Emotional Manipulation Tactic #16 – Devaluing

July 20, 2020July 20, 2020Leave a comment

Devalue: To reduce or underestimate the worth or importance of.

In my research I found that there’s a common pattern the Narcissist abuse follows. It’s a dizzying whirlwind or “crazy wheel” that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round of emotional vertigo for those caught in such relationships.

In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist or a person affected by a personality disorder, one may describe the initial infatuation stage as the “honeymoon stage.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or more. Targets of narcissistic abuse report feeling as if they have found their soulmate and can’t believe their good fortune that this seductive lover has elevated them to soaring heights upon a pedestal. Idealization or “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother the target with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and essentially, idealization as the most special person ever.

Just when they’ve realed you in, the devaluing starts. Even if you’re perfect, they will find something to nitpick about you because doing so devalues you and lowers your self-esteem. Eventually, there’s a threshold of self-esteem where you begin viewing your abuser as your savior and the best thing to ever happen to you, and this is their constant aim – to keep you below that threshold (check out Stockholm Syndrome).

The ultimate goal for the narcissistic psychopath is power and control over you. They do this because they are secretly afraid you will leave/abandon them – a narcissist greatest fear. When your self-esteem is low enough, you will then eventually fear to lose your abuser even if they were the one who put you down there. Your self-esteem takes such a beating, you feel you won’t be able to do any better; you don’t feel attractive so you might as well stay.

During my marriage it came to a point where I was terrified to leave and start my life over, having such low self-esteem and an even lower self-image. If my husband wasn’t demeaning my intelligence, it was about my physical appearance and weight always making me feel inadequate. Nothing was good enough. Nothing I did was acceptable. I could go on here for pages…..

Once I found the courage to leave, faced with the reality that my life depended on it, I was then catapulted into the discard phase. To say our year of divorce was acrimonious is an understatement. Even now, to this day three years later he continues to make my life a living hell, while using our children as weapons.

(Sorry to digress here….)

I’m convinced, not only in my own personal experiences but also with other women from my divorced wives group and various narcissist support groups online, that it’s nearly impossible to co-parent with a narcissistic psychopath. Hating to be a Debbie Downer, but I’ve heard so many stories with so many women having had the same experiences. A narcissistic psychopath will NEVER take accountability for their actions. A narcissist only thinks of themselves and will use the children as a means of control and contact. It’s a game, one that a narcissist must WIN, no matter the costs. Ok, so I’m done ranting here…… So how does one move on and survive?

Survival

Survivors can heal and move forward with the help of psychotherapy and by sharing their story with others through various support groups online. By narrating one’s story and resolving the trauma of the emotional abuse, sharing the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of that emotional abuse.

I found this to be true in my case. By sharing my story and learning about the narcissistic emotional manipulative tactics was a huge awakening – like a veil being lifted. It wasn’t me. I did everything I could to save our marriage. In fact, I survived 30 years with a narcissist! More importantly, through my research and in speaking my truth with others who had been down the same path I eventually learned to forgive myself and move forward. Give me a medal and pat me on the back!

My advice to those reading my blog who have found themselves in similar shoes…… Hold on to that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit who will guide you. As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” It’s time to break those chains that bound you to those negative and devaluing tactics. Slowly, over time, armed with knowledge of the various emotional manipulative tactics, survivors can understand the relationship cycle they endured and move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the crazy wheel of emotional abuse and be just fine.

Believe in yourself!

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #15 – Trivializing

May 17, 2020May 26, 2020Leave a comment

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Emotional Manipulation #15 – Trivializing

The abuser trivializes any problem or issue you have into something small and essentially tells you that your problem isn’t a problem. Instead of rightfully and gracefully acknowledging your point and hurt feelings, they will tell you that you’re wrong, and your opinion is wrong and more important, they aren’t at fault for anything. They don’t have to own up to anything they’ve done wrong if they can convince you that you are the wrong one, or you are making a big deal out of nothing. This is manipulation at its finest and leads you to feel dramatic and unworthy of your abuser. Perfect for them – they win on all fronts.

I recall one night while sitting around the dinner table, our daughter asked me to be a judge for her upcoming Distributive Education Club of America (DECA) competition, as I used to be the President of our club in High School.

“I’d love to,” I said. I was so excited that the school and my daughter had invited me to be a part of the competition.

Scott laughed. “You don’t know anything about working having not been an integral part of the workforce in years.” He continued, “You’re not qualified to be a judge for a dog contest, yet alone a high school competition!”

After the children left the kitchen, I told Scott that his comments hurt me profoundly and embarrassed me in front of our children.

Scott just continued to laugh, saying “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

You see, my opinions didn’t matter. Neither did my feelings.

Scott would relish in telling our friends embarrassing stories about me that he thought were hysterical. When I would express my feelings were hurt or that I was extremely embarrassed, Scott would trivialize it stating, “Come on, it was funny. You’re being too sensitive.”

The same applied when I would question Scott’s flirting and promiscuous behaviors. On more than one occasion I noticed what was obviously finger nail like scratches on his back. According to him I was just acting jealous, delusional, and/or making a big deal out of nothing. How dare I even question his fidelity! They were just scratches from the weight bench. ( Yeah right!)

Unfortunately, most of the time when a narcissist trivializes your feelings they are acting in a hypocritical way. A narcissist, simply put, is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Most importantly, narcissists are slow to believe they are “wrong” (if they ever do at all), don’t listen well to others’ opinions, and believe their way is the right one—the only way. If you put narcissism and hypocrisy together, you get a marriage made for one another.

So what can you do when a narcissist trivializes your feelings?

Determine what’s most important to you. Not what your parents told you, not what your boss says is true, not what your friends care about, but rather, what matters to you and OWN IT.
Examine where you are in alignment with what you care about and where you need to make modifications. Don’t judge yourself, don’t berate yourself, just notice the misalignment and figure out what to do to bring your thoughts and actions more closely together. Don’t argue, don’t engage as much as possible the narcissist.
Refrain from telling others what to say, do and believe. The biggest hypocrites/narcissist tend to be the ones who believe they know what’s right for everyone but themselves. The next time you catch yourself about to tell the narcissist what is right or wrong for them, just stop. They won’t listen. They will just project back onto you.
Spend quiet time. Meditation is not for everyone, but in a world with a constant barrage of information, opportunities for reading nasty posts or posting them yourself, are not a good idea. Finding personal space can be very healing. Take a walk—without the cell phone or earbuds. Stand outdoors and listen to the air. Go into a quiet place in your home and simply sit. Find ways to give yourself space to just be.
Focus on you. It’s very freeing to stop trying to fix or change others and to focus on what you are doing. If you put your energy into watching your own actions and reactions, and carefully choosing the words you use, you will cease having interest in what others are doing. The hypocrites will run merrily on their way, but you won’t be hooked by them. Jump off that crazy wheel!

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #12 – Fear

April 1, 20201 Comment

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Fear can be paralyzing, especially when we are stepping into the unknown. It’s one thing to think about making changes in your life (divorce). Or even deciding to make changes (to leave). But the real kicker comes when it’s time actually to make those changes happen (to move out). And that, my friend, is where all of us run smack into fear. It can be totally paralyzng. The Narcissist FEED on that fear, making you believe that you can’t make it on your own, that you’re not worthy. Then there’s the fear of what if’s. Can I make a living? How long will the divorce process take? Is it best for the children? Can I afford the fight? You can bet your last dollar that the narcissist will threaten to take away the children, threaten to leave you with nothing and tell you that no one will ever love you again.

He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed him to keep his control over me. He projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through his ruses. I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions. I allowed his behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for a good reason. When I did stand up to him, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically. I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries.

I was also afraid of being alone, pure and simple. Alienation was a significant factor why I stayed as long as I did. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently is was easy for him to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves. We relied solely on his income. My career was long gone. I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe. How would I support myself and my children?

His controlling and abusive behavior didn’t end when I finally found the courage to leave. In fact, it got worse. Much worse. I had no money of my own, and for the sake of the children, I was forced to stay in the marital home during the divorce process when he refused to leave. I suffered through stalking, verbal and physical violence, hidden cameras, and flamboyant and unpunished violations of court orders. I lived in a House of Horrors and was imprisoned in a dungeon built by his malice

With the help of his greedy and unscrupulous lawyer, he coldly and masterfully orchestrated devastating attacks designed to make me look crazy and violent in attempts to get custody of the kids he hardly even knew. The police were called to our home (10) times during our year of divorce. He lied, cheated, and stole. He staged more than (33) events and recorded them as false “evidence”. He dragged me into a maelstrom of Machiavellian schemes designed to isolate me from everything I had known and loved.

But to his chagrin, I survived – thrived once free from his control! Once I determined to knock those walls down, everything started to focus into a plan, albeit slowly testing my patience. I chose to jump out of that pot of boiling water and began to take control of my life. Yes, MY life – not his, not our kids, but MINE. By eliminating the ignorance of the “what ifs” and fear of the unknown, I began to eliminate the anguish allowing myself to make my own choices, move forward one battle at a time and change my life, piece by piece.

Once I accepted that fact and that I deserved better, then I could begin my road to recovery, feeding my spirit that so desperately wanted to be happy. I changed my thinking process entirely, working diligently to “Let Go” all those evil thoughts and memories that were conditioned in me, allowing me to accept MY truth and MY reality. I wasn’t crazy! I’m an amazing mother, and I did the best I could. No regrets. Move forward.

Hopefully readers, through my journey, learn a few things about the divorce process and that the only winners in this game were the attorneys. But I did win in some ways. By understanding my light bulb moment, I overcame my fear of leaving my invisible prison; I realized that I was abused by the person I loved, who truly didn’t love me back. He wasn’t capable o loving me as a person; he only loved what I could do for him.

To this day, he continues to threaten me – to sue me over my Blog. Once again, his perception is that the world (and my blog) are all about him. However, according to the Judge during one of our numerous court hearings (three years later still continuing), that I have the constitutional right to tell my story, my truth.

And so I write, not to defame or disparage. I choose to share my experiences to inspire others how to break free of an abusive partner while learning to identify common manipulative tactics of the narcissistic type and how to deal with them.

It’s so crucial for women to speak their truth, which is the most powerful tool. By sharing my journey through my Year of Thorns, I hope inspires others like me to stand up to the injustice, bullies, and tyrants, who made us victims. Abuse in all forms is wrong.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, get out. It’s not healthy for you or the children. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER! For those out there who are depressed or scared in a toxic relationship and fearful of the unknown, know there’s hope at the end of the rainbow, even in the worst of times. Hold onto that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit, who will guide you.

Slowly over time, you will began to identify their emotional manipulative tactics. YOU will learn not to engage or accept those devaluing messages thrown your way. As long as you stay true to yourself, your beliefs and all that you hold to be true in your heart, YOU will find power in your passion. YOU will be victorious, independent and free no longer harnessed by fear or control!

In Steve Maraboli’s Unapologetically You, he writes “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, you are here and now with the power to shape your day and your future. You only get one life.”

As you gain clarity about who you truly are, not by how others define you, you can become who you are meant to be. As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want. You become what you believe.” Believe in yourself.

Emotional Manipulation #5 – Guilt Trip

December 4, 2018Leave a comment

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Narcissists are able to manipulate others so well because they are continually on the lookout for our vulnerabilities. Once they hone in on what’s important to you, they will use those things against us. Some examples of vulnerabilities might be our children, any self-esteem issues or insecurities we might have (weight, appearance, etc.), or fears – such as being alone or threats of violating court orders and finances in my case. Money was a major issue during our divorce.

The narcissistic psychopath will place a guilt trip on you when they want you to do something for them. They will make note of all the sacrifices they have made for you, the gestures they have made for you, and any minuscule compliment they have paid you. Your actions should be in recognition and repayment of those things. And when you refuse to comply or pay up, they claim it is your fault, with no other choice available but to comply and wield to their wishes.

It’s all your fault. Somehow in someway, his cheating, lying, and other bad behavior is also your fault. Perhaps he’s telling you that you needed to be home more, or to spend more time with him, lose weight, gain weight, dress sexier, dress less sexy–whatever. According to him, his behavior is your fault. (This is the classic, “Look at what you made me do.”)

I can remember one perfect example where my narcissistic partner used guilt as his weapon of choice to get me to wield to his will. We were living in the same house during our divorce. Regardless of our agreement that we would each have our own separate bedrooms; he hated losing that one piece of control over me. He would constantly pick my bedroom lock breaking in, insisting it was HIS house, HIS room, and HE should have access to my bedroom anytime HE wished. So after numerous times of my privacy being invaded, I had hired a locksmith and installed a pick-proof lock.

I had planned to get away for a few days, leaving for the weekend. Prior to my departure, my narcissistic partner insisted that I leave my bedroom door unlocked, providing him full access. Using guilt as an emotional tactic he stated, “If you don’t leave the door open when you leave, I will call a locksmith and personally charge you the $300 that it cost to open it.” He was going to charge me for HIS breaking into my bedroom!

He knew I was concerned about the finances. His spending was out of control. Yet, every minute of every day he was claiming that I was the one violating the court’s status quo order, holding threats of motions over me. Pouncing on my vulnerability and fears, I fell for his guilt trip hook, line and sinker. I welded to his wishes and left my door unlocked. He had guilted me into thinking it was my fault he had to hire a locksmith to break into my personal bedroom!

He also tried many times after that to punish me using guilt where our children were concerned. After various court appearances, regardless of his illegal activities and high priced attorney, it was my fault he was spending so much money on our divorce. Then telling our son he could no longer afford to help with his rent one week before it was due because it was my fault.

The same day we signed our settlement agreement, after much negotiation, he stated “I hope you’re happy, I can’t afford to support our children’s education because of you.” When I wouldn’t agree to his demands, he followed through on his threats telling the children all their college funds were gone because again it was apparently all my fault.

Deep down I knew it wasn’t true, but he had hit below the belt where it hurt most – our kids. And he would continue to do so over the months that followed, trying to guilt me especially where our children were concerned. He stayed true to his threats over the years, that if I ever left he would leave me with nothing, and turn my own children against me. He certainly tried. Alienation and disparagement are also common tactics the narcissist commonly use.

Once you learn these manipulative tactics, they’re easy to spot. However, not always easy to control your way of responding to those actions that have been conditioned over the years. Especially when they prey upon your fears and vulnerabilities. Stay true to what you know – what you feel is your truth. And as I quote Disney’s Elsa “Let it go” as best you can. You’re not crazy or delusional. You have a right to your own opinions, beliefs and integrity. Believe in yourself.

Emotional Manipulation #4 – Setting Smoke Screens

October 3, 2018Leave a comment

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Narcissist throw a smoke screen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic. Narcissist don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable. If you really want to talk about the issue that’s bothering you, you’ll have to continually try to get back to the subject at hand, which is difficult in the first place. And then of course there’s the fear of their reaction.

When I confronted the narcissist about anything, he would change the subject or make everything seem like a joke. On one occasion during our divorce, after his constant invasions of my personal space I asked him, “Why do you keep breaking into my room and going through my personal files?”

The Narcissist replied, “You’re the one that abandoned the family,” completely changing the subject in attempt to shift the blame. If I complained about his neglectful parenting, he would point out a mistake or event that happened years ago. Somehow he would turn the tables on me.

When I asked the narcissist about his non-status quo purchases during our divorce, he replied, “Why don’t you get a job so you can pay for all your drinking with your new boyfriend.” I wasn’t out drinking and I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time. It was frustrating to say the least. But over time I began to learn and recognize the pattern and his smoke screens. It’s not me. I’m not crazy.

I also learned there’s no arguing with the silver tongued devil. I would never win, nor would I ever get the answers to my questions through his smoke and mirrors.

Dear Narcissist’s Future/New Girlfriend

September 24, 2018September 25, 2018Leave a comment

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Dear Future Girlfriend,

I am truly sorry for your loss. Right now, everything is great as you’re in the honeymoon phase. But soon his veneer will slip, and you will be under his control. Whatever view you had of yourself before you met him, imagine a shadow and a husk of that. Whatever strengths and talents you imagined yourself possessing before you met him, shatter them all and start over from scratch. Your confidence and self-esteem will hit rock bottom because of the way you will be treated and manipulated. You will lose yourself. When he tells you that he loves you, he really means:

He loves knowing that through gaslighting, and other mind-game tactics, he can make you question your own memory, perception and sanity.

He loves the power he has to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few words of affirmation your way. He loves watching how quickly he talks you into trusting him when he turns on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, “this time, he will change” He loves that he can make you feel he’s doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way.

He loves enabling his self-serving behavior through verbal abuse and relishes how easy it is to diminish and manipulate you. He loves the power to take advantage of your kindness and the pleasure he derives when he makes himself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to devalue you with harsh words making you feel small and insignificant.

He loves how easy it is to throw a smokescreen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic. He loves to get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from him, making you repeat yourself.

He loves having you to project onto deflecting all the issues about his own actions by shifting the focus onto something irrelevant. He loves knowing how effective his tactics have been to keep you in pain when you keep telling him how much he hurt you.

He loves that you are there to blame, making you feel guilty to accomplish his goals and desires.

He loves deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel special and worthwhile with his harsh words and snide comments. He loves to exert his charisma and charm highlighting his positive attributes all the while devaluing yours.

He loves that he can isolate you through a smear campaign, keeping you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; He loves making you mistrust them and that no one likes you.

He loves being the center of your universe, regardless of how he mistreats you. He loves alienating you, draining the energy from your life at risk of losing more and more of what you most value and hold dear.

He loves fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, controlling your mind, so that you think of him as your Supreme Being. He loves being in control of you like an addiction.

He loves how skillfully he manipulates others’ opinions of you through third party reinforcements, getting them to side with him as the “good” guy or “good” parent.

He loves how he can use his power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining and defending yourself while projecting his own insecurities onto you.

He loves you so much he will become obsessed with you, stalking your every move, always afraid you might abandon him.

He loves making you fearful, keeping you in your place.

He loves the way he feels when he’s with you. Due to how often he hates and look down on others in general, mirroring feelings of self-loathing.

He loves to dismiss and punish accordingly with judgement and shame until you learn your “lesson,” and to take your place as a voiceless object, a possession

to serve his pleasure. He loves using you as a punching bag, to make himself feel good by making you feel bad about yourself or that you deserved it.

When he says he loves you, he actually loves trivializing what he did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time he spent engaged with you or the children.

He loves taunting and provoking you, over everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share to keep you on the crazy wheel, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself with his altered reality tactics. He loves to ride the crazy wheel.

He loves the way he feels when you are with him, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property he owns. He loves the extent to which you enhance his status in the eyes of others. He loves thinking others are jealous of his possessions.

He loves that he can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women.

He loves you because, due to the self-loathing he carries inside, he needs someone who won’t abandon him. Meanwhile he will be seeking comfort in others’ arms.

He loves the power he has over you and the feeling he gets from winning the game, regardless of the effects in has on you or the family.

Wishing you all the best,

The Ex – wife, mother, survivor

Words of Affirmation – Emotional Manipulative Tactic #2

August 29, 2018September 12, 2019Leave a comment

ring

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #2 – Words of Affirmation

“Words of Affirmation” are just what you want to hear from your significant other – that they love you, how important you are to them, they are sorry, and how they will never hurt you again. The only thing is – you never hear these things from them unless you are extremely upset and threatening to walk away. Or when they feel the need to exert their power over you in some way. It could be when you’ve reached your boiling point, like a frog about to jump out of the pot, but these words of affirmation are what your abuser knows will get you to stop being angry and stay. Unfortunately, this probably isn’t a true feeling of love or respect for you. It’s just giving you what you want to hear (or gifts) to calm you down – that’s appeasement, not love.

After Scott’s last physical attack in October, I threatened to leave. Scott then claimed to have an epiphany, that he would change and do whatever it took. He bought me Hallmark cards of affirmation daily and wrote me letters stating how much he loved me and was sorry for all that he’d done in the past. (Looking back I think he was just buying time, hoping I wouldn’t press charges or file a PPO – Personal Protection Order.)

Upon returning from my birthday cruise (that he went on without me), Scott presented me with a beautiful platinum 5 diamond ring stating, “Happy Birthday. I love you with all my heart and I want to make (US) work. It was the nicest piece of jewelry he ever gave me. But his words didn’t sound sincere, even then. So Scott was making this grand gesture at the time trying to save our marriage by buying me gifts and showering me with words of affirmation. “I will change and do whatever it takes” he proclaimed. That lasted about a month, if that.

January Journal Continued . . .

I awoke to Scott shaking my shoulder. I bolted upward and asked with my heart pounding a million beats per second. “What do you want now?” indignant that he had picked the lock, again. Sleep was becoming difficult. I never knew when he would ‘pick’ the lock and let himself into my bedroom. My bedroom had become my invisible prison. It was the only place I felt somewhat safe. But was it? After all, according to Scott it was HIS house, HIS room and HE could enter anytime HE felt like it with no regards to my wishes, privacy or our agreement; which apparently never took place. I was crazy and delusional.

Standing over me in the dark Scott clamored “Where’s the ring I gave you for your birthday? I need it back!”

“What? It was a gift. I’m not giving it back to you” I said, refusing his demands, pulling the sheets up trying to protect myself (and hide the ring I had on).

In the most patronizing voice Scott could muster, he demanded, “I need it back so that I can pay attorney fees!” He said, angrily shouting at me, now holding out his hand expecting me to comply.

Groggily I actually laughed with disgust upon hearing this. Rolling over, turning my back to him I replied, “Nope. Sorry” hoping that he would go away and leave me alone.

I firmly believe if it came in a box, wrapped with a bow and a card that said Happy Birthday, it’s a gift. If he feels that he needs the money that badly, let him sell one of the numerous watches or electronics I had bought him over the years. It was ridiculous – and why that ring?

Not happy, Scott replied “Well, we will just see about that after I speak with your attorney. Good luck on paying your attorney fees!” He knew I didn’t have any money of my own, that all our finances were held jointly. And, he was making sure that I didn’t have access to those funds. Threats and more threats filling me with worry and fear. Exactly what he wanted.

It took me hours to fall back asleep after he stomped away. Damn him for making me worry, not to mention scaring the hell out of me in a deep sleep. I had the ring on, thank goodness, and I was scared he would try and rip it off my finger. I bet he had gone through my jewelry already looking for it. After that night’s incident, I wouldn’t put it past Scott to take anything of mine worth value.

Once again, we later learned that day Scott had sold additional E*TRADE stocks and changed the statement mailing address to that of his work office. That way I wouldn’t see his selling/moving of our funds. This also was in violation of both the MRO and MSQ orders.

Gaslighting – Emotional Manipulative Tactic #1

August 26, 2018August 27, 2018Leave a comment

Like a stubborn child stomping his feet, having just returned from his ‘business trip’ Scott flatly refuses now to move his belongings into the guest bedroom or basement. Not only that, he claims to never have agreed to sleep in the guest bedroom. Nevermind our conference call with our marriage counselor and the half-dozen messages where Scott states he would move his belongings before I returned home. The guest bedroom is part of a walk-out basement with full-sized windows, a walk-in closet, and a full bathroom. It’s larger than most apartments. We live in a 6,500 square foot home, with a 2,500 square foot finished basement. Scott refused to respect my boundaries. He has to have control. Always. With utter disregard for my privacy and the original agreement, Scott stated “It’s my home, my bedroom, and I have the right to come in any time I want.” Looking back I should have had that printed on a t-shirt for him, having heard it more times than I could count over the course of the divorce. So much for an amicable and peaceful divorce.

Then to add insult to injury while in bed that night, I couldn’t believe it when I heard Scott picking the lock on my bedroom door! Frightened I quickly hit the recording button on my phone. Scott nonchalantly entered and walked to the bed in his boxers and wife-beater t-shirt. To my shock, he climbed into my bed while I was still in it! He put his ear plugs in and blindfold on and proclaimed “It’s your turn to sleep in the basement.” Then he rolled over and turned off the light. The Supreme Being had banished me to the basement — and so I went like a good, obedient girl.

As I laid there in the guest bedroom bed I thought “If that’s how he’s going to act, the war over the master bedroom is on!” What is his problem? It is pragmatic that I sleep upstairs in the master bedroom. Scott travels a significant amount of time. I am the primary caretaker of the kids, waking them up in the morning and getting them ready and off to school every day. Plus, that was our agreement with our therapist during our conference call when I was at the hospital in Florida with my father. Of that I was certain — I’m not crazy or delusional. I can’t believe Scott now claims that conversation never took place. I thought to myself, “Who’s the crazy one now?” I was so frustrated and sick of all of Scott’s games already. I needed help, and a new attorney.

Emotional Manipulation #1 – Gaslighting

“Gaslighting” was one of Scott’s strongest manipulation tactics. Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt oneself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or an extreme exaggeration of the truth. The term is derived from the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by forcing her to question herself and her sense of reality. When someone is gaslighted, the narcissist will tell you, “That didn’t happen. You imagined it. You’re crazy. You’re delusional.” In a nutshell, the narcissist will lie and that instills doubt. Scott now proclaiming that he never agreed to reside in the guest bedroom during the divorce was a perfect example. It’s easy to see how powerful this can be, as it allows the abuser to deflect all focus from their own actions and shift it to something completely irrelevant. Or, Scott would twist it so I would doubt my perceptions of what really happened time and time again.

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Year of Thorns

What to expect when divorcing a narcissist

Tag: emotional manipulative tactic