or in anger, or do any of the other forms of abuse I have already mentioned. I also treat her with respect in front of others, apologize when I am wrong, and thank her for the kind things she does. She never apologizes, and I am not exaggerating. When I do something for her, she doesn’t thank me but instead tells me that she didn’t ask me to do it if I point it out. I will say that she does seem to cool off rather quickly as if nothing happened, although the tension still seems present. It just isn’t addressed after a cooling-off period. Still, when it occurs, the cat even tries to hide from me because he is frightened by her aggressive behavior and shouting. This is ironic, as when we aren’t arguing, she is always scolding me for being too loud when I simply try to talk to her. It feels like she is always bringing up something I am doing that annoys her or needs to be corrected. I think it is motivated by a need to control, and I feel it likely ties into the abusive behavior, but I am hoping you can expand on the topic and shed more light on the motivations behind this tactic.
Please know I am not trying to imply I am perfect, and I am sure I frustrate her and could always handle things better, but what is occurring feels wrong, is demoralizing, and slowly breaks you down. I haven’t mentioned everything, but I feel this is enough to give you an idea of what is going on. I appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you.
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Thank you so much for your kind words and for your courage in sharing your experience. It means a great deal to know that my story has helped you feel seen—and I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone in this.
First and foremost, let me affirm this without hesitation: **what you are experiencing is abuse**. The verbal degradation, threats, manipulation, controlling behaviors, and emotional destabilization you describe are all hallmark tactics of psychological and emotional abuse. The fact that she has also been physically abusive confirms that this is not a dynamic you can “work through” with more empathy or effort on your part—because you are not the problem. Abuse is never the fault of the person being abused, no matter how much the abuser may insist otherwise.
The tactic of turning everything around on you—accusing *you* of being the abuser—is known as **DARVO** (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). It’s a way for someone to avoid accountability and maintain control by confusing the narrative. It’s deeply manipulative, and when repeated over time, it’s incredibly damaging to your self-worth and reality.
Her refusal to engage in any sort of healthy dialogue or self-reflection (despite her psychological background) is not a failure of intellect—it’s a **willful refusal to take responsibility**. Many narcissistic or emotionally abusive individuals are, ironically, very educated and articulate. Abuse is not a matter of intelligence. It’s a matter of character, patterns, and power.
Her tendency to lash out when you offer support, try to communicate respectfully, or set boundaries likely stems from **a need to control the dynamic** at all times. If you offer help, express your opinion, or even just exist in a way that doesn’t serve her emotional narrative, she may perceive it as a threat to her control—hence the rage. It’s not about logic. It’s about keeping you off-balance so you never feel safe enough to speak freely or know what version of her you’ll get. This is classic **emotional gaslighting**—a way of eroding your confidence, making you question your own perception of events, and keeping you tethered by fear, guilt, or hope that things might improve.
Also, the pattern you mentioned—where she explodes, then acts as if nothing happened—is a psychological abuse cycle called **”honeymooning”** or **”resetting.”** This intermittent reinforcement (kindness or calm after cruelty) is a powerful mechanism that creates trauma bonds—emotional connections that make it extremely difficult to leave.
Your instincts are right. This behavior *is* demoralizing. It *does* slowly break a person down. The way she talks to you, controls you, shames you, and shifts blame onto you isn’t just hurtful—it’s soul-eroding. It chips away at your sense of value, reality, and peace.
You deserve to live in a space where you are respected, valued, and safe. Period.
You’ve already taken the first and hardest step by recognizing that something is deeply wrong. My advice, from both personal experience and professional understanding, is to begin emotionally detaching and seeking an exit plan. Whether that means moving out, ending the relationship, or reaching out for support from a therapist, domestic violence counselor, or even a trusted friend—**start somewhere**. No one deserves to live in fear or feel like they’re walking on eggshells in their own home.
Please feel free to reach out again. I’m here, and I see you. You’re not crazy. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not overreacting. You’re waking up—and that’s incredibly brave.
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