When you’re navigating a new relationship, things can feel exciting, intoxicating—even too good to be true. But if you’ve ever found yourself questioning your worth, your memory, or your reality… you’re not alone. Many of us have been charmed, manipulated, or emotionally disarmed by someone who, beneath the surface, was more interested in control than connection.
This isn’t about blame. This is about empowerment. The more we understand the tactics and language used by narcissists, the better we can protect ourselves—and others—from emotional harm.
So, if you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Is it just me, or is something off?” — here are the red flags and words to watch out for.
💣 1. Love Bombing: “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”
In the early stages, a narcissist may seem like the partner of your dreams. They’ll say things like:
- “I’ve never felt this way before.”
- “You’re my soulmate.”
- “We’re perfect together.”
- “I knew the moment I met you.”
It feels romantic—but it’s often strategic. They want you emotionally invested fast, before their true behavior surfaces.
You might hear:
“Tell me everything about you—I want to know your fears, your dreams, your past.”
And at first, it feels safe. But soon, they’ll use those vulnerabilities against you. When the mask slips, the charm turns into criticism, jealousy, and control.
🧠 2. Gaslighting: “You’re imagining things.”
Gaslighting is emotional manipulation that makes you doubt your own reality. You might start to wonder if you’re too sensitive, too emotional, or just plain wrong. Classic gaslighting phrases include:
- “You’re crazy.”
- “You’re remembering it wrong.”
- “I never said that.”
- “You’re making something out of nothing.”
- “I didn’t know your memory was so bad.”
They’ll twist the truth so often that you start questioning yourself. You may begin apologizing for things that weren’t your fault—just to keep the peace.
🪞3. Blame-Shifting: “It’s not my fault.”
A narcissist rarely takes responsibility for their actions. If they talk about their past relationships, listen closely. Do they say things like:
- “All my exes were toxic.”
- “She was crazy.”
- “No one’s ever treated me right.”
Eventually, they’ll start talking about you that way, too.
Even during arguments, they may say:
- “You’re the reason I act like this.”
- “You made me angry.”
- “If you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have to react this way.”
That’s not accountability. That’s manipulation.
🚫 4. Dismissiveness & Contempt: “You’re too sensitive.”
When you express hurt, disappointment, or a need for connection, watch for contempt disguised as honesty:
- “You’re being dramatic.”
- “You’re too emotional.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It was just a joke—don’t be so sensitive.”
They may roll their eyes, mock your tone, or talk down to you. Over time, you may start to feel small, foolish, or even ashamed for expressing basic emotional needs.
But here’s the truth: your feelings are valid. Full stop.
😡 5. Rage & Punishment: “This is why no one puts up with you.”
When narcissists feel challenged, they often respond with anger or cruelty. You might hear:
- “You’re a bitch.”
- “You’re lucky I even put up with you.”
- “Everyone else thinks you’re difficult too.”
- “You always ruin everything.”
They lash out to regain power, especially when you’ve set a boundary or stood up for yourself. Over time, they may train you to stay silent just to avoid their wrath.
💬 6. Control Disguised as Concern: “I’m just trying to protect you.”
They might discourage you from seeing certain friends or family members, saying things like:
- “They don’t really care about you.”
- “They’re jealous of what we have.”
- “I just think you’re better off without them.”
At first, it may sound like care—but it’s often the beginning of isolation. The more separated you are from people who support and empower you, the more dependent you become on them.
You might also hear:
- “All we need is each other.”
- “You’re my soulmate.”
- “No one understands us like we do.”
These phrases can sound romantic—until you realize they’re being used to shut out the rest of the world and create a closed system of control. When one person becomes the gatekeeper of your time, energy, and identity, that’s not intimacy—it’s emotional captivity.
🧨 7. Backhanded Apologies: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
True apologies take ownership. Narcissists avoid that at all costs. Instead, you may hear:
- “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way.”
- “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.”
- “I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”
- “I guess I can’t say anything around you anymore.”
These are not apologies—they’re weapons disguised as peace offerings.
🎯 8. Poking the Bear: “Wow. Look how toxic you are.”
When you finally react—after being pushed, baited, or verbally attacked—they’ll say:
- “You’re the abusive one.”
- “You’ve got serious issues.”
- “You need help.”
- “I can’t believe you’re acting like this.”
They provoke your emotional response, then flip the script to play the victim. This cycle keeps you in defense mode while they stay in control.
🧍♀️ The Real Problem Isn’t You
It’s easy to internalize all of this—to think:
“Maybe I am too sensitive.”
“Maybe if I just try harder, things will go back to how they were.”
But the truth is: you are not too much. You are not too emotional. You are not the problem.
What you are… is worthy of:
- Respect
- Safety
- Emotional honesty
- Kindness
- Mutual care
And that’s the bare minimum in a healthy relationship.
🛑 You Can’t Heal in a Place That Keeps Hurting You
When you set boundaries, narcissists may call you:
- “Too difficult”
- “A drama queen”
- “A bitch”
But healthy people won’t punish you for having limits—they’ll respect you more for it.
You don’t need to argue your worth to anyone. You don’t need to prove that your feelings are real. You just need to recognize when someone is trying to control, manipulate, or emotionally exhaust you.
And then, you need to choose you.
If any of these phrases felt familiar, take it as a sign. Not of failure—but of awakening. You are not broken. You are becoming aware.
And that’s where your healing begins.
Year of Thorns 