Tag: marriage

Trust: Is It Earned… or Lost?

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Recently, something small happened that made me think about trust in a whole new way. I’m close with a couple friends who are in a brand-new relationship. They’re already living together, doing life side-by-side, making plans like a “we.” And then one of them wanted to take a girls’ vacation with me—two women, friends, having fun… a cruise, some sunshine, laughter, a little freedom.

Simple, right?

But I could feel something underneath it. Not spoken. Not dramatic. Just… a tension. Like one of them was okay with the trip, but not really okay. Like trust was being negotiated instead of assumed. Like “permission” was disguised as “communication.” And it made me pause, because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like when trust becomes a measurement instead of a foundation.

And it made me ask the question I’ve been turning over ever since:

Is trust something you earn… or something you lose once it’s freely given?

The Way I Used to Think About Trust

If I’m committing to you—emotionally, spiritually, physically—then I’m giving you my trust up front.

Not blindly. Not foolishly. But intentionally.

I’m saying:
“I’m choosing you. I believe in you. I’m not going to start us off like you’re guilty until proven innocent.”

To me, love without trust is just anxiety wearing a pretty dress.

So for years, I lived like this:

Trust is a gift. It’s yours to lose.

And honestly? I still believe that’s how healthy love starts.

But Then I Think About My Marriage…

And I have to sit with a harder truth:

Maybe I was too trusting.

I know now my husband cheated on me repeatedly. And I didn’t just “find out later.” There were signs. There were moments. There were things I questioned—scratch marks, missing time, stories that didn’t add up. Even my children noticed things that didn’t make sense. And every time I brought it up, there was an explanation.

A smooth one. A confident one. A believable one—if you wanted to believe it.

And the truth is… I did want to believe it.

Because the alternative was unbearable.

The alternative was admitting that the person I built my life around—my home, my family, my future—was lying to my face.

So why did I put up with it?

Why did I accept explanations my gut didn’t buy?

Why did I doubt myself instead of doubting the story?

Here’s the answer I keep coming back to:

Because I wanted love to be real.
Because I wanted my marriage to be safe.
Because I wanted my children to have the family I promised them.
Because hope can be stronger than evidence—until it breaks you.

And for many of us who have loved a narcissistic or emotionally manipulative partner, trust becomes more than trust.

It becomes a weapon used against you.

Trust vs. Blind Faith

This is the part we don’t talk about enough:

Trust isn’t supposed to require you to abandon yourself.

Real trust is not you swallowing your instincts.
It’s not you making excuses for someone else’s behavior.
It’s not you “being the bigger person” while you’re shrinking inside.

Trust and blind faith are not the same thing.

Blind faith says:
“I’ll believe you no matter what you show me.”

Trust says:
“I believe you… and I pay attention.”

Trust doesn’t mean you ignore red flags.
Trust means you notice them—and you address them with clarity, not fear.

So… Is Trust Earned or Freely Given?

I think the real answer is:

Both.

Trust is offered in the beginning—because love needs room to grow.
And trust is earned over time—because character is revealed through patterns.

In healthy relationships, it looks like this:

  • You start with openness, not suspicion.
  • You build security through consistency.
  • You repair quickly when something cracks.
  • You don’t punish each other with control.
  • You don’t demand “proof” of loyalty like a prison guard.

And in unhealthy relationships, it looks like this:

  • Trust is treated like a currency—used to manipulate.
  • Freedom is labeled “disrespect.”
  • Boundaries are interpreted as betrayal.
  • Jealousy is dressed up as love.
  • You start explaining yourself like you’re on trial.

What Do You Do When Trust Feels Shaky?

If trust feels shaky in a relationship—new or long-term—here are a few truths I wish someone had told me sooner:

1) Trust should never require isolation.
If someone tries to cut you off from friends, experiences, or joy… that isn’t love. That’s control.

2) Trust is built through behavior, not promises.
Words are easy. Patterns tell the truth.

3) Your nervous system knows before your brain admits it.
If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, explaining, proving, shrinking… listen to that.

4) A trustworthy partner doesn’t fear your freedom.
They don’t need to monitor you. They don’t need to “approve” your life. They don’t need to be convinced you’re loyal—they trust what you’ve shown them.

5) If someone has past wounds, the work is healing—not policing.
Your partner can share their insecurities, but it’s not your job to live smaller so they can feel bigger.

The Lesson I’m Learning Now

Here’s where I’ve landed:

I still want to be a woman who trusts.

Not because people always deserve it—but because I refuse to let betrayal turn me into someone who leads with fear.

But I’m also a woman who trusts wisely now.

I no longer confuse “giving trust” with “ignoring truth.”
I no longer mistake love for loyalty to my own suffering.
And I no longer stay in situations that require me to betray myself to keep someone else comfortable.

Trust is not just something you give to someone else.

Trust is also something you give to you.

To your instincts.
To your boundaries.
To your knowing.
To the part of you that whispered the truth… even when you weren’t ready to hear it.

A Question to Leave You With

If you’ve ever been betrayed, lied to, manipulated, or gaslit—this might be the most powerful question you can ask:

What would my life look like if I trusted myself as much as I tried to trust them?

Because healing isn’t just learning to trust again.

Healing is learning who deserves access to your heart—and who doesn’t.

Retrieving Sanity Podcast: Life After Narcissistic Marriage with Kimber Foster

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Recently, I was a guest on the Retrieving Sanity Podcast, and one of the things we talked about was a term that comes up often in narcissistic dynamics: DARVO. I wanted to share it here because once you know what it is, you start to see it—and it can help you make sense of conversations that leave you feeling confused, guilty, or like you’re the one on trial.

DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

  • Deny: “That didn’t happen,” “You’re exaggerating,” “You’re making things up.”
  • Attack: Criticizes or discredits the person speaking up: “You’re crazy,” “You’re the problem,” “You’re always starting drama.”
  • Reverse Victim and Offender: Flips the roles so they appear like the victim and you become the “offender”: “I can’t believe you’d accuse me,” “You’re hurting me,” “I’m the one being attacked.”

In simple terms, DARVO is a way someone avoids accountability by denying what happened, attacking the person who speaks up, and then turning the tables so they look like the victim.

Link to the episode: https://www.youtube.com/live/U5c8U88G1VQ?si=fc37lmg0l6eJWeZG

Why Family Matters: A Christmas Wish for Love and Peace

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At Christmas, I like to pause and look at what truly matters.

And no matter what our story has been, I will always be grateful for this: that together we brought three incredible human beings into the world. They are my greatest joy, my proudest legacy, and the best parts of my life.

There were seasons when our roles looked different. While you worked hard to provide, I was given the gift of being the constant at home—hands-on, present, and all-in. I was there for the first breaths, first steps, first days of school, fevers, tears, tooth fairy nights, teacher conferences, practices, performances, and the thousand quiet moments that don’t make it into photos, but make up a childhood.

I don’t take that gift lightly. It shaped me. It shaped them. And it gave me a lifetime of memories I will never stop treasuring.

Today, I’m also grateful that our children still get to share experiences together and build memories that connect them as siblings. That matters. Family matters. And I will always want a life for them that feels full, supported, and loved.

So this is my Christmas wish: peace, health, and a softening of the hard edges for all of us. May our kids always know they are deeply loved. May they carry the best forward. And may this season remind us that gratitude doesn’t erase the past—it simply makes room for hope.

Merry Christmas.

Healing Misunderstandings: A Mother’s Perspective

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Recently, I listened to my daughter’s podcast and heard her describe me as an “emotionally unattached parent.”

Those words landed like a punch to the gut.

Not because I think I was a perfect mother—no such thing exists—but because everything in my heart, my memories, and my lived reality says I was the exact opposite.

The Mother I Know I Was

I was the mom who showed up.

I was at the doctor’s appointments, dentist visits, sports practices, games, school events, and plays. I read bedtime stories, tucked her in, and whispered “you are so loved” more times than I can count. I called her my sunshine because she truly lit up every room she walked into, and my world revolved around making sure she knew that. I was essentially a single parent.

While her father focused on his career and traveled most of the time, I gave up mine to fill in the gaps to be two parents in one—emotional anchor, cheerleader, driver, tutor, advocate, and safe place. I was juggling not just her needs, but also her brother’s challenges and the weight of an abusive marriage I stayed in far too long because I believed keeping the family “together” was what the kids needed.

Was I tired? Absolutely. Overwhelmed? Often. But emotionally detached? No. If anything, I was hyper attached—tuned in, over-functioning, and constantly trying to fill in all the gaps.

When Love Starts Looking Like Limits

My daughter also shared how she “lost herself” because we moved a lot. I don’t dismiss that experience. Moving is hard on kids and teenagers. They leave friends, routines, and familiarity behind. Their grief is real.

At the same time, I remember those moves differently. I remember doing everything I could to make each new place feel like home. I remember the opportunities—great schools, new cultures, safe neighborhoods, travel experiences that many kids never get. I remember saying yes to activities and sports and adventures because I wanted her world to feel big, not small.

And then came the teenage years.

Like many teens, she went down a darker path—partying, drugs, and men who did not deserve her. That was when my role as “fun, cozy mom” had to shift. Love had to become boundaries. Curfews. Rules. Consequences. Hard conversations. Tears on both sides.

From the outside—or years later on a podcast—those years might look like “emotional disconnection.” From my side, it was the hardest, most courageous kind of love: stepping in, saying no, and refusing to watch my child self-destruct without intervening. I was doing my job – and well!

I was not abandoning her. I was fighting for her.

The Narcissist in the Middle

There’s another piece to this story that matters: I wasn’t co-parenting with a healthy partner. I was co-parenting with a man who has spent years rewriting reality, painting himself as the victim, and casting me as the “crazy, unstable, bad mom.” We were never on the same page; co-parenting.

During and after the divorce, he weaponized the kids’ love and loyalty. He has told them his version of events again and again—the one where I’m the problem, I’m the drama, I’m the unstable one. He knew my greatest fear has always been losing my relationship with my children, and openly threatened to ruin that bond.

That is the hallmark of narcissistic abuse: not just hurting you directly, but slowly eroding how others see you, especially your own children. Little digs. Half-truths. Stories told just skewed enough that you look like the villain.

And the painful part is this: I can see ways it’s working.

When my daughter sits behind a microphone and tells the world I was emotionally unattached, a part of me hears his voice coming out of her mouth. The same labels. The same distortions. The same rewriting of history where he’s the hero, and I’m the failure.

I don’t blame her for all of that. She was raised in the same fog I lived in for years. When you grow up around a narcissist, their story feels like the truth. Questioning it can feel like betrayal. It’s easier to side with the parent who seems powerful, successful, and certain than the one who’s been struggling, emotional, or broken open.

But just because a story is told with confidence doesn’t make it true.

Two Stories, One Past

What hurts the most isn’t just the label—it’s hearing our shared history told like a one-dimensional story where I’m the villain or the ghost.

She speaks publicly about the instability, the moves, the divorce, and my supposed absence… while leaving out the part where I was representing myself in court to save money because her father burned most of it on legal fees. She leaves out the part where I stayed longer than I should have in a toxic marriage to keep some form of stability. She leaves out the nights I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about how to afford their activities, school, and life while my own needs went on the back burner.

I don’t say this to shame her. She is allowed to tell her story. She is allowed to have her feelings, her lens, her pain.

But I am allowed to have mine, too.

God knows my heart. He saw the nights I lay awake, wondering if I was enough. He saw the times I almost broke, but got back up for my kids. He saw the ways I kept showing up, even when I was broke and broken. He also saw the manipulation, the gaslighting, and the quiet campaign to turn my own children against me.

Grace, Boundaries, and the 3 Choices

My daughter likes to talk about the “3 C’s” and the power of choice. In my own words, I see it like this:

  1. Complain – Stay stuck in the pain and replay the same grievances.
  2. Compare/Condemn – Focus on what others didn’t do perfectly and stay in blame.
  3. Celebrate – Acknowledge the good, the gifts, the ways love did show up—even in imperfect circumstances.

She has chosen, at least for now, to tell the story through complaint and condemnation. I wish she could also see the other side: that she never went without, that she had opportunities many children only dream about, that she had a mother who loved her fiercely and would have taken a bullet for her—who almost did for her, in some ways.

I’ve extended grace to her more times than I can count. There were times her actions hurt me deeply. Times she didn’t show up for me when I desperately needed her. Times I felt abandoned, judged, or dismissed. I could have gone public with those stories. I could have dragged her name through the mud, too.

I chose not to.

That, to me, is what grace and forgiveness look like: seeing someone’s flaws, recognizing your pain, and still choosing not to humiliate them.

The Boundary I Have to Hold

Hearing myself spoken about so harshly and inaccurately on a public platform—and knowing there is a narcissistic narrative behind it—has forced me into yet another boundary lesson.

I have always believed that love is supporting and lifting one another up—not breaking each other down for content or applause.

I still love my daughter. I am still proud of the woman she is becoming. I still pray for her and cheer for her from my corner of the world. But I also have to protect my own heart now.

I am too fragile—and frankly, too seasoned in this life—to continue being a doormat or a punching bag, even for people I love.

So this is where my boundary lives:

  • You can tell your story.
  • But you cannot continue to publicly distort mine without expecting me to step back and protect myself.

Maybe one day, if and when she becomes a mother, she’ll understand the deep, quiet, relentless selflessness that parenting really is—the way you hand your heart to your children and hope they won’t stomp on it when they’re older and hurting.

To Other Moms Who Feel Misunderstood

If you’re reading this and you, too, have been painted as the “bad mom,” the “emotionally unavailable” one, or the “problem” in someone else’s story—especially after surviving narcissistic abuse—please hear me:

  • Your memories matter.
  • Your version of events matters.
  • Your love and sacrifice count, even if they’re never fully recognized.

You can love your child and still hold boundaries. You can want reconciliation and still refuse to be humiliated. You can practice grace and still honor your own healing.

I have always believed that real love means supporting and lifting one another up—not tearing each other down.

God knows your heart, too. And even in the middle of heartbreak and confusion, I believe He is still capable of writing redemption into our stories. I don’t know exactly how my relationship with my daughter will heal or when, but I choose to keep a small light of hope burning—that one day we’ll be able to look at each other with softer eyes, kinder words, and a deeper understanding of how much we have always loved each other, even when she couldn’t see it clearly.

Why Boundaries Still Feel So Hard (Post Divorce)

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You’d think that nearly eight years after divorcing a narcissist and rebuilding my life, I’d be a pro at boundaries.

I talk about them. I teach them. I write about the importance of saying no, of choosing yourself, of walking away from what hurts.

And yet, here I am—still struggling to stick up for myself. Still feeling that old familiar pull to “just go along,” to keep the peace, to be the easy one, the accommodating one, the people pleaser.

Recently, that pattern exploded in my face.

The Moment I Lost It

I was with a friend who kept pushing and pushing—antagonizing me, poking at sore spots, and refusing to let it go. You know that feeling when your nervous system starts buzzing, your chest tightens, and you know you should say, “Enough. Please stop”? (which I did ask over and over…..)

Instead, I did what I’ve done a thousand times before: I tried to stay calm, tried to be polite, tried to “handle it.”

Until I couldn’t.

I erupted. I shouted. All the swallowed words and the pushed-down feelings came out in one messy wave. I am not proud of how I reacted—but I am also human. I apologized.

And here’s the kicker: instead of accepting my apology, this person escalated. They instigated another argument. They kept going, saying more hurtful things, twisting the situation, making it all my fault.

That dynamic? Oh, I know it far too well.

Being married to a narcissist taught me exactly how that script goes.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard After Narcissistic Abuse

People on the outside might say, “You’re divorced now. It’s been years. Why is it still so hard for you to speak up?”

Because my nervous system doesn’t know it’s been eight years.

It remembers:

  • What happened when I did speak up.
  • The punishment for having needs.
  • The silent treatment, the rage, the gaslighting.
  • Being told I was “too sensitive,” “selfish,” “dramatic,” or “crazy.”

When you’ve lived with that long enough, your brain learns a simple survival rule:
Keeping the peace = staying safe.

So I became very good at:

  • Reading the room.
  • Anticipating what everyone else needed.
  • Avoiding conflict at all costs.
  • Sacrificing myself so no one else would explode.

That survival strategy has a name: people pleasing, or in trauma language, the fawn response. It’s what happens when fight or flight or freeze aren’t options—so you make yourself small, agreeable, and convenient.

Even after the narcissist is gone, the pattern often stays.

The Cost of “Going With the Flow”

Here’s the problem: when I keep “going with the flow,” I’m usually the one drowning.

I let the comments slide. I ignore the red flags. I downplay the knots in my stomach. I tell myself:

  • “It’s not worth the fight.”
  • “Don’t be dramatic.”
  • “Just let it go.”

But I’m not really letting it go. I’m swallowing it.

And all of that builds up inside me—until something small tips the scale and I snap. Then I walk away feeling ashamed of my reaction, while completely skipping over the hundred boundary violations that led up to it.

After a conflict, my heart hurts. My chest physically aches. I replay every word. I wonder if I overreacted, if I’m the problem, if I’m somehow broken.

That’s not just overthinking. That’s PTSD.

When Friends Trigger Old Wounds

The hardest part is when the hurt doesn’t come from a romantic partner—but from a friend.

I don’t get into arguments often. I really do try to forgive, move forward, and keep things light. But when something hits that old nerve—when I feel mocked, pushed, cornered, or intentionally antagonized—it links right back to those years of being married to a narcissist.

Suddenly it’s not just about this one argument.

It’s about:

  • Every time I was made to feel “crazy” for having a feeling.
  • Every time I apologized just to stop the fight.
  • Every time I wished someone would simply say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

So when this friend doubled down after I apologized—when they chose to keep hurting instead of healing—it stung in a very old, very deep place.

Part of me wants to be the bigger person, rise above, ignore their hurtful words and actions. But if I’m honest? That “ignore it” approach ends up eating me alive.

Boundaries Are Not Meanness

Here’s what I’m slowly, painfully learning:

  • Having boundaries doesn’t make me mean.
  • Saying “that hurt me” doesn’t make me dramatic.
  • Walking away from someone’s repeated disrespect doesn’t make me unforgiving.
  • Refusing to be antagonized is not overreacting.

It makes me healthy.

For people who were conditioned to be people pleasers, boundaries often feel like betrayal—of others, and even of our old identity.

We were praised for being “nice,” “flexible,” “easygoing.” No one clapped for us when we said, “That’s not okay with me.”

So today, instead of trying to be the “cool girl” who lets everything slide, I’m trying to become the woman who:

  • Notices the discomfort early, instead of waiting until she explodes.
  • Speaks up the first or second time, not the tenth.
  • Gives one sincere apology—but doesn’t chase people who weaponize her vulnerability.
  • Honors her feelings instead of gaslighting herself.

What I Want If You See Yourself in This

If you’re reading this and nodding along—if you, too, feel guilty every time you set a boundary—I want you to know:

You’re not weak because this is hard.
You are not “behind” because you’re still struggling years later.
You are unwinding years of programming that told you:

  • Everyone else comes first.
  • Your discomfort doesn’t matter.
  • Your role is to absorb other people’s moods.

That doesn’t disappear just because the divorce papers were signed.

Healing is not linear. Sometimes it shows up in ugly ways—like shouting at a friend and crying on the drive home, wondering how you got there.

But that eruption is also data.

It’s your body saying, “Something here is not okay for me. I’ve been trying to tell you.”

What I’m Working On Moving Forward

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still very much in this with you.

But here’s what I’m trying to practice now:

  • Micro-boundaries. Instead of waiting until I’m boiling, I’m learning to say, “Hey, that didn’t feel good,” when it’s still a simmer.
  • Checking safety. Not everyone is a safe person for deep vulnerability. If someone repeatedly mocks, dismisses, or antagonizes me, that’s not a “friendship problem”—it’s a values problem.
  • Owning my reaction, not their behavior. I can take responsibility for shouting without excusing the repeated poking that pushed me there.
  • Letting apologies be enough. I can apologize once sincerely. If someone uses that as an opening to attack me further, that tells me everything I need to know.
  • Honoring my nervous system. If my heart is racing, my chest is tight, and I feel that trauma response—that matters. My body is not lying to me.

One Last Thing

My heart hurts after conflict. I feel it physically. And when someone I care about chooses to wound instead of repair, it reopens old scars.

But perhaps the invitation in all of this is not to become harder—but to become clearer.

Clearer about what I will and won’t tolerate.
Clearer about who gets access to me.
Clearer about the fact that my peace is not up for debate.

I’m still learning. I still slip back into people-pleasing. I still sometimes stay quiet until I can’t anymore.

But eight years after divorcing a narcissist, here’s what I know for sure:

I am worth protecting.
My boundaries matter.
And loving myself means listening when my heart says, This is not okay.

If that’s where you are too, you’re not alone. We can learn this together—one boundary at a time.

Forgiveness and Moving On

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Today, an old friend called—a friend who was there at the very beginning of my relationship with my ex-husband. She knew about the divorce but not the full extent of the abuse and pain I endured. For some reason, I felt compelled to share just a small part of what I went through.

It left me wondering: am I fully healed? Have I truly forgiven? Or is the very act of speaking about it part of my ongoing healing journey? I’ve come to realize that sharing isn’t about reopening old wounds—it’s about making sense of the past so I can keep moving forward. Each time I speak my truth, I take another step away from the darkness and closer to freedom and joy.

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened or minimizing the pain. It’s about reclaiming my peace. And healing doesn’t happen in silence—it happens in connection, honesty, and hope.

For every person who reads this, know that your presence here brings me happiness and hope. Maybe my words are changing a life. Maybe you see me in a new light. Maybe something here resonates with your own story. This isn’t about him—it’s about me, about rising from depression, and about remembering how far I’ve come.

To anyone still walking through the valley: your pain doesn’t define you. Your future is brighter than your past. Forgiveness and healing are not single moments—they are journeys, and every step forward is a victory. 🌷✨

Prosperity in Breaking Free

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For years, I lived under the shadow of fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of failure. Fear of what would happen if I finally walked away from the control of a narcissist.


But fear is a liar. And God never created us to live in chains. He made us in His image—an image of freedom, peace, and abundance.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” — 2 Timothy 1:7

When I finally broke free, prosperity didn’t show up in my bank account. It showed up in my heart. I prospered in freedom. I prospered in peace. I prospered in finally discovering who I was apart from someone else’s control.

Provision is God meeting your needs. Prosperity is when your life begins to overflow with His presence so you can bless others. For me, that prosperity has been courage, healing, and a new identity rooted in Him.

Hope carried me for a time, but hope alone wasn’t enough. Hope looks to the future. Faith acts in the present.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” — Hebrews 11:1

Faith is trusting God more than you fear the unknown. It’s resting in the storm, knowing the One who commands the waves is in control.

The day I chose freedom, a new kind of prosperity began to unfold—not measured in dollars, but in peace, joy, and rediscovering myself. That’s what faith does. It turns survival into abundant life.

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”— John 10:10

🌸 Prosperity isn’t always about money. Sometimes it’s about reclaiming your soul. 🌸

Retaliation and Manipulation: When a Narcissistic Ex Uses Your Child to Get to You

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Retaliation and Manipulation: When a Narcissistic Ex Uses Your Child to Get to You

This fall, my son headed back for his junior year of college. For the third year in a row, I was pressured into fully furnishing his apartment.

What made this year different is that just before all this unfolded, I had reached out to my ex about his ongoing violations of our judgment of divorce — specifically his failure to meet certain financial obligations. Instead of addressing those issues, he retaliated. In retribution, he attacked me financially, pressuring me to assist our son far beyond what I could afford.

One of the most painful aspects of my experience was how the manipulation didn’t stop with my ex’s direct messages to me. He took it a step further initially by using his girlfriend to pressure my daughter, having her reach out and tell my daughter that I needed to “step up” as a mother. This was no accident or casual comment. It was a calculated tactic to drag my children into the conflict and use them as tools to control me emotionally and financially. By turning my children into messengers and pawns, he weaponized them to enforce his demands and deepen the pressure. This classic abusive strategy creates layers of guilt and confusion, making it harder for a mother to set boundaries without feeling she’s failing her children. Understanding this manipulation is key to breaking free from the cycle and protecting both yourself and your kids.

This time, I set a limit. My son had just had last minute shoulder surgery and, with only two weeks’ notice, they told me I needed to fly halfway across the country to help. As a Mother, there’s no place I’d rather be. However, the trip would have cost me thousands of dollars — money I simply didn’t have, especially while supporting our daughter who had recently moved in with me. So I gave my son a choice: I could visit and give him a helping hand for 2 days, (work and travel previously planned with our daughter commitment) or I could put some of that money toward his college expenses. Yet, they twisted both narratives, making it look like I was choosing to support my daughter over our son and that I didn’t care about his wellbeing. It’s an ugly tug of war meant to pull on a Mother’s heart strings.

Somehow, my ex twisted that into a promise to spend much more on his apartment. I’d already kindly offered to help financially with a set amount, and even that was more than I had planned to spend. When I refused to go beyond my limit, the conversation with my ex got ugly crossing all boundaries. I immediately shut it down, telling him I would no longer discuss it with him and would work it out directly with our son.

That’s when my son called me in tears, caught in the middle. I caved. This situation perfectly shows how a narcissist manipulates everyone to get his way. In this case, he wanted me to financially furnish our son’s apartment–something I never committed to and couldn’t afford. But, through guilt and pressure, he not only manipulated me, but also our son, daughter, and even his girlfriend, using them all as pawns.

The Hard Truth About Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

When you divorce a narcissist, the standard advice is: let go, go no-contact, don’t engage. But when you share children, total detachment is often impossible. The connection remains, and the narcissist will use it. One of their most painful tactics is weaponizing your children — using them as messengers, guilt-triggers, or bargaining chips.

How to Protect Yourself (and Your Children)

1. Recognize the Tactic
This is triangulation — bringing a third person into the conflict to exert control. When that third person is your child (and in this case, his girlfriend as well), it’s especially cruel. See it for what it is: manipulation.

2. Keep Your Boundaries Firm
Boundaries are not punishments — they’re acts of self-preservation. Once you set a limit, stick to it. It’s tempting to give in to make the discomfort stop, but each time you do, you teach the narcissist that pushing harder works.

3. Remove Your Child from the Middle
Tell your child calmly: “I know Dad is asking you to talk to me about this, but that’s between him and me. You don’t have to be in the middle.” Protect them from becoming the conduit for adult conflict.

4. Respond, Don’t React
If your ex is baiting you, slow down. Wait before responding. Sometimes, not replying at all is the most powerful move. “No” is a complete sentence.

5. Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t stop the narcissist from trying. You can choose not to play the game. Detach from the outcome and focus on your peace and your child’s emotional safety.

Final Thought

When they weaponize your child, their goal is to pull you back into the chaos. You can’t always prevent the attempts — but you can control your reaction. Hold your boundaries, speak with clarity, and keep your child out of the crossfire. Your sanity — and theirs — is worth protecting.

Every time I stand my ground, even if I stumble, I’m building strength. One step at a time. Believe in yourself.

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse: Why It Resembles the AA 12-Step Program More Than You Think

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When people hear the word recovery, they often think addiction — alcohol, drugs, gambling. Rarely do we connect it to relationships. Yet, anyone who has loved, lived with, or left a narcissist knows: reclaiming yourself after abuse requires a level of healing every bit as structured, layered, and courageous as the 12-step journey of Alcoholics Anonymous.

1. Acceptance of Reality

AA Step 1 begins with admitting the problem is real. Healing from narcissistic abuse begins the moment you finally accept this wasn’t love — it was manipulation. You surrender the fantasy, stop minimizing, and acknowledge the emotional harm that was done. Like I often say: what you’re not changing, you’re choosing. Acceptance becomes your moment of truth — and your doorway out.

2. You Can’t Do This Alone

AA members rely on sponsors and fellowship. Survivors of narcissistic abuse must also find support — therapists, best friends, faith, fellow survivors. Isolation keeps you stuck in the fog. Community brings clarity, strength… and hope.

3. Rebuilding a Sense of Self

Where AA seeks spiritual awakening, survivors seek self-awakening. After narcissistic abuse, you must rebuild who you are from the inside out. You rediscover your voice, passions, and worth. You begin to believe — in yourself again, and in God’s ability to restore what was broken.

4. Taking Inventory of the Damage

Step 4 in AA requires fearless self-inventory. Survivors similarly ask: Where did I abandon myself? What boundaries did I allow to be crossed… and why? This isn’t self-blame; it’s sacred awareness that leads to better boundaries — and better choices.

5. Making Amends — To Yourself

In AA, amends are made to those you’ve harmed. Survivors make amends to the person they harmed most: themselves. You forgive yourself for staying, for trying, for believing lies. You choose self-compassion over self-criticism.

6. Daily Maintenance (Because Triggers Are Real)

Healing isn’t linear — you may still crave them, miss them, dream of the good times. That’s the trauma bond, not love. Just like AA members need daily check-ins to stay sober, survivors need daily practices — prayer, gratitude, affirmations, exercise, therapy — to stay emotionally free.

7. Helping Others

AA teaches that helping others is the final step in healing. Survivors often feel a deep calling to help other women — to share their story, speak truth, shine light into the darkness. When your pain becomes your purpose, you know you’re free.

Believe — And Remember Why You Were Chosen for This Journey

Believe in yourself. Believe in God. Believe that you were brought into a narcissistic relationship not to destroy you, but to teach you, grow you, and awaken you. This was part of your soul curriculum — your time in the wilderness. And now? You’re walking back home to yourself.

Recovery isn’t a one-time decision — it’s a thousand brave choices, made one day at a time. But I promise you: if you keep choosing yourself, keep choosing truth, keep choosing God… freedom finds you.

Podcast: Spotting a Narcissist w/Kimber Foster: Digital Dating with Anonymous Andrew J. Polizzo,

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S04 E13

Jun 25, 2025

49:50

In this episode, Kimber Foster shares her personal journey of divorcing a narcissist and the challenges she faced during and after the process. She discusses the signs of narcissism, the importance of self-love, and offers practical advice for those in toxic relationships. Kimber also shares her experiences with dating after divorce, the difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist, and the significance of having a support system. Her insights aim to empower others who may be navigating similar situations.

I’m curious, how can YOU tell if someone is a Narcissist on a first date(s)?

https://rss.com/podcasts/anonymousandrew/2085238/

Podcast: Life-Changing Challengers, “Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – Kimber Foster’s Path to Empowerment.”

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Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – Kimber Foster’s Path to Empowerment

Podcast link: https://www.lifechangingchallengers.com/surviving-narcissistic-abuse-kimber-fosters-path-to-empowerment/

Kimber Foster shares her journey of surviving narcissistic abuse, finding healing, and empowering others with her book, The Year of Thorns.

Season 5

In this compelling episode of Life-Changing Challengers , host Brad Minus sits down with Kimber Foster, author of The Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist. Kimber opens up about her journey from an overachieving, people-pleasing child in Grand Rapids, Michigan, to enduring a toxic marriage characterized by narcissistic abuse, manipulation, and control.

After 27 years in a marriage with a narcissistic spouse, Kimber found herself emotionally broken, isolated, and fighting to regain her sense of self. Through her writing, coaching, and advocacy, she now empowers others to recognize red flags, break free from abusive relationships, and reclaim their lives. This episode is a raw, honest look at the insidious nature of narcissistic abuse and the strength it takes to rise above it.

Episode Highlights 

  • [2:00] – Kimber’s childhood as the youngest of three, growing up as an “oops” child in Michigan
  • [15:00] – Early red flags in her marriage and the gradual erosion of her self-worth
  • [30:00] – The isolation caused by constant moves and her husband’s control over their life and finances
  • [45:00] – Surviving emotional, verbal, and physical abuse and the realization she was married to a narcissist
  • [1:05:00] – The breaking point: a panic attack that forced her to face the reality of her situation
  • [1:20:00] – Writing The Year of Thorns and why sharing her story was a turning point in her healing
  • [1:35:00] – Kimber’s divorce checklist: A comprehensive guide for those preparing to leave a toxic relationship

Key Takeaways 

  1. Love Bombing Is a Red Flag – Narcissists often come on too strong too fast to create a false sense of connection.
  2. Narcissists Never Take Accountability – If someone constantly blames others and never admits fault, pay attention.
  3. Gaslighting Is Psychological Abuse – Making you doubt your reality is a classic tactic used to maintain control.
  4. Reclaiming Your Identity Takes Time – After years of manipulation, rediscovering your self-worth is a process.
  5. Resources Exist—You’re Not Alone – Kimber’s Divorce Checklist offers practical guidance for those ready to leave.

Links & Resources 

  • 📘 Book : The Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist – Buy on Amazon 
  • 🌐 Website : YearOfThorns.com – Access free resources including her Divorce Checklist , blogs, and coaching info
  • 📱 Connect with Kimber on Social Media :

If this episode resonated with you or someone you know, please share, subscribe, and leave a review . Kimber’s story is a testament that healing is possible.

Have an idea or feedback? Click here to share. 

Contact Brad @ Life Changing Challengers 
Instagram: @bradaminus 
Facebook: @bradaminus 
X(Twitter): @bradaminus 
YouTube: @lifechangingchallengers 
LifeChangingChallengers.com

Pleasure Principles Podcast: Life After Narcissism: Breaking Free and Rebuilding – Kimber Foster

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Kimber Foster’s voice trembles slightly as she recounts the moment she knew she had to escape her narcissistic marriage. “He told me he would destroy me, leave me with nothing, turn the kids against me…” It wasn’t just emotional survival at stake—her very sense of self had been systematically dismantled over years of psychological manipulation.

This powerful conversation dives deep into the mechanics of narcissistic abuse, examining the 17 distinct manipulation tactics Wendy identified through her own traumatic experience. From the initial “honeymoon phase” where narcissists morph into your perfect partner, to the gradual erosion of boundaries, self-worth, and reality itself, Kimber Foster walks us through the playbook used by these master manipulators. Her insights on gaslighting, projection, and isolation reveal how victims find themselves trapped on what she calls “the crazy wheel”—a disorienting cycle where you’re constantly questioning your own perceptions and worth.

The most valuable aspects of our discussion focus on the practical steps for breaking free, especially when children are involved. Kimber shares the divorce checklist she created (available as a free download through our show notes), which covers everything from financial preparation to establishing safe communication channels. Perhaps most importantly, she offers hope to those still trapped, emphasizing that healing isn’t just about escaping—it’s about rediscovering joy, pleasure, and a renewed sense of self after years of survival mode. “Don’t let fear hold you back,” she urges. “Believe and trust in yourself and move forward.” For anyone who has felt the suffocating control of a toxic relationship, this conversation serves as both validation and roadmap toward freedom.

Listen by clicking here:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2408840/episodes/16839311

Must Listen Episode: Murder, Blood & Psychopaths

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It was a pleasure to be a guest on Murder, Blood and Psychopaths Podcast – Episode 97. See link below to listen.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A Must-Listen Episode with Kimber Foster! Kimber Foster was an absolutely phenomenal guest on MBPodcast! Her firsthand account of marrying, divorcing, and still dealing with a narcissist was raw, eye-opening, and deeply impactful. She brought a rare mix of vulnerability and strength, offering not only her personal journey but also valuable insights and survival strategies for anyone navigating a toxic relationship. Her ability to articulate the emotional and psychological toll of narcissistic abuse while providing practical guidance made for an unforgettable episode. Kimber didn’t just share her story—she empowered listeners with the tools to recognize red flags, break free, and rebuild. If you or someone you know has ever dealt with a narcissist, this episode is a must-listen. We highly recommend her book A Year of Thorns and the invaluable resources she offers. Thank you, Kimber, for your courage and wisdom! 🔥👏 #Survival #Empowerment #NarcissisticAbuse #MBPodcasts

https://sites.libsyn.com/413645/site/episode-97-surviving-a-narcissists-grip-kimber-fosters-story

MBP (Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths): Episode 97: Surviving a Narcissist’s Grip: Kimber Foster’s Story

MBP (Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths): Episode 97: Surviving a Narcissist’s Grip: Kimber Foster’s StoryPodcast Title: Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths – Episode 97: Surviving a Narcissist’s Grip: Kimber Foster’s Story this gripping episode of Murder, Blood, and Psychopaths, we welcome Kimber Foster, author of A Year of Thorns: What to Expect

From Fear to Freedom: Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships with Kimber Foster

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In this compelling episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, host Avik Chakraborty sits down with Kimber Foster, author of A Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist. Kimber shares her inspiring journey of surviving and escaping a toxic 27-year marriage, offering raw and unfiltered insights into reclaiming identity, joy, and freedom. Together, they explore the emotional and psychological challenges of leaving a toxic relationship, the impact on mental health, and the courageous steps required to move forward. Whether you’re navigating a toxic relationship, recovering from its aftermath, or simply seeking stories of resilience, this episode provides valuable lessons and hope for building a healthier, more fulfilling future.

About the Guest Kimber is an author, advocate, and survivor whose story embodies resilience and healing. After enduring a 27-year toxic marriage and reclaiming her life, Kimber authored A Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist, a powerful guide for those escaping the grip of toxic relationships. With a mission to inspire and empower others, Kimber openly shares her journey to freedom, focusing on overcoming fear, rebuilding self-worth, and fostering personal growth.

Key Takeaways Recognizing Toxicity: Kimber likens her experience to the “boiling frog” analogy, highlighting how gradual exposure to toxicity can desensitize and trap individuals in unhealthy relationships. Why Leaving Feels Harder Than Staying: Fear of the unknown, fear of change, and fear of being alone are significant barriers to leaving a toxic relationship. Kimber emphasizes that staying is a choice to remain in the cycle of pain and suffering. Impact on Health: Living in a constant state of fear and stress takes a toll on physical and emotional health, creating a “fight or flight” cycle that stifles growth and well-being. The Courage to Break Free: Kimber advocates for pushing beyond the comfort zone, embracing courage, and stepping into the unknown to unlock personal freedom and potential. The Role of Resilience: Struggles and challenges can become a source of strength and growth. Kimber reminds listeners that adversity shapes and prepares us for a more empowered future. Empowering Others: Kimber’s journey serves as a beacon of hope for those trapped in toxic relationships, showing that healing, joy, and a new beginning are possible with courage and determination. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking inspiration and tools to reclaim their life and find freedom.

https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-gzsmf-108a023

https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-vyxyt-1763851

3 Key Tips to Break Free from a Toxic Relationship

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  1. Overcome Fear
  • What you’re not changing, you’re choosing. Every day you stay in a toxic relationship, you’re choosing to remain in a cycle of pain and suffering. You have the power to change that.
  • Fear is what keeps you stuck. The fear of the unknown, the fear of change, and even the fear of being alone can feel overwhelming, but they will keep you trapped in a situation that isn’t serving you. You cannot grow in an environment of constant fear.
  • You can’t become who you’re meant to be while living in fear. Breaking free requires courage, but it’s a step toward reclaiming your true self. You cannot evolve or heal if you are constantly in a state of survival.
  • Push beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. It might feel impossible, but the discomfort you feel now will be worth it when you’re living your life on your own terms. Change begins when you’re willing to face that fear head-on.
  • Be honest with yourself. The first step in breaking free is acknowledging the truth of your situation. Stop minimizing the toxic behaviors, and be real about what you’re enduring. The path to healing starts with self-honesty.

2. Be Prepared

  • Protect your finances and belongings. Secure important documents, set aside emergency funds, and take anything that matters to you. Preparation can make your escape easier when the time comes.
  • Know your legal rights. Consult a lawyer and get informed about your rights, especially if there are children, shared assets, or legal matters involved. This will give you the confidence to take action when you’re ready.
  • Have a safe place in mind. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or a shelter, know where you can go if things escalate. Having a backup plan ensures that you’re not caught off guard when you need to leave quickly.

3. Believe in Yourself

  • Trust your feelings. Toxic relationships often make you question your own reality, but your feelings are valid. You deserve clarity, peace, and a relationship that lifts you up, not tears you down.
  • You deserve kindness and happiness. You are worthy of love that respects and values you. Don’t settle for less. Break free and create the space for joy, healing, and positivity to enter your life.
  • You are strong. You’ve already shown incredible courage by considering breaking free. Trust your strength and keep going—each step you take brings you closer to a brighter, healthier future full of rainbows.

You are a survivor and a thriver—this experience has taught you invaluable lessons that will make you stronger, wiser, and more resilient. You have everything you need within you to break free, heal, and step into the life you truly deserve. The best is yet to come, and it’s yours for the taking.

What’s keeping you from taking that first step?

If I Could Speak to Myself from 10 Years Ago…

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Dear Younger Me,

I know you’re in a place right now where confusion and doubt are part of your daily life. You’re questioning yourself because the one person who is supposed to love you makes you feel like you’re crazy. But hear me when I say this, “You are not crazy. Your feelings deserve recognition, and your reality is valid.”

Breaking free from a toxic relationship, especially with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, is daunting, but it’s essential. You’re not losing your mind; you’re losing yourself in this destructive cycle. The manipulation, the gaslighting, the constant need to cater to someone who loves only what you can do for them, not you as a person—it’s taking its toll.

You need to know this earlier: he will never change. His love is conditional and transactional, bound by what he can gain, not by genuine affection or respect. Staying in this relationship, thinking it might be better for the children, is misleading. Children soak up their environments more than we realize. They are learning what a dysfunctional relationship looks like, potentially setting them up for similar patterns in their own lives.

It’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Setting boundaries will not make you a villain but rather a protector of your peace. Recognize that you deserve respect from your husband, as do all people who share their lives so intimately. It’s not selfish to want a life where you are seen and valued for who you are, not just what you provide or endure.

Reflecting on this, consider this your action plan:

  1. Acknowledge: Accept that your situation is not your fault. Acknowledging the reality without blame helps you reclaim your power.
  2. Set Boundaries: Practice saying no. No to behaviors that are hurtful, no to blame that isn’t yours, and yes to your autonomy.
  3. Prioritize Self-Care: Your well-being is crucial. Seek therapy, join support groups, do whatever it takes to build a safety net of care around yourself.
  4. Make the Tough Decisions: Know that leaving may be hard, but sometimes the hardest decisions are the ones that set us free.

I believe in your strength to break the cycle. You are resilient, and your life beyond this relationship is filled with peace and respect. Don’t allow fear to be your captor; let it fuel your strength and courage to change course.

With all the love and understanding that comes from hindsight,

Your Future Self

Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast – EMOTIONAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE EPISODE 454

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In this episode of Narcissist Apocalypse, Kimber shares her story of marrying an emotionally & physically abusive narcissist. When Kimber met her husband, they were both young and looking to make something of themselves. However, soon after they married, red flags began popping up everywhere. Kimber took her vows seriously and believed the lies of her husband when he said his rages and addictions would never happen again. But those were only words, and something worse was lurking beneath as Kimber had to endure years and years of emotional and physical abuse until she was finally able to break free.

It’s a story of belittling, rage, infidelity, intimidation, smashing property, gambling, isolation, control , guilt, double standards, verbal abuse, not being good enough, blame, financial abuse, gaslighting, Jekyl &Hyde, walking on eggshells, suicide attempts, physical abuse, stalking, divorce, protection orders, physical symptoms, and boundaries.

Kimber & The Belittling Physical Abuser | Domestic Violence & Narcissistic Abuse

Get your FREE Divorce Checklist today!

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Navigating a divorce can feel like traversing a minefield.

“Divorce Checklist” offers a comprehensive guide that prepares you to face this challenging journey with confidence. This indispensable resource delves into every aspect of divorce, from managing assets and handling custody disputes to understanding legal jargon and anticipating hidden costs. The thorough approach ensures no stone is left unturned, providing detailed checklists for property division, financial accounts, child support, and even post-divorce considerations like updating your will and managing retirement funds.

Equipped with real-life advice and practical tips, this short book is designed to empower you to advocate for yourself and secure your future, helping you to manage both the emotional and logistical complexities of divorce.

Click HERE to get yours today! https://thehub.mastermind.com/v2/preview/9lIUcSb56dGrXdbUOdHM?notrack=true

Year of Thorns: Dealing with Narcissistic Manipulation – Book Review

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I am truly thankful for the one-star review of my book listed below, “Year of Thorns: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist.” This review succinctly captures all 17 manipulative tactics of a narcissist in one paragraph. Their attempt to (Smear), sway others (Third-Party Reinforcements) and (Project) what are clearly their own insecurities needing the get the last word in.  Starting with the Name:  “Discerning Eye” (Stalking).  “Tragic Clown” (Verbal Abuse). Claims that I was the one “rejected” (Fear of Abandonment & Altered Reality). “Mention of children” (Guilt and Parental Alienation). “Dog could write better” (Devaluing). Next books in the series – “personally responsible & evolve” (The Mirror Effect) and finally my personal favorite – “bitter  & alone” (Judgement & Shame). Thank you Discerning Eye. It only validates my story and gives meaning to what I endured so that I may help others moving forward. #happyandlivingmybestlife

The Discerning Eye

1.0 out of 5 stars Dumb. Don’t bother. Reviewed in the United States on May 29, 2024, Amazon

“Visualize a tragic clown vomiting on paper. This book wreaks of pent up revenge fantasies fueled by rejection. If every person that ends up divorced did this, we would be killing trees for zero purpose. Tragic mostly for the kids that have to be subjected to their parent ranting like this about the other parent. For every book like this there should be a counter book from the other party. My dog can be an author if this is the standard. My vote for the next book in the series would be “How to Become Personally Responsible and Evolve” or “Top 10 Ways to Not End Up Bitter & Alone”.

Year of Thorns: Unveiling a Universal Story of Struggle and Healing

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I’m bursting with excitement to share some truly thrilling news with you. After years of unwavering dedication, soul-searching, and sheer determination, the book I’ve poured my heart and soul into is finally ready to grace the shelves. This isn’t just any ordinary project for me; it’s a profoundly personal narrative that delves deep into the intricate journey of my family.

Let me assure you right from the start that my intention in writing this book was never to cast shadows or pry into private family matters. Quite the opposite, actually. My sole aim has always been to share my experiences with the hope of offering solace and guidance to others navigating similar challenges.

In order to safeguard everyone’s privacy and uphold our family’s boundaries, I’ve chosen to adopt a pen name and alter the identities of the characters within the book. My utmost wish is for this tale to be a wellspring of hope and understanding, without causing any discomfort to my cherished ones.

This decision wasn’t taken lightly. It was born from deep reflection and a genuine desire to liberate myself from past pain and dysfunction. I firmly believe that by openly addressing our struggles, we can pave the way for healing and growth, not only for ourselves but for generations to come.

It took me six years to complete this book. I’m no professional writer, but I felt an undeniable compulsion to share my story. It consumed me, spending eight or more hours a day writing, reading, and researching, trying to unravel how I found myself in that place in my life. Through my research, I came to realize that my story wasn’t unique; it was universal. How did I not see it all those years, despite considering myself pretty smart, even with a degree in psychology! Words cannot fully express the intense need and obsession I felt to share what I had learned along the way. However, this obsession took its toll, and I had to take a break from the manuscript for a few years while I focused on myself, relocating and rediscovering joy.

The thought of perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction within our family, particularly knowing its impact on my own children, was simply unbearable. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can contribute to a future where love, understanding, and compassion prevail.

I also created a “Divorce Checklist” available on Amazon/Kindle which offers a comprehensive guide of what to include in your Judgement of Divorce leaving no stone unturned. This guide will empower you to advocate for yourself and secure your future, helping to manage both the emotional, logistical and financial complexities of divorce.

As my book and checklist are released, I hope you’ll grasp the truth I aim to convey and understand the necessity I felt in sharing it. Just as my pastor/prophet suggested, I believe my purpose is to share my story to assist others on their journey. To all who supported me during my “Year of Thorns,” I extend heartfelt gratitude for your love and encouragement that gave me the strength to persevere.

Stay tuned for the Kindle/Amazon release – link coming soon! Year of Thorns By Kimber Foster

Emotional Manipulation #4 – Setting Smoke Screens

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blue and white smoke digital wallpaper

Photo by Rafael Guajardo on Pexels.com

Narcissist throw a smoke screen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic. Narcissist don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable.  If you really want to talk about the issue that’s bothering you, you’ll have to  continually try to get back to the subject at hand, which is difficult in the first place.  And then of course there’s the fear of  their reaction.  

When I confronted the narcissist about anything, he would change the subject or make everything seem like a joke.  On one occasion during our divorce, after his constant invasions of my personal space I asked him, “Why do you keep breaking into my room and going through my personal files?” 

The Narcissist replied, “You’re the one that abandoned the family,” completely changing the subject in attempt to shift the blame. If I complained about his neglectful parenting, he would point out a mistake or event that happened years ago.   Somehow he would turn the tables on me.  

When I asked the narcissist about his non-status quo purchases during our divorce, he replied, “Why don’t you get a job so you can pay for all your drinking with your new boyfriend.” I wasn’t out drinking and I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time.  It was frustrating to say the least.  But over time I began to learn and recognize the pattern and his smoke screens.    It’s not me.  I’m not crazy.  

I also learned there’s no arguing with the silver tongued devil.  I would never win, nor would I ever get the answers to my questions through his smoke and mirrors.

One Year Ago – Liberation Day

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One Year Ago . . . a day of reflection

I’m jumping ahead here to my journal entry from one year ago on 9/11.  It seems to be a day of reflection.  What a difference a year makes.

I had met Scott thirty years ago to the day.  I remember vividly because it was my friend Karen’s birthday all those years ago back in college.  And being that it falls on 9/11 also makes the date easy to remember.  I will always remember 9/11 moving forward as my Liberation Day.  The day I singed our Settlement Agreement.

Psychiatric Evaluation Results 

Our attorneys had asked to meet prior to my deposition to see if we could finalize a Settlement Agreement regarding the few remaining issues prior to our scheduled trial to begin the following day:  Child Custody, Alimony and Child Support.  (Scott had already been disposed by that point.)

To my advantage and delight we finally received the psychiatric evaluation results that morning.  Scott’s entire case was based on claims that I was an unfit and uninvolved mother — which, after his deposition, we knew was a lie.  Scott couldn’t answer a single question regarding our children.  Scott’s only alternative was to claim that I was mentally unstable, bipolar, delusional, etc….  Everything was riding on the psychiatric evaluation results.  For us both! 

I received the results literally as I was walking out the door to meet Kelly, my attorney a few minutes prior to our Settlement talks.   I couldn’t read through the report fast enough as my heart pounded, with each sentence filling my heart with joy. 

The results were even better than I imagined! Having just read the report myself, I couldn’t help but gloat.  It was Scott’s final nail in the coffin.  He had no case against me.  He had to know that if we went to trial he would surely have lost taking into consideration both his deposition and his personal psychological assessment results.  Then there was my boat load of evidence pertaining to his forgery, perjury, documented abuse through police reports, hacking, evidence of staging and lying to our co-parenting therapist, plus my documentation of over 100 violations.  Scott really had no choice but to settle. 

*           *            *

September 11 – Settlement Agreement, My Liberation Day! 

During our final negotiations, we knew Scott wanted to avoid going to trial.  However, his settlement offer was much less than what I wanted, but significantly more than his original offer of ZERO.  Slowly over the course of the morning we made headway.  During our negotiations I stood my ground and refused Scott’s last offer.  I had calculated an amount that I thought was fair and refused to go below that amount.  (It still wasn’t what I wanted financially, but I also wanted it to be over!) 

My attorney, upset with my stubbornness, actually asked me to step outside into the parking lot.  As we stood there, Kelly with her voice raised proceeded to tell me while pointing her finger in my face that I was making the biggest mistake of my life if I wouldn’t accept their latest settlement offer. It was much less than I was willing to go; especially after my research in talking with my CDFA and court ‘calculated’ recommended amount.   I dug in my heels and for the first time I stood up to Kelly and said “I am willing to take my chances.  I’d rather go to trial than compromise my integrity.”  Which is exactly what I would have done if I had agreed to Scott’s pittance of an offer.  Up to this point I’ve been fighting for my life.  I was not about to quit, after everything Scott’s put me through not just this past year, but in all the years before.    My attorney couldn’t possibly understand the pain and mental anguish I’d endured. 

Kelly, not happy with my refusal, stormed back into the building.  Throwing her arms up in the air as she walked into the conference room announced “We’re going to trial.  Negotiations are done. Offer refused.”  Following a few feet behind Kelly I sat down and clipped the mic on stating that I was ready to start my deposition for our trial tomorrow. I was not playing around.  The look on Scott’s face was priceless, seeing I was dead serious, he stated, “I told you she would do this,” to his attorney and stepped out asking for a few words in private.  

Approximately ten minutes later, they came back into our small conference room where I was waiting with the court stenographer who was there to record my deposition.  Scott had agreed to our Settlement offer and alimony from our last round of negotiations (still lower than I hoped, but I could live on).  There was no reason to continue with my deposition nor preparations for trial. We also agreed that we would continue the personal property and status quo violation issues with the arbitrator (Big Mistake – Huge.)

The four of us proceeded to write out the agreement around the conference table dividing the assets effective September 1st retroactively.  We all were then required to sign the document.  When the papers came around to me, I had a last-minute thought and refused to sign. The silence in the room was deafening. I proceeded to state “I will only sign our agreement today if I get the dog.”  Scott had threatened all along to take the dog as well as the children from me.  

Scott actually began to refuse and argue, when his attorney hit him on the arm and told him, “Give her the damn dog!”  Scott reluctantly agreed, and I signed.   I was disappointed in the final numbers, but happy that chapter was nearly closed. I actually felt guilty that I was so happy – so close to freedom!  (I was so misguided — it was far from over.)

I was hopeful that the divorce was nearly over and the Judgement of Divorce (JOD) could be entered. (It wasn’t entered until January!)  We still had a few loose ends with the arbitrator regarding our personal property and Status Quo violations, but I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was nearly free!  For the first time in what seems like ages I could breath and feel a sense of hope for my future.

Signing the Settlement Agreement was by far my biggest mistake leaving the rest of the issues in the mediator/arbitrators hands.  I should have gone to trial.  As part of our Settlement Agreement I agreed to waive all attorney fees.  This was also a huge mistake.   It wasn’t mutual.  Meaning that Scott did not agree to waive attorney fees and would come after me for Arbitration and Mediation attorney fees later.  Scott’s attorney fees were 2/3 higher than mine.  But Kelly insisted that it would be difficult to get reimbursed given that the fees were already paid in full.  But according to Kelly, going to trail would cost significantly more, and I would be taking a chance at recouping those attorney fees and sanctions.  One can’t predict the future, but in hindsight, I had already come so far, I should have taken the chance.  It wasn’t over.  Not even close and Scott would continue to bleed me dry after signing the Settlement Agreement.

*           *            *

The Aftermath 

Scott lost the battle; we both did.  The only winners were the attorneys.  Finally, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  I should have been relieved, happy that this war was nearly over.  But I had this foreboding feeling that there was more to come. (There was!)

As anticipated, the malicious messages came rolling in immediately.  Using all the manipulative tools Scott knew, he tried to shame me; guilting me by projecting his own insecurities onto me through a barrage of texts. Scott said, “I hope you’re happy. Now I can’t afford to support our children’s education.”  He continued calling me greedy, claiming that the children would suffer because of me!   

I couldn’t help but reflect how much money we wasted, literally thrown out the window, much in part to Scott’s actions (and significant attorney fees).  Yet he blamed me, using the only weapon he had left to hurt me, the kids. Just as I feared. Just as he threatened.  Scott had 14 days to write me a check for half the equity of the house, boat, cars and E-Trade compensation.  (Having those funds allowed me the financial freedom to move out finally). Scott didn’t want to give me one cent, but he  was a smart man, backed into the corner with his failure of a deposition and an even worse psychiatric evaluation in hand. He was a wounded warrior, out for revenge.

I should have refused to settle and gone to trial. What I didn’t understand at the time and do now is that the narcissist show their true colors in conflict. One should abandon all hope of a reasonable negotiation or mediation; the true narcissist does neither. The narcissist’s policy is to scorch the earth, destroying everything and leaving nothing behind.

Staging #3 – Gun

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January Journal Continued . . .

Not bothering to knock, using his key Scott let himself into the master bedroom, and approached me again with his phone in hand recording.  Clearly, Scott had carefully planned and orchestrated what he would say next.  Dropping the bombshell Scott said, “I’m afraid of you. I don’t feel safe in our home because you have a gun in your room!” 

Stunned, I stopped putting away the laundry, shocked at his comments. Had I heard him correctly? I asked, “What did you say? A gun?” 

In my bewilderment, Scott replied, “I know you have a gun in your room, and I’m notifying my attorney immediately.” 

After Scott turned around and strutted out of my bedroom, perplexed I searched my bedroom.  Sure enough, in the top drawer of my dresser Scott had planted a BB gun under some clothes.  The same gun we had used to shoot the iguanas to scare them away from relieving themselves in our pool in Puerto Rico!  It was an air pump BB gun, relatively harmless.  But Scott just accused me of having a gun in my room and recorded it, stating he was now afraid of me! Thus admitting at the same time that he had broken into my room earlier and gone through my drawers and clothes.

I contacted my attorney Bob the next day and asked him what to do?  With a chuckle, Bob said, “Carefully place the BB gun in a plastic bag avoiding making fingerprints and hide it somewhere safe.” I was completely dumfounded.  Had Scott really just staged something in an attempt to frame me?! Hell Yes! I didn’t think it was funny.  Not at all.  

My intuition was right.  And that was just the beginning.  I had every right to be afraid.

Certified Financial Divorce Advisor (CDFA)

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January Journal Continued  . . .

It was time to put my support team together.  After loads of research I learned there was such a thing as a Certified Financial Divorce Advisor.  That was exactly what I needed. I was still working on the hundreds of interrogatory questions and needed help, especially with the financial portion.  And so I hired a Renee, and asked her to review our taxes since, when living abroad, were very complex.  Scott’s company had provided the firm KPMG to prepare them annually. And I had many, many questions.

CDFA

The role of a Certified Divorce Financial Advisor (CDFA) is to assist the client and lawyer how the financial decisions made today will impact the client’s future.  And, after divorce how to best position your assets.

Back when we lived in Puerto Rico, Scott told me that KPMG had miscalculated our taxes as part of the tax equalization process and we owed $60,000.  I was shocked.  That was nearly our entire savings and we supposedly had to pay that money back to The Company. In all the years since, it never sat right with me.  Our taxes had always been around just a few thousand dollars that we either owed or received in return, not $60,000!  And the check for the payment was written to our local bank, not to the IRS, not to The Company.  When I had questioned Scott about it then, I was dismissed.  Scott said, “You don’t understand finances. You’re stupid when it comes to numbers.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  So now I asked Renee to look for that transaction and documentation.  Nothing.  I then asked my attorney, Bob, to add that to a second set of interrogatory questions for Scott.  

When Scott saw I’d hired the CDFA (using our joint accounts), in retaliation he began bombarding me with requests for my business records and receipts.  I crafted as a hobby and for stress relief.  I was crafting like crazy at the time!  Sometimes I would sell my wares at craft shows.  I spent more on supplies then what I made back in sales.  But Scott always refused to claim my income, concerned that it would raise red flags with the IRS.  Then Scott accused me stating, “I know you’re hiding money.  You’re a spending whore,” amongst other choice insults.  My hiring Renee spooked Scott — he was unusually assertive and angry. 

Renee was a huge help.  But I never got the answer about the missing $60,000 from Puerto Rico.  All of our Puerto Rico bank statements also mysteriously disappeared at that time during the divorce. We even went so far as to subpoena the Puerto Rican Banks. They refused to respond stating they were a US territory and needn’t comply with US rules and regulations.  Later I also hired a PI – to look for hidden funds.  Just for a domestic sweep (within the US) cost $750.  To do an international sweep I was told would cost thousands – thousands I didn’t have access to at the time.  I’m sure Scott got away with it all.  Living internationally, it was easy for Scott to stash cash.

 

 

Staging #2 – Amicable

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January Journal Continue . . .  

With his phone out and obviously recording, Scott approached me in our home office and asked, “What do you want?”  Scott then continued on to say for the camera, patting his heart and giving me the sad puppy eyes, “I just want a peaceful, painless, and amicable divorce.” I couldn’t help but laugh.  All his actions leading up to that point were anything but peaceful.  

I replied, “If you want our divorce to be amicable, as you’ve so often said, then please respect my boundaries.  Stop breaking into my room, my car, my files.  Our divorce is not going to be amicable until you are amicable.” 

“So, you’re saying you are a not going to be amicable?”  With a big grin, Scott then said, “Thank you very much.” He turned, and walked away saying, “Thank You. Thank You,” repeatedly chuckling under his breath walking out the door.   

(Over the course of the divorce, Scott would stage more than 30 events in attempt to set me up and/or even going so far as to trying to put me in jail.)

Police Report #2

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January Journal Continued . . .

Today I returned home from Chicago to find that Scott had hired a locksmith and gained access to the master bedroom — the lock that I had installed just a few days prior.  It was pick proof, but not locksmith proof. (This was just the start of the Locksmith Fund …. more than a dozen visits over the course of the divorce costing more than $1,000.) 

“It’s my house, my room and now I have the key,” Scott said.  “There’s nothing you can do about it.  Legally I have the right to be here.”  Taunting me, he refused then to give me a key. There was no sense in trying to reason with him.  Even with our counselor reaching out to him, reminding Scott of our agreement, Scott will do what he wants, when he wants with no regards for my privacy.  He meant to torture me, throw me off balance.   

Scott went through my files on the home computer before.  This time I discovered he went through my personal files I kept locked in my bedroom.  Is nothing sacred?  Can’t he allow me one place to be my personal space?  No!  Now Scott had the key to use anytime he felt like gaining access to me and my room!  I won’t stand for it!  Not now.  Not anymore.  Why was he so obsessed with my personal space?  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it!  It was abuse no matter how you looked at it.

In a panic and angry I called the police.  How am I supposed to continue to live in fear with no privacy and no sleep?  I couldn’t just pack up and leave, forced to stay in the marital home for the sake of our children with no money of my own.  (Police Report #2.)

The police came shortly thereafter and asked Scott to give me a copy of the key. Reluctantly he obliged.  I asked the officer what I could do about Scott consistently breaking into my bedroom?  I told him how Scott had terrorized me numerous times in the middle of the night.  I told the officer how Scott had assaulted me before and how his anger outburst scared me.  The officer proceeded to tell me, “Legally you both own the house. Therefore, he has the right to access your bedroom, regardless of your agreement. Unless it’s written in a Court Order, there’s nothing we can do.” 

But one officer did suggest I contact the Personal Protection Order (PPO) offices as an option.  I had been there before back in October when Scott hurt me the last time. But that was a while ago.  Usually to file a PPO there had to be evidence of recent physical harm or eminent danger.  Did I have to wait until I was beaten again, or worse?  In the meantime I contacted my attorney – apparently there was an alternative option.  I needed to file a Motion for Exclusive Use of the Home.  It was obvious Scott was not going to let this divorce be amicable or peaceful as he repeatedly stated over and over.  His actions proved otherwise.

(Looking back, I think this was all a part of Scott’s intricate plan to get me out of the house with his constant invasion of my privacy. More on that later.)  

Exiled 

The following day I removed Scott’s access to all my social media accounts, including Facebook.  He went ballistic.  Scott couldn’t stand not having access to my accounts, by bedroom, my car.  I was a piece of property he owned and everything that went with it.

So in retaliation once again, Scott said he is taking our oldest son, Brandon to Las Vegas for his 21st birthday and our daughter to Miami for spring break.  Scott knows I don’t approve, which I stated on record.  Brandon had just gone on my birthday cruise, which was also to have been his early 21st birthday present.  Lindsey was going to California. 

I don’t understand where all this money was coming from?  I expressed my concerns while taping the conversation on my phone to Scott.  I stated, “these extra trips of yours were not planned jointly nor agreed upon. Therefore you are the one now violating the MSQ and MRO orders as you so often accused me of doing.”  Scott just laughed and walked away.  The rules didn’t apply to Scott.  (And, he got away with it all.  Spend now, ask forgiveness later rule.)

Chicago Bound

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January Journal Continued . . . 

I needed a break and I needed to get my finances in order which meant meeting with our bank branch in Chicago. Road trip time.  For the first time in months I actually smiled and felt a thousand pounds lighter leaving behind all that baggage — and Scott.  I couldn’t wait to be free.

Before I left, Scott sent a text demanding I leave the master bedroom door unlocked.  It was His room, His bed.  Of course I refused.  I hadn’t worked hours upon hours moving all his belonging to the guest room for no reason.  Who knows what he would do now – possibly start selling off my jewelry?  Hack my files?  Who knows! His erratic behavior and outburst were anything but status quo. Scott scared me. And he didn’t like it when I didn’t obey his demands.

Another text from Scott followed with, “Don’t tell anyone while on your ‘visit’ that we’re getting divorced.  It may impact my career.” I’m sure Scott doesn’t want me telling any of our friends about our impending divorce.  Besides, I don’t believe for one moment that a major Fortune 500 company will fire an employee for getting divorced.  It was all about his ego, and Scott’s need to maintain the perfect image.

Secret Mission

I went to stay with our friends Tim and Alyssa Johnson.  We met 26 years ago when Scott started working for “The Cereal Company” the same time as Tim.  They have continued to be our dear friends ever since. We visited them constantly over the years after we moved away.  They even managed to visit us while living abroad in both Ireland and the Caribbean. 

Now while staying with them in Chicago, I confided in Alyssa about the divorce.  She wasn’t surprised having known us for so many years and the struggles I’ve endured.  I asked her not to tell her husband, Tim, initially about the divorce.  First, I wanted to quiz him about the various savings and investment plans The Company offered.  Tim was close to the same level in The Company as Scott and I needed to know exactly what investments that entailed. So, over the next few days I cleverly worked in various questions about the plans and retirement programs that they were both participating in and took meticulous notes.  

Inside Scoop

Shortly after filing for divorce I’d reached out to another Company wife, Kim who had recently signed her Judgment of Divorce.  She had a difficult divorce as well, and warned me early on, even bringing me a journal instructing me to write down everything during the process. I am forever grateful to Kim for her advice and gift that day.  It’s the same journal I am referring to now.  She indicated that her ex-husband had failed to disclose a few of those retirement plans during their divorce. To her dismay, there was nothing she could do now to recoup those lost funds.  Knowing what had happened to Kim, I wasn’t about to let that happen to me as well and so I drilled Tim for information as best I could.

Retaliation 

Scott continued to inundate me with messages while I was in Chicago, now proclaiming that he was taking the kids to Florida for spring break among other things.  We had discussed this before and had agreed that, because our daughter had won the state competition for DECA, she was going to go to California for the national competition.  We simply couldn’t afford to do both.  Besides, we had agreed that she couldn’t take that much time away from both her high school and college classes. Scott just wants to punish me for going to Chicago. It was ok for him to travel and go on numerous “guy trips” each year.  But not ok for me to even take a weekend away.  That was his retaliation.  

(Scott claimed later that every time I left the house I was abandoning the family – even when I would drive an hour away to meet with my attorney.  He would state this repeatedly in our child custody and arbitration hearings.)

I spent a few blissful days with the Johnson’s free from obligations and divorce able to exercise my free will and just go with it.  I can’t remember the last time I did that.  I also made the rounds and visited a few other friends from the old neighborhood where we used to live in the Chicago suburbs.  Finally I met with our banking account executive and got access to the accounts online and a working ATM card. I informed him of our divorce and asked that he alert me if Scott made any other changes to our account. 

(I am surprised that our bank neglected to inform me that Scott had made special arrangements to cash out our E*Trade stocks at that local branch receiving $71,000 in cash just a few days prior.)

Moving Day

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January Journal Continued . . . 

I was exhausted by Scott’s continuous efforts to pick my bedroom lock, always having some lame excuse; claiming he needed access to the thermostat, the medicine in the cupboard or something else.  Our therapist Sally reached out to him, reminding Scott of our agreement that he would reside in the guest room. Finally forced to acknowledge our agreement, he was now procrastinating moving his stuff to the guest room stating he didn’t have time due to work constraints.

I couldn’t take another sleepless night by that point, and so that morning I proclaimed it moving day.    I called a locksmith who assured me that the new lock he installed was “pick-proof.”  After the locksmith left, since Scott refused to move his belongings to the guest room, out of the kindness of my heart (and for my sanity) I moved everything.

Initially I considered throwing everything out the windows like you see on TV. But that would mean violating the MSQ/MRO orders if I removed anything of his from the house.  Instead, I packed up Scott’s clothes and personal items and moved them to the basement, two floors below, taking one step at a time.  Stairs were difficult since my second knee replacement revision.  It took me hours and many, many trips, but worth every bead of sweat to get him out of my personal space. Being a bit obsessive-compulsive, I actually color-coordinated all of his hanging clothes and put the others neatly in the dressers.  Anything that didn’t fit or wasn’t seasonal I put into moving boxes and labeled each one accordingly. I then wrote Scott a letter and posted it on the master bedroom door explaining my actions. I asked him to respect our agreement so we could move ahead peacefully and amicably. 

When Scott returned home later that evening and saw the new lock I had installed on my bedroom door, he lost it and angrily began banging on my bedroom door. I was thankful that both the children were away, and tried to ignore his temper tantrum as he shouted, “You have no right to move my stuff!”  Further adding “It’s my house and my bedroom!”  He accused me of violating the MSQ/MRO orders, even going so far as to make a copy of the Orders and sliding them under my bedroom door.  Imagine what would have happened had I thrown all his stuff out the window! 

I felt safe for the first time in a long, long while having the new lock in place. I slept well that night. But that didn’t last long.  

Scott would later claim in court that I  threw all his clothes down the stairs. Thankfully, I took photos of all of his items that I had neatly moved, hung and put away.

F is for Felony

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January Journal Continued . . . 

Scott left again on another one of his business trips. I am beginning to question his ‘business trips’ which seem to be increasing in frequency.  Not that I mind. I am glad, even grateful, when Scott is away. I can’t sleep when he is at home, I’m always afraid he will pick the lock on my bedroom door, day or night.  

While Scott is away, the texts have started rolling in like a thunderstorm.  Scott continues to proclaim that our agreement with our marriage counselor never took place stating “You’re crazy. I never agreed to stay in the basement; you’re delusional to think that you have the right to lock the door and keep me out of my own bedroom!”

In another text Scott threatened, “I will call the locksmith when I get home if you still continue to lock the door.”  

Desperate and sleep-deprived, I reached out to our marriage counselor, Sally. I asked if I misunderstood our arrangement. Was I delusional?  Had I misinterpreted our conversation that day while in Florida?  That was one of the worst days of my life, holding my sobbing father after hearing his life was at stake, and then choosing OUT of our marriage per Scott’s ultimatum.  To my relief, Sally confirmed that “Yes,” during the conference call from Florida Scott had agreed to reside in the basement guest bedroom. She reassured me stating “I will reach out to Scott and remind him of the agreement.” 

I immediately took a photo of her text and saved it to a zip drive. I have started stockpiling loads of texts and emails against Scott should we go to trial.  (Thank goodness I started keeping track of literally hours upon hours of videos and recordings as well as hundreds of emails and texts, in addition to this journal.) This evidence will be crucial later when questioning my recollection of events, dates, times, etc. as well as my reality which has been brought into question numerous times because as Scott implied “I was delusional.”  However, I have come to realize this isn’t true. Our agreement with our therapist is a perfect illustration of the crazy wheel Scott kept me spinning on. I have to constantly reach out to friends, family, therapist, and my own journal to validate my perceptions and beliefs breaking down any self-doubt. 

While Scott was away on his current ‘business trip’ we later discovered that without my knowledge and approval Scott cashed out some of our stocks and took the check sent by overnight express from E*TRADE, forged my signature, and withdrew more than $71,000 in cash from our Chicago bank. Not only did Scott violate both the MRO and MSQ orders, he committed a felony by forging my signature! 

Police Report #1

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January Journal Continued . . . 

The kids needed cash for various things such as ski club and travel money for our daughter’s upcoming Distributive Education Club of America (DECA) trip.  Scott refused to give me or the kids any money.  So, I went to our local credit union and withdrew $100.  Scott even stated that he will not pay the overdue credit card bill that is in my name, purposely damaging my credit.   

I had opened a new card about a year ago to get the double airline miles.  When I applied online, I couldn’t figure out how to add another name.  Besides, I thought at the time I should start building credit of my own, having contemplated divorce even then. But I considered it a family account as I put all the monthly utilities and joint expenses on that card, most being direct debit and all paid from our joint bank account.  

“I refuse to pay for anything that isn’t mine; you have to pay for your own expenses and attorney fees,” he said. (I was so glad I had secretly began recording our conversation, showing proof of his attempts to alienate me from our finances.)

When I expressed “You know I don’t have any money of my own. It’s all in our joint account,” Scott then stipulated, “Well then, I guess you need to sell some of your jewelry or go get a job.  I’m not paying your credit card bill.” 

Having heard enough, I left and headed over to a neighbor’s house where we drank a glass of wine and soaked in her hot tub.  I did not want to have to deal with him anymore that day knowing there was no way I could battle with the silver tongued devil.  When I returned to the house later that evening, Scott pounced on me in the kitchen the moment I walked in the door.  He was obviously drunk, slurring his words and visibly angry with his stance.  

He wanted to know, “Where did you go?  Who were you with!?”   Once again if insinuating that I was having an affair.  Then he accused me of being drunk having noticed that I took a bottle of wine with me when I left earlier.  

Finally he got around to the real subject that was bothering him.  He had noticed the tax files were missing from our home office, and asked, “Where are the tax files!?” 

I explained, “I dropped off the tax files to be copied.” I did not tell him I had left the tax files with my new attorney. But it didn’t really matter either way.  His reaction was NOT normal, unless he had something to hide.

Because I had temporarily removed the tax files Scott was now accusing me of violating the MSQ and MRO orders. Scott then demanded to know when, where and with whom I left our tax files with?  When Scott didn’t get the answers he was seeking, I could tell his anger was quickly rising.  He stood within a few feet of me, purposely invading my personal space, screaming now within inches of my face demanding answers.  

Not knowing what else to do, I bolted, running up to my room.  Scott was right behind me as he chased me into the master bedroom. I managed just in time to lock myself in the master bathroom slamming the door in his face. Terrified I dialed the police.  I didn’t doubt for one second it could have escalated to physical abuse if I hadn’t locked myself in the bathroom.  He was crazy mad, and Mr. Hyde was banging on my door yelling “I’m pressing charges! You just assaulted me with the door!” (Keep in mind, I am recording everything.)

Not long after I made the call, the police came and made sure I was ok. The officer told Scott to leave me alone, and left.  Instead of listening to the officers, Scott’s irrational and erratic behavior escalated.  I had to take refuge in the master bathroom again while I heard Scott pacing outside the bathroom door shouting more obscenities and ranting. (Thank goodness I had video taped Scott’s erratic behavior that day, proving I hadn’t assaulted him with the door. It would come in handy later.)

When all was quiet and it seemed like Scott had given up, I went to check on Cooper. I hoped our son slept through the whole ordeal. I was relieved to find him sound asleep.  When I went to go back into my bedroom a minute later I found the door shut and locked. Scott must have waited for me to open the door, then snuck in while I was checking on Cooper. I was banished to the basement again without my PJ’s, toothbrush, and my medication.  I could have picked the lock, but I wasn’t about to sink to his level, nor did I want to disturb the drunken Supreme Being, afraid of his retaliation.  I’d had enough of Scott that night.  Best to stay away. 

Unbeknownst to me, Scott sold more E*TRADE stocks that day and requested that the check be sent to him via overnight express. Another MRO & MSQ violation. 

Words of Affirmation – Emotional Manipulative Tactic #2

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Emotional Manipulation Tactic #2 – Words of Affirmation

“Words of Affirmation” are just what you want to hear from your significant other – that they love you, how important you are to them, they are sorry, and how they will never hurt you again. The only thing is – you never hear these things from them unless you are extremely upset and threatening to walk away. Or when they feel the need to exert their power over you in some way. It could be when you’ve reached your boiling point, like a frog about to jump out of the pot, but these words of affirmation are what your abuser knows will get you to stop being angry and stay. Unfortunately, this probably isn’t a true feeling of love or respect for you. It’s just giving you what you want to hear (or gifts) to calm you down – that’s appeasement, not love. 

After Scott’s last physical attack in October, I threatened to leave.  Scott then claimed to have an epiphany, that he would change and do whatever it took.  He bought me Hallmark cards of affirmation daily and wrote me letters stating how much he loved me and was sorry for all that he’d done in the past. (Looking back I think he was just buying time, hoping I wouldn’t press charges or file a PPO – Personal Protection Order.)

Upon returning from my birthday cruise (that he went on without me), Scott presented me with a beautiful platinum 5 diamond ring stating, “Happy Birthday. I love you with all my heart and I want to make (US) work.  It was the nicest piece of jewelry he ever gave me. But his words didn’t sound sincere, even then.  So Scott was making this grand gesture at the time trying to save our marriage by buying me gifts and showering me with words of affirmation.   “I will change and do whatever it takes” he proclaimed.   That lasted about a month, if that.  

January Journal Continued . . .

I awoke to Scott shaking my shoulder. I bolted upward and asked with my heart pounding a million beats per second. “What do you want now?” indignant that he had picked the lock, again.   Sleep was becoming difficult.  I never knew when he would ‘pick’ the lock and let himself into my bedroom.  My bedroom had become my invisible prison.  It was the only place I felt somewhat safe.  But was it?  After all, according to Scott it was HIS house, HIS room and HE could enter anytime HE felt like it with no regards to my wishes, privacy or our agreement; which apparently never took place.  I was crazy and delusional.

Standing over me in the dark Scott clamored “Where’s the ring I gave you for your birthday? I need it back!” 

“What?  It was a gift.  I’m not giving it back to you” I said, refusing his demands, pulling the sheets up trying to protect myself (and hide the ring I had on). 

In the most patronizing voice Scott could muster, he demanded, “I need it back so that I can pay attorney fees!” He said, angrily shouting at me, now holding out his hand expecting me to comply. 

Groggily I actually laughed with disgust upon hearing this. Rolling over, turning my back to him I replied, “Nope.  Sorry” hoping that he would go away and leave me alone.

I firmly believe if it came in a box, wrapped with a bow and a card that said Happy Birthday, it’s a gift.   If he feels that he needs the money that badly, let him sell one of the numerous watches or electronics I had bought him over the years.  It was ridiculous – and why that ring?

Not happy, Scott replied “Well, we will just see about that after I speak with your attorney. Good luck on paying your attorney fees!”  He knew I didn’t have any money of my own, that all our finances were held jointly.  And, he was making sure that I didn’t have access to those funds. Threats and more threats filling me with worry and fear.  Exactly what he wanted.

It took me hours to fall back asleep after he stomped away. Damn him for making me worry, not to mention scaring the hell out of me in a deep sleep. I had the ring on, thank goodness, and I was scared he would try and rip it off my finger.  I bet he had gone through my jewelry already looking for it. After that night’s incident, I wouldn’t put it past Scott to take anything of mine worth value.

Once again, we later learned that day Scott had sold additional E*TRADE stocks and changed the statement mailing address to that of his work office. That way I wouldn’t see his selling/moving of our funds. This also was in violation of both the MRO and MSQ orders.

Gaslighting – Emotional Manipulative Tactic #1

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Like a stubborn child stomping his feet, having just returned from his ‘business trip’ Scott flatly refuses now to move his belongings into the guest bedroom or basement.  Not only that, he claims to never have agreed to sleep in the guest bedroom.  Nevermind our conference call with our marriage counselor and the half-dozen messages where Scott states he would move his belongings before I returned home. The guest bedroom is part of a walk-out basement with full-sized windows, a walk-in closet, and a full bathroom.  It’s larger than most apartments.  We live in a 6,500 square foot home, with a 2,500 square foot finished basement.  Scott refused to respect my boundaries. He has to have control. Always. With utter disregard for my privacy and the original agreement, Scott stated “It’s my home, my bedroom, and I have the right to come in any time I want.” Looking back I should have had that printed on a t-shirt for him, having heard it more times than I could count over the course of the divorce. So much for an amicable and peaceful divorce.

Then to add insult to injury while in bed that night, I couldn’t believe it when I heard Scott picking the lock on my bedroom door!  Frightened I quickly hit the recording button on my phone.  Scott nonchalantly entered and walked to the bed in his boxers and wife-beater t-shirt. To my shock, he climbed into my bed while I was still in it! He put his ear plugs in and blindfold on and proclaimed “It’s your turn to sleep in the basement.” Then he rolled over and turned off the light.  The Supreme Being had banished me to the basement — and so I went like a good, obedient girl.

 As I laid there in the guest bedroom bed I thought “If that’s how he’s going to act, the war over the master bedroom is on!”  What is his problem? It is pragmatic that I sleep upstairs in the master bedroom. Scott travels a significant amount of time.  I am the primary caretaker of the kids, waking them up in the morning and getting them ready and off to school every day.  Plus, that was our agreement with our therapist during our conference call when I was at the hospital in Florida with my father.  Of that I was certain — I’m not crazy or delusional. I can’t believe Scott now claims that conversation never took place. I thought to myself, “Who’s the crazy one now?”  I was so frustrated and sick of all of Scott’s games already.  I needed help, and a new attorney. 

Emotional Manipulation #1 – Gaslighting   

“Gaslighting” was one of Scott’s strongest manipulation tactics.  Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt oneself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.  Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or an extreme exaggeration of the truth.  The term is derived from the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by forcing her to question herself and her sense of reality.  When someone is gaslighted, the narcissist will tell you, “That didn’t happen.  You imagined it.  You’re crazy. You’re delusional.”  In a nutshell, the narcissist will lie and that instills doubt.  Scott now proclaiming that he never agreed to reside in the guest bedroom during the divorce was a perfect example.  It’s easy to see how powerful this can be, as it allows the abuser to deflect all focus from their own actions and shift it to something completely irrelevant. Or, Scott would twist it so I would doubt my perceptions of what really happened time and time again.

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Loneliness – Part 2, Loneliness v. Alienation/Isolation

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Loneliness is normal. It can be both a good and bad thing.  On the positive side, solitude can be an integral and indispensable part of the human condition, absolutely essential to self-exploration, growth, and understanding. It’s in those moments that forces you to reflect, research, learn and understand which ultimately leads to healing.  

Many times loneliness is triggered by certain life circumstances out of one’s control such as death, children heading off to college, parents separating or finding yourself single when all your friends are married.  Other times, loneliness comes from alienation/isolation from your friends and family members. Narcissists have an arsenal of abuses, but isolation is one of their foremost weapons. My ex knew one of my greatest fears is being alone.  

Knowing this, Scott isolated me from my family and friends, enabling him to manipulate and control. Moving as often as we did, it was easy.  Not only that, when it comes to their partner and children, narcissist isolate them from the outside world, from one another, and even from their own sense of reality.

I recently read an article that loneliness is is related to sense of self: the less solid and stable sense of oneself there is, the less connection to our innermost true self or “soul” we have, the more likely we are to suffer from painful loneliness. In a way, we are unable to fully appreciate our own company, to amuse ourselves, to be good friends and companions to ourselves. This commonly occurs when the narcissist makes us question our own feelings, thoughts or values, which results in low self-esteem, bad boundaries, pathological anxiety, and an inability to tolerate aloneness because of the loneliness it brings.  In a sense, we are unconsciously missing and lonely for ourselves.

Once I made the conscious decision to leave Scott, beginning with my Lightbulb Moment, I struggled — and so I began to research and educate myself.  I also reached out to friends and family for support.  Tragically, when survivors reach out for support, their family and friends often dismiss their experience, due to the fact that the narcissist had already planted those seeds of alienation and launched a smear campaign, further isolating and confusing the survivor.

To make matters worse, very few people truly understand narcissism, isolating sufferers even further. is just one more way that a toxic narcissist will abuse you. Everyone needs a certain amount of social and interpersonal connection and contact to maintain a healthy emotional state as I stated in my previous blog – and the truth is, this need is nearly equally important as other basic survival needs like food, water and sleep.

When isolation doesn’t work, that’s when the narcissist will attempt to launch a smear campaign.  I will talk more about this later in my blog.  By doing so, their preemptive strike sabotages your reputation and slanders your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on — especially when you try to break free of that toxic relationship.

Many people lack the imagination to understand things beyond their immediate experience. But, to add insult to horrible injury, narcissistic personality disorder is so particularly complex, insidious, ruthless and destructive that it is virtually impossible to comprehend unless you’ve lived it (or something like it) first hand. Even if they know something about the disorder, most people have no idea what narcissistic abuse really entails.

How to Find Support

Survivors of narcissistic abuse often try to go it alone. Fortunately these days there are many resources about narcissism and its related trauma. Books, blogs, websites, online forums, and YouTube videos, often created by survivors themselves, are now widely available. But they don’t replace personal support. There are many people experiencing what you are going through. Seek them out through your network of friends, support groups, and online forums. If you have a loving partner, educate him/her about what you’ve been through. Find a therapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery. Don’t let the narcissist continue to isolate you even after he is out of your life.

Loneliness can often take you into the deepest depths of despair.  Don’t let the narcissist win.  Now is the time to swim, kick back to the surface, reflect, understand and find those people who support the best you.  Find what makes you happy. Be happy with yourself. Believe.

 

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Loneliness – Part 1

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I’m deviating from my book a bit – and doing some introspection/self-evaluation.  For me, loneliness is my greatest fear.  I’ve moved a lot.  I was isolated, from friends and family always having to start over.  Maybe that’s why I stayed in a toxic relationship for as long as I did. I hate to be alone, plain and simple.  I’ve never done sit and still well.  Now, as I sit here alone in my home, its hard.  So hard.  The silence is deafening. But I have lots of friends, thousands. All over the globe. I have thousands of Facebook friends. I support the U.S. postal service significantly during the holidays sending out hundreds of Christmas cards to those I care about. But I’m lonely – lost in a sea of people.

And now I find that I’m surrounding myself with new people, that don’t necessarily (for a lack of words) build me up.  I constantly try to fill that void.  Instead, I’m “pimping” myself out – metaphorically. Just because I hate to be alone.  I find friends who want to use me…..  essentially a door mat.  Or those who fill a need.  But don’t really care.  Why do I do this?  Why, after all that I’ve been through, fought for, do I allow this emptiness to permeate my reasoning? Fear plain and simple.  It’s powerful.

Then there’s those people who, I believe my guardian angel brought into my life for a reason — to help me when I needed it most. For those of you out there, you know who you are, thank you. You are a gift that I will be forever grateful for.

Loneliness can hit anyone at any time. Sometimes you might not even feel lonely for an obvious reason, and what you’re experiencing could always be connected to other things like depression or anxiety. But it’s true that a lot of people tend to feel lonely during big life events. Maybe you’re moving house. Maybe your parents are getting separated. Maybe you’re going from high school into college. Or maybe you suddenly find yourself single, and all your friends are married.

Loneliness is painful. Clearly the pain is one in which the lonely individual feels damaged, as though somewhere their spirit was crushed. It hurts to feel lonely and it hurts even more because we don’t have anyone to share it with.

Feeling lost, having no sense of direction

Very interestingly, in my reading individuals described lonely as a feeling of being lost, and not knowing where they are going. This is true in my case. Why do I feel so lost when I am lonely? I think it’s because other people help give us a sense of meaning and understanding of the world. When you have a problem that you can’t figure out for yourself, what do you do? You go and talk to someone else about it.  Especially us girls.  We talk it out.  People help us to figure out what talents we have, what our good points and our bad points are. In other words, people help us maintain a sense of identity.

When we are lonely, and no one is around to give us support, we can begin to lose our sense of identity, no one is there to point out our mistakes, to give us a different point of view, to praise us when we do a good job. Then we tend to fall down that rabbit hole that the narcissist made us believe.  We can become encircled in our own delusions and thinking without the benefit of others to break us out of the vicious cycle. It is no wonder then lonely individuals feel lost and confused, it’s because there is no one out there to maintain our sense of identity, our sense of self.

Feeling of Nothingness

Another frequent feeling is that of nothingness. It has also been described as a void, a black hole, an abyss, hollow, and empty space. Basically there is a feeling that something is missing. When we break up with someone, or we are missing someone we loved dearly, we often describe that feeling as a hole in our heart, an emptiness somewhere in the space of our chest. Even if that relationship was toxic.  What is this emptiness that we feel? This emptiness is a hunger for others, for others to be close to us, for others to love us. When we are hungry for food, our stomach growls, we get an empty feeling in the pits of our stomachs, we can’t stop thinking about food, and sometimes it even hurts.

Overwhelming Feeling

In some cases, loneliness can be overwhelming, so overwhelming in fact that lonely individuals may feel like they are about to burst! There is a feeling of despair, not knowing how much more of this painful loneliness one can take, feeling as if one is going to break apart at any minute. It’s like blowing up a balloon past its normal capacity. People who are lonely may feel this way because very often one is experiencing a wide variety of emotions and experiences, and yet there is no one to talk to, no one to share it with. Imagine having a problem with no one to discuss it with. Imagine making the greatest discovery of a lifetime, and yet there is no one there to share it with. These feelings may just be pushed down inside our minds, pushed into a bottle. But there is only so much the bottle can hold, there is only so much our minds can handle. If we don’t tell others, if we don’t share, if we don’t let it out somehow, we may indeed burst.

So I write.  I share.    I know I’m not alone in my loneliness.

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Now What?

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December 28th – (After my lightbulb moment) Happy Anniversary

Once I made the conscious to decision to leave Scott, letting the hotel screen door slam as I walked out, I wiped my tears and pulled myself together.

I was eerily calm riding in the back of the beat up old Uber van. The driver barely spoke English and couldn’t find the hotel I booked last minute. I had called my brother, who has a place in Marco Island. He said I could stay with him for a few days while I figure out next steps. So I picked a hotel midway between Sanibel Island and Marco, near the airport in Naples where my brother graciously offered to pick me up in the morning.

After Scott left me in full panic mode in that small hotel room to go have dinner with his mother and kids, his last words echoed over and over. “Suit yourself. You’re being selfish. You’re overreacting. You’re a horrible wife and mother. How dare you abandon your family. You’re a fucking psycho bitch.” Plus much, much more. Happy Anniversary.

Then the messages started rolling in from Scott. Most would think your partner of 30 years would be worried. Show concern. Ask if I was ok. Beg me to come back. Or, even give me space to breath. Nope. Instead I was inundated with hateful, spiteful, messages. Even lists. List of all the times he ‘claims’ I left the family. Lists of times he claimed I overreacted. Lists upon lists of mean, hurtful, hateful words.

It was abuse – verbal and mental abuse at its finest. I’d already come to recognize the signs having read Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” that really started it all on my path to understanding and breaking free. (If you haven’t read it, you should.) More on that to follow.

Both Scott and the kids had the following week off for “winter break.” So, I knew I wouldn’t be putting a burden on anyone with my absence. I just couldn’t fathom getting on that plane tomorrow. It’s difficult to explain how strong the feeling was — like a lightening bolt hitting me with complete clarity. Call it sick sense, panic attack, divine intervention, who knows. I had no doubt whatsoever I was doing the right thing. I knew I had to make a change and now. My life depended on it.

It didn’t really hit me until the kids called after their dinner. They wanted to know where I went. All I could think to say was that I wasn’t feeling well and decided to stay with my brother and family in Florida for a few more days while they headed back to the arctic tundra where we now reside in Michigan.

Now in the airport hotel room, the tears began to flow. This time in great waves. I cried for my children. I had stayed in this marriage thinking that by keeping the family unit intact, I was helping them.  Instead, I was doing the opposite.  I had hoped this vacation would bring us all closer together.  But it only verified what I knew to be true but couldn’t accept; our family was dysfunctional.  That’s not the message I want our children growing up with any longer.

I cried that my marriage had come to an end. The very foundation of my marriage was broken and couldn’t be fixed.  That became abundantly clear when my knight in shining armor wouldn’t go to battle for me.  He didn’t want to put a mark on that glossy veneer.  Scott’s threats over the years haunted me. He said he would destroy me if I ever found the courage to leave. And I believed him.  I cried because I was scared as hell. Now what?

In the Beginning

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We met in college.

I was an over-achiever. A member of a sorority and the governing board. I was heavily involved in their events while pursuing a double major. I was also a Student Senator and assisted the President of the University by hosting events and providing tours to special guests.

The cheerleaders were at one of those special University-sponsored events to hype up the crowd. That’s when I first saw him. Yes, Scott was a cheerleader. He was totally my type. Clean cut, he had thick, sandy brown hair and piercing baby blue eyes. He had chiseled features, a strong jaw, thin lips, and a small, pointed nose. He was just like the hero in a romance novel: tall, broad-shouldered, and in amazingly good shape because of his cheerleading.

We started dating shortly after that night. People often commented that we looked like Barbie and Ken – although I was a rather short Barbie. Scott seemed like a good, Catholic boy. He was working in the dorm cafeteria to pay his own way through college. He was a cheerleader. He wasn’t into drugs. He was polite, chivalrous, opened doors for me, and pulled out my chair. On our official first date he treated me to frozen yogurt at TCBY, picking me up on his moped. Scott didn’t have any money, scrapping together what he could to pay for school. He came from a very modest family of four children and grew up in a small town. I fell for him, hard.

* * *

I gave Scott nearly thirty years of my life. We were married right out of college, both having achieved our degrees. I had a good job planning special events and Scott was managing a group of nightclubs. Our lives were on completely different schedules.

People ask me, what it always bad? No. The honeymoon phase was AMAZING. Our sex life was off the charts. Our chemistry together was. . . explosive (in a good way). We couldn’t get enough of each other. He had this pure animal magnetism.

Sure, there were warning signs early on. He cheated on me while we were dating. Then later, shortly after we were married, I discovered that he had gambled away all of the money we received for our wedding. We also had arguments where Scott’s temper scared me. Just one year into the marriage, we were already at a crossroads. But, Scott professed his love, begged me to stay and got a day time job with “The Cereal Company” that moved us to Iowa. Luckily, I was able to transfer with my company as well. Thus, the cycle began.

We were moving every couple of years; each time, I had to start my career over again, always putting Scott’s first. During the 27 years of our marriage we moved more than thirteen times, both within the United States and abroad, where we lived as expatriates. Five years into our marriage, while both of us were working full-time, we started our family. During the years of never staying long in one place, Scott’s career continued to grow while I gave up my career. I took part-time jobs. Later I started my own home-based business to support him while raising our children. When our youngest was just six months old, I sold my business and we moved with Scott’s career internationally.

Our first international assignment took us to Ireland. I was not allowed to have a work visa as part of the Expat package with The Company. I was busy adjusting to living in a foreign country, raising our three children and immersed myself into the culture volunteering my time and joining the school PTA. I became the quintessential “executive wife,” raising our children and playing my proper role. We had live-in au pairs which gave us the opportunity to travel significantly visiting one country or another. Having live-in childcare gave us the opportunity to “date” again. Life was good. For the most part. I missed my family and friends terribly. Essentially, I was alienated — Scott and the children were my only constants in my universe. We travelled extensively, visiting more than 20 countries while Scott was in charge of sales for Europe. It was during that time while on a trip to Amsterdam that Scott found his passion (and addiction) for marijuana, which would only increase over the years.

Scott’s second assignment took us to Puerto Rico. I didn’t know the language but continued to try and contribute to the family finances through various odd jobs. I sold jewelry and my paintings as well as guided snorkel tours for the resort’s guests, many of which were celebrities. We lived in a high-end beachside resort community that featured four ocean side golf courses, multiple fitness centers, full-service spa and even a waterpark complete with a lazy river and water slides. We were living in paradise.

During that time I also wrote and published my first children’s book, Animal Bridge. I continued in my role as the boss’ wife, which was typical of the group and culture where we lived. I joined the school board, planned charity events, and was essentially Scott’s personal assistant. I planned and hosted Scott’s staff holiday parties, dinners, and other special events. I ran errands managing many of his day to day activities.

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Scott was in charge of the Caribbean, el Jefe, or ‘the boss.’ I’m sure Scott received A LOT of attention with his good looks and prestigious position. We travelled extensively, hopping from one island to another in the Caribbean and British Virgin Islands, living the picture perfect life in our high-end beachside community. It was resort living 24/7. Scott had no problem adapting to that island party mentality. To those around us, it seemed like the perfect life — glamorous even. The good times were really good. The bad were worse. Much worse. I was living in hell, trapped in paradise. (That’s all for another book later.)

I raised our children essentially as a single parent while Scott traveled a significant amount for his position with The Cereal Company. Each time we moved, we had to start over. I had to find new schools for the children, doctors for the family, and new friends. Because our oldest son had special needs, this was an especially challenging job.

I also began to develop some physical ailments. While we lived in Puerto Rico, after years of hitting the moguls skiing as a youth and later when tennis took its toll, it became imperative that I had to have knee replacement surgery. Shortly thereafter Scott convinced me to go on a spring break trip with the kids to St. Marten. I was hesitant having just had my knee replacement a month earlier still in pain and walking with a cane. But I didn’t want to disappoint Scott or my children, so hesitantly I went.

I agreed to a family excursion to a famous beach that day. It was post card perfect strewn with tiki huts and restaurants. The sun was beating down, glistening on the clear blue water calling my name — the perfect place to do my physical therapy. Getting into the ocean was easy, however, getting out was a whole new ball game. I sent our son to get help from his father, not more than thirty feet away working on his tan. Then, just as I feared, the steep incline coupled with the waves crashing proved to be too much for my unstable knee and I fell.

Our son who was eight years old at the time, ran to his father and pleaded, “Mommy needs help getting out of the ocean, she’s in trouble!” Scott, obviously irritated at having his quiet time disturbed, ignored our son’s plea for help.
“Mommy will figure it out,” he said. Upon hearing this, our daughter jumped up and came to my rescue.

After our daughter helped me out of the thrashing waves, I hobbled out of the ocean and sat there in the sand in shock, hurting and trying to gain my composure. Taking a few minutes to catch my breath, a few kind bystanders brought me some ice from the local restaurant. I sat there in tears from the pain. I felt mortified as my bathing suit had filled with sand in every orifice possible when the waves had rolled me around like a rag doll. Reluctantly, more out of obligation now at this point seeing the crowd around me, Scott finally got up from his beach chair and slowly wandered over to see what he could do to help.

Words can’t describe all the emotions I was feeling as I made the trek to a little makeshift shower to rinse off. I didn’t emerge for quite some time. I sat there sobbing with the realization that my well-being didn’t matter to Scott. In fact, in Scott’s eyes I knew he now considered me to be broken and discardable. Scott had no patience for my physical limitations. I was no longer that token wife, skinny and fit. I was used and broken no longer serving his ego.

As the years went by and Scott climbed the corporate ladder, so did his ego. The verbal and physical abuse also escalated, as did Scott’s substance abuse. While living abroad, these issues caused us to seek marriage counseling. When Scott’s abuse got to the point where the policia in Puerto Rico wouldn’t help, I knew I was trapped and in trouble.

Scott continued to control me through the finances as well. He made me believe we didn’t have any money because of poor investment choices he’d made when he bought three properties in Orlando, just prior to the crash in 2008. Scott lost over half a million dollars on those investment properties. Our entire savings was gone. Or so I thought. Scott also invested heavily in the stock market without consulting me. Many times those stocks went belly up. Considering how intelligent Scott is in the sales field, he wasn’t investment wise.

When I threatened to leave Scott after one of his physical assaults, Scott threatened that he would leave me with nothing and turn our children against me. Scott devalued me and made it clear I would be left with nothing, making me believe I couldn’t make it on my own. And, given some of my health issues, made it clear I would no longer be covered under his health insurance. I most certainly couldn’t afford it on my own should I leave. Or so I thought.

After we moved back to the States, I can honestly say I gave the marriage 100% and tried just as hard to save it. I enlisted the help of marriage counselors, therapists, and even a family coach. Although I’d had two knee replacement surgeries by that point, I still tried to help with the finances by crafting and working part-time decorating while taking care of the children. Of course, Scott always placed his appearance and work as his priority, and rarely helped around the house or with the children. I even hired an attorney as soon as we set foot on US soil, contemplating divorce back then. I wasn’t sold that this new beginning was just that. You can’t change a leopard’s spots.

It wasn’t until a few years later that I knew in my heart I had given all that I could. I needed to break away from the invisible prison Scott kept me in. I needed space to heal, find clarity, peace of mind, and focus to find myself once again. It was imperative that I show my children that every person deserves respect and dignity; something they never learned from Scott. I was at fault too. I failed to set proper boundaries over the years which only got worse as time progressed.

This divorce was the battle of all battles, and I was up against Goliath. The only winners were the attorneys. Ironically, the day I met Scott was the same time that “War of the Roses” debuted in theaters, circa 1989. Nearly 30 years later to the day we met, on 9/11, was my Liberation Day from Scott – or so I thought. That was just our Settlement Agreement. There was much more to come.

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“So now you’ve got some knowledge setting the scenes to come. What is a psychopath? What is a Narcissist? Our history. How we met. Then leading to my light bulb moment on our wedding anniversary when I knew it was time to break free. The following blogs will be my journal entries of my Year of Thorns when I started the divorce process on my road to recovery and freedom.”

I will never understand fully, or even begin to comprehend Scott’s need to destroy me. I understand now its all a part of his underlying sickness. But to this day, it’s still difficult for me to wrap my head around it all. I only hope that he will “Let It Go” one day, allowing me to live in peace and stop using the children as weapons.

Please Scott. Stop.

Why stay in a relationship that is toxic?

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Why Did I Stay? 

Why did I stay despite everything?  Many of us get into unhealthy situations because our partners held up a facade. I felt I had met my soul mate — that one special person in the universe just for me. It’s no surprise that I fell in love with someone like that! Scott once seemed perfect, but once I was married the relationship changed slowly over time due to children being born, job changes, and other major life changes.  Eventually I began to see a completely different side of him.  It was clear that I had married Dr. Jekyll and was living with Mr. Hyde, or the Supreme Being. The person who once seemed perfect became an angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical narcissistic psychopath.  Sure there were warning signs from the very beginning, but I was in love and felt an obligation to stay. Plus the sex was off the charts.

For most people in abusive relationships, we carry around with us internal obligations that tend to make us want to stay in the relationship. One being the feeling of love for our partner. These feelings can persist and be very strong even when our partner doesn’t give or show us love in return.  We stay because of the few crumbs fed to us along the way with words of affirmation and/or actions along the way.  Like a carrot dangling at the end of a rope.  The second is a feeling of responsibility and obligation to our partner, our family, and even others beyond that. Our disordered partners often work hard to build up this feeling of obligation, hoping it will keep us locked in despite the way they mistreat us. 

I also stayed because of the way Scott’s manipulative behavior effected how I viewed myself.  He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed Scott to keep his control over me.  Scott projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through Scott’s ruses.  I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions.  I allowed Scott’s behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for good reason.  When I did stand up to Scott, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically.  I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries. 

 Scott started the negative comments and hammered them home until I believed it entirely. When you start to feel so low and worthless, you genuinely believe that they are your best option. You believe that no one else will ever love or accept you because that’s what they’ve conditioned you to think – even friends won’t accept you. Because of that, you fear the thought of being alone (one of my greatest fears).  You think no one else will fill the gap in your heart that has been pried wide open with manipulation and malicious criticism. You fear that all the insults and criticisms were true. I let harsh words and his poisoned opinions rule my thinking. 

Alienation was also a major factor why I didn’t leave. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I just couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently it was easy for Scott to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves.  We relied solely on Scott’s income. My career was long gone.  I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe.  

The rest was fear, plain and simple.  Fear of the unknown and Scott’s continuous threats I’d heard so often:  if I ever left, he would leave me with nothing and ruin my relationship with the children.  Scott did exactly that.  But I did survive, and I hope that our children will one day come to understand his illness and forgive me for staying as long as I did in a toxic relationship that ultimately dragged them into the middle. 

We often stay in abusive relationships for reasons that are healthy, even though the situation isn’t.  Scott projected his insecurities as a detached parent onto me making me question my sanity and parenting abilities, the very thing that mattered to me the most. Then there was my internal conflict to keep the family unit intact for the children.  But soon I realized while my vows were pulling me in one direction, the need to care for myself and my children in the other direction had to be my priority. I had to save myself and my spirit if I was going to take care of our children, stopping this dysfunctional modeling, hoping they would learn what a healthy relationship is eventually. 

When we think about making major changes in our lives, our thoughts naturally go to the world around us. We not only want to do what is right in principle; we also want to do what others will approve of. I guess one of the things that surprised me most in my educational journey was how strong this feeling was for me. I was always a people pleaser, needing validation and social acceptance. I hated being alone. I was really carrying around a strong feeling that an awful lot of people would judge what I did, especially living in such a small community. Even writing my book/blog, I worried what others may think knowing what happened behind the closed doors of our seemingly perfect Facebook life. 

I felt shame and embarrassment; I never thought I would get divorced, no matter what Scott did to me.  I had to work hard to get a handle on this. In reality, people didn’t really care. The negative judgment from others really isn’t there. The thought that I am a good mother because I kept my family unit intact needed to be set aside, replaced with thoughts that are centered in more basic ideas. “I am a good mother” because I care about my children. Now I have the courage and ability to hopefully be a role model to my children. I want them to also be free from their father’s manipulation to truthfully assess the goodness of their lives. I am a “good person” because I love and care for myself, my children, and for others.  

It’s time to believe.

Believe . . .

To accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth.  

Hold (something) as an opinion; think or suppose.  

Believe in yourself, your intuition, your courage, your strength, your future.

 

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My Lightbulb Moment

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It was the last day of our Florida vacation.  I was running late.  All five of us, Scott, our children, and I, were crammed into a small hotel room with two double beds and a blow-up mattress. Our kids varied in age from twelve to twenty-one, and we were all ready for some space. The kids were in the hotel room and everyone was fighting and arguing. Our two oldest children were speaking to me like Scott always does — with complete disrespect. They learned it from him.  Or maybe I should say they never learned respect from him.  Then, I snapped.

I couldn’t breathe.  I was in tears and trying to keep my temper intact.  

Maybe it’s a panic attack?  

I don’t know.  I’ve never had one before.  

 “I‘m not feeling well,” I told Scott when he entered the room with his drink in hand, stepping over luggage and strewn clothes everywhere. “Something’s wrong.”

It was Scott’s responsibility to plan our anniversary dinner that evening, which turned out to be dinner with our kids and his mother and her husband. Our marriage counselor had suggested we take turns planning a date night, and it was Scott’s turn that night on our anniversary. I wasn’t expecting any grand gestures, but I was hanging on to hope by a thread.  I hoped that Scott would make an effort, knowing I already had one foot out the door.  I had met with the YWCA Domestic Abuse Advocate a few months earlier after Scott had beaten me — again.  I had also met with someone at the Personal Protection Order (PPO) office and had also considered filing assault and battery charges at that time.  But Scott professed his love, actually admitting he was wrong for the first time in our nearly 30 years together. I believed him.  

Earlier that day, our family had decided to take a trip up to Captiva Island to enjoy our last day of vacation at the beach.  I was exhausted having tried all week to make our family vacation a happy and memorable one.  It wasn’t easy.  I was hoping to end our last day of vacation on a positive note.  

On our way back to the hotel after the beach, Scott and Lindsey, our daughter, were arguing.  I tried time-outs, but tempers continued to flare. Cooper, our youngest son, was in tears in the backseat of the car as Scott and Lindsey got louder and louder.  In an attempt to divert or stop the argument, I suggested that Scott pull over at a nearby beach. I said that I wanted to search for driftwood, hoping we could all just breathe. Scott agreed, and our daughter, grateful for the reprieve, joined me.  

After we got out, Scott decided that he didn’t want to stay. He sped off with a sting of gravel spraying in our faces.  It was a blistering hot afternoon, so we waved the cloud of gravel dust from our eyes and headed down a narrow path to the beach, with the understanding Scott would be back in an hour to pick us up.  I was hoping that would give everyone enough time to calm down.  It was a small beach, just under and around a small bridge.  There was parking for a handful of cars.  You couldn’t walk far and there wasn’t much to see as we ventured out, but I thought there may be a few pieces of driftwood, as it was an outlet to the ocean.  There were a few other people hanging out, fishing or taking in the sunshine.  Lindsey and I wandered awhile, then took a few pictures — she wanted a couple good photos of herself from our vacation.

Hot, tired, and thirsty we were disappointed that Scott never returned as promised, as it was now well-past an hour. I repeatedly called him and got no answer. Two hours later, needing a bathroom desperately, I called his mother. I asked her to tell Scott we were ready to be picked up.  Scott was not happy. Not only had I called his mother, but he was going to miss happy hour at sunset on the last day of our vacation.

 Okay.  

Now back in the hotel room the five of us were getting ready in a mad dash. We wanted to be on time for our anniversary dinner with his mother.  I was last in the shower with only a few minutes to throw myself together, thanks to our teenage daughter. The kids were being disrespectful and argumentative with me.  Instead of defending me and correcting their behavior, Scott jumped on the bandwagon with them. 

That’s when the light bulb came on.  That one defining moment was like the final drop of water into a billion drops collected over time that creates a flood.  The gates opened and there was no stopping it.   For the first time I dialed in and listened — listened to my inner spirit who was screaming with fire, fury and frustration.  Moved by such an extreme feeling of discontent I knew I had to do something.  Fueled by powers of prayer, I had a moment of clarity.  It was crystal clear.

To an outsider, it may have seemed like nothing.  So what?  A crappy day; dinner with the mother-in-law; no roses.  Big deal.  But inside, it was the culmination of years of abuse.  My heart and soul were screaming.  It was time to protect what little I had left of myself.  It was fight or flight — the physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. 

The very foundation of our marriage was broken.Living in my comfort zone was easy.  But as I sat there on the creaky, old hotel bed, I felt like I was buried in a pile of rubble, unable to breath.  The walls were crumbling around me.  No longer able to detach and deny, I accepted the truth.  My reality.  With this discontent rising up like a kettle about to blow, I knew that something had to change.  I had to change.  No more brokenness.  No more abuse. I needed to rebuild my life, not just for me, but for our children.

Not wanting the kids to see my distress, I told them to go ahead to dinner with Grandma and her husband without me.  I wasn’t feeling well and went into the bathroom and wept.  Scott knew I wasn’t ok, but it was apparent that I didn’t matter to him.  

“Suit yourself,” he said, leaving to take the kids to dinner. 

Now, I know that Scott is a narcissistic psychopath.  The universe is all about him and how things affect him.  But I didn’t know that then.  That night I gave Scott many opportunities to help me keep US together – a last-ditch effort to show me he could be different. That he could still change my mind and save the marriage.  Was I overreacting?  I didn’t think so.

A short while later, Scott texted me, “There’s a wait for the table.  I can come get you if you’re finally ready?” 

Again, I explained, “I’mnot ok.” I really wasn’t.  I couldn’t catch my breath and felt like I was going to faint, breaking into a cold sweat.   I knew what I had to do.  Scott only got angrier.  How dare I stand him up on our anniversary; in front of his mother, no less!

“I can’t believe you’re acting like a child.  What am I supposed to tell my mother?” he said angrily. He wasn’t worried about me.  It was all about him.  

That’s when I knew I needed some space. I couldn’t fathom getting back on the plane the next day with Scott and kids bound for home. 

So, I told Scott, “I’m leaving.”  

 “What do you mean?  You’re over-reacting, being selfish.  You’re making a big deal out of nothing,”  he texted. Something I’ve heard all too often.

 “I need some space, time to think,” I replied.  He didn’t respond like some might, begging me to stay or making any effort to be reasonable.  

Instead he said, “You’re a terrible wife and mother.  How dare you abandon us. You need help, you’re a crazy bi**h.”  That was it.  My proverbial last straw.I collected myself as best Icould, packed my bags, and called an Uber driver, letting the hotel room door close behind me.  quote 8