Emotional Manipulation #8 – Control

For the narcissistic psychopath, it’s all about control. It is the underlying core for all their behaviors. Why are narcissist control freaks? They need to control others’ behaviors to maintain their self-esteem and protect their vulnerable selves.   Toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can.  They isolate you by maintaining control over your finances and social networks.  They isolate and manipulate your friends, family, and social circles (alienation).  The narcissist micromanages every facet of your life, toying with your emotions in the process.  And, when they lose that control they attack, starting a smear campaign and stalking your every move.

It was evident from the very beginning that our divorce wasn’t going to be amicable like he repeatedly proclaimed so often.  My first taste of the extent that he would go to for control during our divorce started in the very beginning. He sabotaged my attorney and my initial filing for divorce then became the plaintiff. He then proclaimed he was the one divorcing me calling the shots throughout the divorce process.  It was a game that he had to win no matter the costs — financially; how it affected the children, even losing his job in the process.

He tried to control the finances, cutting me off proclaiming it was his money.  He refused to pay bills and attorney fees even though all of our accounts were joint.  He even went so far as to break the very Mutual Restraining Order violating his own Order to maintain the status quo, selling off E*Trade stocks, forging my signature and hiding thousands upon thousands of dollars in cash and going on a vacation and spending rampage.

Next was the fight over our master bedroom.  Forced to live in the same home, he continuously broke into the master bedroom which was to be my personal space, spending more than a thousand dollars on locksmith fees in the process. Even with an agreement in place that he would reside in the guestroom in the lower level,  the rules didn’t apply to him.  According to him, it was HIS house, HIS money, HIS bedroom and he had the right to access it anytime he wanted.  He controlled the house, and I had no safe place or privacy of my own.

When I shut down his access to my accounts, social media, etc. he went ballistic.  Going so far as to spending hundreds of dollars subscribing to people search engines. He accessed my files on our home computer and stole my IPAD.   It wasn’t until 6 months into the divorce I’d learned that he had also been illegally accessing my email accounts monitoring my every step and correspondences with my attorney.  He broke into my car repeatedly, even stealing my journal and files.  Again, it was HIS car, HIS house.  There were no boundaries he wouldn’t cross. The rules didn’t apply to him. He controlled it all.

When A Narcissist Loses Control:

When a narcissist loses control they will start a smear campaign.  They will do everything in their power to put you down, demean you, destroy your reputation to other people. Especially the persons that you have in common with them. They will utilize any piece of private information that they have about you and twist the truth into something that will make you look as though you’re horrible. They are masters at masking the smear campaign and talking about you as if they are in ‘concern’ for you. They do this to feed on other people’s compassion, and that’s how they rope others into their well thought out plans to try to destroy your reputation.

They will stalk you.  When we finally had a parenting schedule in place, for the first time in my life I had freedom.  Freedom to go and do whatever I wanted without having to get approval from him or a third-degree upon my return.    He went crazy, not knowing where I was or who I was with.  He couldn’t control where I went, but he went so far as to tracking and stalking my every movement.

How to deal with a Narcissist’s need for control:

So, what can you do?  Rule #1 with a narcissistic psychopath – Don’t engage.  They know what buttons to push, making it extremely difficult not to engage or react — which is exactly what they want. They will not take NO for an answer. They will try to do what they can to hold control over you, because they do not accept that you will not allow them to control you. Because they are diluted in the mind, they will stop at nothing to insert themselves where they don’t belong. Whether they show up at your job, interfere with your dating life, show up at your home unannounced, and share your personal and financial information with others.  They will stop at nothing to be in your life no matter how much you have pushed them out and said NO to them.

#2 Disconnect – Block the abuser from all your social media.  Block their calls and emails. Be private.  Don’t share information with mutual friends.  Be smart.  Change passwords, get a new email account.  Go on Stealth mode with your life.

Being free, truly free, is liberating, titillating and scary all at once.  You’ve been used to being micromanaged – your every moved supervised, directed.  Stay true to your inner voice and spirit.   They will guide you. Take the power and control into your own hands.  It’s your life.  Live it how you want to now.  The world is your oyster.

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