Tag: believe

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #16 – Devaluing

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Devalue: To reduce or underestimate the worth or importance of.

In my research I found that there’s a common pattern the Narcissist abuse follows. It’s a dizzying whirlwind or “crazy wheel” that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round of emotional vertigo for those caught in such relationships.

In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist or a person affected by a personality disorder, one may describe the initial infatuation stage as the “honeymoon stage.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or more. Targets of narcissistic abuse report feeling as if they have found their soulmate and can’t believe their good fortune that this seductive lover has elevated them to soaring heights upon a pedestal. Idealization or “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother the target with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and essentially, idealization as the most special person ever.

Just when they’ve realed you in, the devaluing starts. Even if you’re perfect, they will find something to nitpick about you because doing so devalues you and lowers your self-esteem. Eventually, there’s a threshold of self-esteem where you begin viewing your abuser as your savior and the best thing to ever happen to you, and this is their constant aim – to keep you below that threshold (check out Stockholm Syndrome).

The ultimate goal for the narcissistic psychopath is power and control over you. They do this because they are secretly afraid you will leave/abandon them – a narcissist greatest fear. When your self-esteem is low enough, you will then eventually fear to lose your abuser even if they were the one who put you down there. Your self-esteem takes such a beating, you feel you won’t be able to do any better; you don’t feel attractive so you might as well stay.

During my marriage it came to a point where I was terrified to leave and start my life over, having such low self-esteem and an even lower self-image. If my husband wasn’t demeaning my intelligence, it was about my physical appearance and weight always making me feel inadequate. Nothing was good enough. Nothing I did was acceptable. I could go on here for pages…..

Once I found the courage to leave, faced with the reality that my life depended on it, I was then catapulted into the discard phase. To say our year of divorce was acrimonious is an understatement. Even now, to this day three years later he continues to make my life a living hell, while using our children as weapons.

(Sorry to digress here….)

I’m convinced, not only in my own personal experiences but also with other women from my divorced wives group and various narcissist support groups online, that it’s nearly impossible to co-parent with a narcissistic psychopath. Hating to be a Debbie Downer, but I’ve heard so many stories with so many women having had the same experiences. A narcissistic psychopath will NEVER take accountability for their actions. A narcissist only thinks of themselves and will use the children as a means of control and contact. It’s a game, one that a narcissist must WIN, no matter the costs. Ok, so I’m done ranting here…… So how does one move on and survive?

Survival

Survivors can heal and move forward with the help of psychotherapy and by sharing their story with others through various support groups online. By narrating one’s story and resolving the trauma of the emotional abuse, sharing the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of that emotional abuse.

I found this to be true in my case. By sharing my story and learning about the narcissistic emotional manipulative tactics was a huge awakening – like a veil being lifted. It wasn’t me. I did everything I could to save our marriage. In fact, I survived 30 years with a narcissist! More importantly, through my research and in speaking my truth with others who had been down the same path I eventually learned to forgive myself and move forward. Give me a medal and pat me on the back!

My advice to those reading my blog who have found themselves in similar shoes…… Hold on to that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit who will guide you. As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” It’s time to break those chains that bound you to those negative and devaluing tactics. Slowly, over time, armed with knowledge of the various emotional manipulative tactics, survivors can understand the relationship cycle they endured and move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the crazy wheel of emotional abuse and be just fine.

Believe in yourself!

Listen to Your Inner Voice

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woman standing on seashore

Photo by Artem Bali on Pexels.com

Within each of us, there are numerous voices often that compete for our attention. It can be difficult to decide which one to listen to, particularly when their messages are all quite different, sometimes conflicting, and even alluring. One voice, however, is the speaker of truth. Among all your inner voices, your true inner voice is the one which encourages you, gives you hope, and pushes you to trust and believe in yourself. Conflict within oneself is often caused by dueling voices inside of each one of us. As we move through life, we get mixed messages from the various aspects of ourselves. Some of our voices, such as the naysayer or saboteur, can speak so loudly that they drown out the voice of truth. Listening to your true inner voice  often the voice of understanding, support, and self-assurance – can help lessen and even resolve internal conflict. 

If you’re looking toward the future but your faith in your ability to succeed in life is wavering, you will benefit from finding and listening to your true inner voice. You can connect with it by remaining relaxed and alert, while listening carefully. If you have trouble distinguishing your true voice from the others, meditation may be helpful. You may hear many voices as you meditate, but the one you should pay attention to is the one that speaks to you with love, understanding, and compassion. It will bolster your spirits and urge you to go after your dreams. And it will never cause confusion, remind you of past mistakes, or cause you to doubt yourself. 

The more you listen to and believe in what your true inner voice is telling you about your value and your potential, the stronger that voice will become. And the more you disregard the voices that can interfere with your resolve to succeed, the quieter those voices will become. Saying no to the voices that are judgmental and make you feel ashamed will help you stop being critical of your failures and afraid of success. By finding and strengthening your true inner voice, you will be able to ignore internal conflict and pick out the one that speaks the truth.

“The longer you listen to and believe your true inner voice, the stronger it will become.” Daily OM

Why stay in a relationship that is toxic?

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Why Did I Stay? 

Why did I stay despite everything?  Many of us get into unhealthy situations because our partners held up a facade. I felt I had met my soul mate — that one special person in the universe just for me. It’s no surprise that I fell in love with someone like that! Scott once seemed perfect, but once I was married the relationship changed slowly over time due to children being born, job changes, and other major life changes.  Eventually I began to see a completely different side of him.  It was clear that I had married Dr. Jekyll and was living with Mr. Hyde, or the Supreme Being. The person who once seemed perfect became an angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical narcissistic psychopath.  Sure there were warning signs from the very beginning, but I was in love and felt an obligation to stay. Plus the sex was off the charts.

For most people in abusive relationships, we carry around with us internal obligations that tend to make us want to stay in the relationship. One being the feeling of love for our partner. These feelings can persist and be very strong even when our partner doesn’t give or show us love in return.  We stay because of the few crumbs fed to us along the way with words of affirmation and/or actions along the way.  Like a carrot dangling at the end of a rope.  The second is a feeling of responsibility and obligation to our partner, our family, and even others beyond that. Our disordered partners often work hard to build up this feeling of obligation, hoping it will keep us locked in despite the way they mistreat us. 

I also stayed because of the way Scott’s manipulative behavior effected how I viewed myself.  He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed Scott to keep his control over me.  Scott projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through Scott’s ruses.  I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions.  I allowed Scott’s behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for good reason.  When I did stand up to Scott, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically.  I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries. 

 Scott started the negative comments and hammered them home until I believed it entirely. When you start to feel so low and worthless, you genuinely believe that they are your best option. You believe that no one else will ever love or accept you because that’s what they’ve conditioned you to think – even friends won’t accept you. Because of that, you fear the thought of being alone (one of my greatest fears).  You think no one else will fill the gap in your heart that has been pried wide open with manipulation and malicious criticism. You fear that all the insults and criticisms were true. I let harsh words and his poisoned opinions rule my thinking. 

Alienation was also a major factor why I didn’t leave. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I just couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently it was easy for Scott to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves.  We relied solely on Scott’s income. My career was long gone.  I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe.  

The rest was fear, plain and simple.  Fear of the unknown and Scott’s continuous threats I’d heard so often:  if I ever left, he would leave me with nothing and ruin my relationship with the children.  Scott did exactly that.  But I did survive, and I hope that our children will one day come to understand his illness and forgive me for staying as long as I did in a toxic relationship that ultimately dragged them into the middle. 

We often stay in abusive relationships for reasons that are healthy, even though the situation isn’t.  Scott projected his insecurities as a detached parent onto me making me question my sanity and parenting abilities, the very thing that mattered to me the most. Then there was my internal conflict to keep the family unit intact for the children.  But soon I realized while my vows were pulling me in one direction, the need to care for myself and my children in the other direction had to be my priority. I had to save myself and my spirit if I was going to take care of our children, stopping this dysfunctional modeling, hoping they would learn what a healthy relationship is eventually. 

When we think about making major changes in our lives, our thoughts naturally go to the world around us. We not only want to do what is right in principle; we also want to do what others will approve of. I guess one of the things that surprised me most in my educational journey was how strong this feeling was for me. I was always a people pleaser, needing validation and social acceptance. I hated being alone. I was really carrying around a strong feeling that an awful lot of people would judge what I did, especially living in such a small community. Even writing my book/blog, I worried what others may think knowing what happened behind the closed doors of our seemingly perfect Facebook life. 

I felt shame and embarrassment; I never thought I would get divorced, no matter what Scott did to me.  I had to work hard to get a handle on this. In reality, people didn’t really care. The negative judgment from others really isn’t there. The thought that I am a good mother because I kept my family unit intact needed to be set aside, replaced with thoughts that are centered in more basic ideas. “I am a good mother” because I care about my children. Now I have the courage and ability to hopefully be a role model to my children. I want them to also be free from their father’s manipulation to truthfully assess the goodness of their lives. I am a “good person” because I love and care for myself, my children, and for others.  

It’s time to believe.

Believe . . .

To accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth.  

Hold (something) as an opinion; think or suppose.  

Believe in yourself, your intuition, your courage, your strength, your future.

 

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