Tag: relationships

Emotional Manipulation Tactic #12 – Fear

1 Comment
grayscale photography of human skull

Photo by ahmed adly on Pexels.com

Fear can be paralyzing, especially when we are stepping into the unknown. It’s one thing to think about making changes in your life (divorce). Or even deciding to make changes (to leave). But the real kicker comes when it’s time actually to make those changes happen (to move out). And that, my friend, is where all of us run smack into fear. It can be totally paralyzng. The Narcissist FEED on that fear, making you believe that you can’t make it on your own, that you’re not worthy. Then there’s the fear of what if’s. Can I make a living? How long will the divorce process take? Is it best for the children? Can I afford the fight? You can bet your last dollar that the narcissist will threaten to take away the children, threaten to leave you with nothing and tell you that no one will ever love you again.  

He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed him to keep his control over me. He projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through his ruses. I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions. I allowed his behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for a good reason. When I did stand up to him, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically. I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries.

I was also afraid of being alone, pure and simple.  Alienation was a significant factor why I stayed as long as I did. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently is was easy for him to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves. We relied solely on his income. My career was long gone. I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe. How would I support myself and my children?

His controlling and abusive behavior didn’t end when I finally found the courage to leave.  In fact, it got worse.  Much worse. I had no money of my own, and for the sake of the children, I was forced to stay in the marital home during the divorce process when he refused to leave.  I suffered through stalking, verbal and physical violence, hidden cameras, and  flamboyant and unpunished violations of court orders.  I lived in a House of Horrors and was imprisoned in a dungeon built by his malice

With the help of his greedy and unscrupulous lawyer, he coldly and masterfully orchestrated devastating attacks designed to make me look crazy and violent in attempts to get custody of the kids he hardly even knew.  The police were called to our home (10) times during our year of divorce.  He lied, cheated, and stole.  He staged more than (33) events and recorded them as false “evidence”.  He dragged me into a maelstrom of Machiavellian schemes designed to isolate me from everything I had known and loved.

But to his chagrin, I survived – thrived once free from his control!  Once I determined to knock those walls down, everything started to focus into a plan, albeit slowly testing my patience. I chose to jump out of that pot of boiling water and began to take control of my life. Yes, MY life – not his, not our kids, but MINE. By eliminating the ignorance of the “what ifs” and fear of the unknown, I began to eliminate the anguish allowing myself to make my own choices, move forward one battle at a time and change my life, piece by piece.

Once I accepted that fact and that I deserved better, then I could begin my road to recovery, feeding my spirit that so desperately wanted to be happy. I changed my thinking process entirely, working diligently to “Let Go” all those evil thoughts and memories that were conditioned in me, allowing me to accept MY truth and MY reality. I wasn’t crazy! I’m an amazing mother, and I did the best I could. No regrets. Move forward.

Hopefully readers, through my journey, learn a few things about the divorce process and that the only winners in this game were the attorneys. But I did win in some ways. By understanding my light bulb moment, I overcame my fear of leaving my invisible prison; I realized that I was abused by the person I loved, who truly didn’t love me back.  He wasn’t capable o loving me as a person; he only loved what I could do for him.

To this day, he continues to threaten me – to sue me over my Blog.  Once again, his perception is that the world (and my blog) are all about him.  However, according to the Judge during one of our numerous court hearings (three years later still continuing), that I have the constitutional right to tell my story, my truth.

And so I write, not to defame or disparage. I choose to share my experiences to inspire others how to break free of an abusive partner while learning to identify common manipulative tactics of the narcissistic type and how to deal with them.

It’s so crucial for women to speak their truth, which is the most powerful tool. By sharing my journey through my Year of Thorns, I hope inspires others like me to stand up to the injustice, bullies, and tyrants, who made us victims. Abuse in all forms is wrong.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, get out. It’s not healthy for you or the children. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER!  For those out there who are depressed or scared in a toxic relationship and fearful of the unknown, know there’s hope at the end of the rainbow, even in the worst of times. Hold onto that inner spark of strength; have faith in your guardian angels; and listen to your inner spirit, who will guide you.

Slowly over time, you will began to identify their emotional manipulative tactics.  YOU will learn not to engage or accept those devaluing messages thrown your way. As long as you stay true to yourself, your beliefs and all that you hold to be true in your heart, YOU will find power in your passion. YOU will be victorious, independent and free no longer harnessed by fear or control!

In Steve Maraboli’s Unapologetically You, he writes “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, you are here and now with the power to shape your day and your future. You only get one life.”

As you gain clarity about who you truly are, not by how others define you, you can become who you are meant to be.  As Oprah once said, “You don’t become what you want. You become what you believe.” Believe in yourself.

Emotional Manipulation #5 – Guilt Trip 

Leave a comment
photography of a person pointing on something

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Narcissists are able to manipulate others so well because they are continually on the lookout for our vulnerabilities.  Once they hone in on what’s important to you, they will use those things against us.  Some examples of vulnerabilities might be our children, any self-esteem issues or insecurities we might have (weight, appearance, etc.), or fears – such as being alone or threats of violating court orders and finances in my case.  Money was a major issue during our divorce.

The narcissistic psychopath will place a guilt trip on you when they want you to do something for them. They will make note of all the sacrifices they have made for you, the gestures they have made for you, and any minuscule compliment they have paid you. Your actions should be in recognition and repayment of those things. And when you refuse to comply or pay up, they claim it is your fault, with no other choice available but to comply and wield to their wishes. 

It’s all your fault.  Somehow in someway, his cheating, lying, and other bad behavior is also your fault.  Perhaps he’s telling you that you needed to be home more, or to spend more time with him, lose weight, gain weight, dress sexier, dress less sexy–whatever.  According to him, his behavior is your fault. (This is the classic, “Look at what you made me do.”)

I can remember one perfect example where my narcissistic partner used guilt as his weapon of choice to get me to wield to his will.  We were living in the same house during our divorce.  Regardless of our agreement that we would each have our own separate bedrooms; he hated losing that one piece of control over me.  He would constantly pick my bedroom lock breaking in, insisting it was HIS house, HIS room, and HE should have access to my bedroom anytime HE wished.  So after numerous times of my privacy being invaded, I had hired a locksmith and installed a pick-proof lock.

I had planned to get away for a few days, leaving for the weekend.  Prior to my departure, my narcissistic partner insisted that I leave my bedroom door unlocked, providing him full access. Using guilt as an emotional tactic he stated, “If you don’t leave the door open when you leave, I will call a locksmith and personally charge you the $300 that it cost to open it.”  He was going to charge me for HIS breaking into my bedroom!

He knew I was concerned about the finances.  His spending was out of control. Yet, every minute of every day he was claiming that I was the one violating the court’s status quo order, holding threats of motions over me.    Pouncing on my vulnerability and fears, I fell for his guilt trip hook, line and sinker.  I welded to his wishes and left my door unlocked. He had guilted me into thinking it was my fault he had to hire a locksmith to break into my personal bedroom!

He also tried many times after that to punish me using guilt where our children were concerned. After various court appearances, regardless of his illegal activities and high priced attorney, it was my fault he was spending so much money on our divorce.  Then telling our son he could no longer afford to help with his rent one week before it was due because it was my fault.

The same day we signed our settlement agreement, after much negotiation, he stated “I hope you’re happy, I can’t afford to support our children’s education because of you.”  When I wouldn’t agree to his demands, he followed through on his threats telling the children all their college funds were gone because again it was apparently all my fault.

Deep down I knew it wasn’t true, but he had hit below the belt where it hurt most – our kids.  And he would continue to do so over the months that followed, trying to guilt me especially where our children were concerned.  He stayed true to his threats over the years, that if I ever left he would leave me with nothing, and turn my own children against me.  He certainly tried.  Alienation and disparagement are also common tactics the narcissist commonly use.

Once you learn these manipulative tactics, they’re easy to spot.  However, not always easy to control your way of responding to those actions that have been conditioned over the years. Especially when they prey upon your fears and vulnerabilities.  Stay true to what you know – what you feel is your truth.  And as I quote Disney’s Elsa “Let it go” as best you can.  You’re not crazy or delusional.  You have a right to your own opinions, beliefs and integrity.  Believe in yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotional Manipulation #4 – Setting Smoke Screens

Leave a comment
blue and white smoke digital wallpaper

Photo by Rafael Guajardo on Pexels.com

Narcissist throw a smoke screen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic. Narcissist don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable.  If you really want to talk about the issue that’s bothering you, you’ll have to  continually try to get back to the subject at hand, which is difficult in the first place.  And then of course there’s the fear of  their reaction.  

When I confronted the narcissist about anything, he would change the subject or make everything seem like a joke.  On one occasion during our divorce, after his constant invasions of my personal space I asked him, “Why do you keep breaking into my room and going through my personal files?” 

The Narcissist replied, “You’re the one that abandoned the family,” completely changing the subject in attempt to shift the blame. If I complained about his neglectful parenting, he would point out a mistake or event that happened years ago.   Somehow he would turn the tables on me.  

When I asked the narcissist about his non-status quo purchases during our divorce, he replied, “Why don’t you get a job so you can pay for all your drinking with your new boyfriend.” I wasn’t out drinking and I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time.  It was frustrating to say the least.  But over time I began to learn and recognize the pattern and his smoke screens.    It’s not me.  I’m not crazy.  

I also learned there’s no arguing with the silver tongued devil.  I would never win, nor would I ever get the answers to my questions through his smoke and mirrors.

Certified Financial Divorce Advisor (CDFA)

Leave a comment
money pink coins pig

Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

January Journal Continued  . . .

It was time to put my support team together.  After loads of research I learned there was such a thing as a Certified Financial Divorce Advisor.  That was exactly what I needed. I was still working on the hundreds of interrogatory questions and needed help, especially with the financial portion.  And so I hired a Renee, and asked her to review our taxes since, when living abroad, were very complex.  Scott’s company had provided the firm KPMG to prepare them annually. And I had many, many questions.

CDFA

The role of a Certified Divorce Financial Advisor (CDFA) is to assist the client and lawyer how the financial decisions made today will impact the client’s future.  And, after divorce how to best position your assets.

Back when we lived in Puerto Rico, Scott told me that KPMG had miscalculated our taxes as part of the tax equalization process and we owed $60,000.  I was shocked.  That was nearly our entire savings and we supposedly had to pay that money back to The Company. In all the years since, it never sat right with me.  Our taxes had always been around just a few thousand dollars that we either owed or received in return, not $60,000!  And the check for the payment was written to our local bank, not to the IRS, not to The Company.  When I had questioned Scott about it then, I was dismissed.  Scott said, “You don’t understand finances. You’re stupid when it comes to numbers.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  So now I asked Renee to look for that transaction and documentation.  Nothing.  I then asked my attorney, Bob, to add that to a second set of interrogatory questions for Scott.  

When Scott saw I’d hired the CDFA (using our joint accounts), in retaliation he began bombarding me with requests for my business records and receipts.  I crafted as a hobby and for stress relief.  I was crafting like crazy at the time!  Sometimes I would sell my wares at craft shows.  I spent more on supplies then what I made back in sales.  But Scott always refused to claim my income, concerned that it would raise red flags with the IRS.  Then Scott accused me stating, “I know you’re hiding money.  You’re a spending whore,” amongst other choice insults.  My hiring Renee spooked Scott — he was unusually assertive and angry. 

Renee was a huge help.  But I never got the answer about the missing $60,000 from Puerto Rico.  All of our Puerto Rico bank statements also mysteriously disappeared at that time during the divorce. We even went so far as to subpoena the Puerto Rican Banks. They refused to respond stating they were a US territory and needn’t comply with US rules and regulations.  Later I also hired a PI – to look for hidden funds.  Just for a domestic sweep (within the US) cost $750.  To do an international sweep I was told would cost thousands – thousands I didn’t have access to at the time.  I’m sure Scott got away with it all.  Living internationally, it was easy for Scott to stash cash.

 

 

Chicago Bound

Leave a comment
river between trees and city skyscrapers

Photo by heather bozman on Pexels.com

January Journal Continued . . . 

I needed a break and I needed to get my finances in order which meant meeting with our bank branch in Chicago. Road trip time.  For the first time in months I actually smiled and felt a thousand pounds lighter leaving behind all that baggage — and Scott.  I couldn’t wait to be free.

Before I left, Scott sent a text demanding I leave the master bedroom door unlocked.  It was His room, His bed.  Of course I refused.  I hadn’t worked hours upon hours moving all his belonging to the guest room for no reason.  Who knows what he would do now – possibly start selling off my jewelry?  Hack my files?  Who knows! His erratic behavior and outburst were anything but status quo. Scott scared me. And he didn’t like it when I didn’t obey his demands.

Another text from Scott followed with, “Don’t tell anyone while on your ‘visit’ that we’re getting divorced.  It may impact my career.” I’m sure Scott doesn’t want me telling any of our friends about our impending divorce.  Besides, I don’t believe for one moment that a major Fortune 500 company will fire an employee for getting divorced.  It was all about his ego, and Scott’s need to maintain the perfect image.

Secret Mission

I went to stay with our friends Tim and Alyssa Johnson.  We met 26 years ago when Scott started working for “The Cereal Company” the same time as Tim.  They have continued to be our dear friends ever since. We visited them constantly over the years after we moved away.  They even managed to visit us while living abroad in both Ireland and the Caribbean. 

Now while staying with them in Chicago, I confided in Alyssa about the divorce.  She wasn’t surprised having known us for so many years and the struggles I’ve endured.  I asked her not to tell her husband, Tim, initially about the divorce.  First, I wanted to quiz him about the various savings and investment plans The Company offered.  Tim was close to the same level in The Company as Scott and I needed to know exactly what investments that entailed. So, over the next few days I cleverly worked in various questions about the plans and retirement programs that they were both participating in and took meticulous notes.  

Inside Scoop

Shortly after filing for divorce I’d reached out to another Company wife, Kim who had recently signed her Judgment of Divorce.  She had a difficult divorce as well, and warned me early on, even bringing me a journal instructing me to write down everything during the process. I am forever grateful to Kim for her advice and gift that day.  It’s the same journal I am referring to now.  She indicated that her ex-husband had failed to disclose a few of those retirement plans during their divorce. To her dismay, there was nothing she could do now to recoup those lost funds.  Knowing what had happened to Kim, I wasn’t about to let that happen to me as well and so I drilled Tim for information as best I could.

Retaliation 

Scott continued to inundate me with messages while I was in Chicago, now proclaiming that he was taking the kids to Florida for spring break among other things.  We had discussed this before and had agreed that, because our daughter had won the state competition for DECA, she was going to go to California for the national competition.  We simply couldn’t afford to do both.  Besides, we had agreed that she couldn’t take that much time away from both her high school and college classes. Scott just wants to punish me for going to Chicago. It was ok for him to travel and go on numerous “guy trips” each year.  But not ok for me to even take a weekend away.  That was his retaliation.  

(Scott claimed later that every time I left the house I was abandoning the family – even when I would drive an hour away to meet with my attorney.  He would state this repeatedly in our child custody and arbitration hearings.)

I spent a few blissful days with the Johnson’s free from obligations and divorce able to exercise my free will and just go with it.  I can’t remember the last time I did that.  I also made the rounds and visited a few other friends from the old neighborhood where we used to live in the Chicago suburbs.  Finally I met with our banking account executive and got access to the accounts online and a working ATM card. I informed him of our divorce and asked that he alert me if Scott made any other changes to our account. 

(I am surprised that our bank neglected to inform me that Scott had made special arrangements to cash out our E*Trade stocks at that local branch receiving $71,000 in cash just a few days prior.)

Moving Day

Leave a comment
close up of row

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

January Journal Continued . . . 

I was exhausted by Scott’s continuous efforts to pick my bedroom lock, always having some lame excuse; claiming he needed access to the thermostat, the medicine in the cupboard or something else.  Our therapist Sally reached out to him, reminding Scott of our agreement that he would reside in the guest room. Finally forced to acknowledge our agreement, he was now procrastinating moving his stuff to the guest room stating he didn’t have time due to work constraints.

I couldn’t take another sleepless night by that point, and so that morning I proclaimed it moving day.    I called a locksmith who assured me that the new lock he installed was “pick-proof.”  After the locksmith left, since Scott refused to move his belongings to the guest room, out of the kindness of my heart (and for my sanity) I moved everything.

Initially I considered throwing everything out the windows like you see on TV. But that would mean violating the MSQ/MRO orders if I removed anything of his from the house.  Instead, I packed up Scott’s clothes and personal items and moved them to the basement, two floors below, taking one step at a time.  Stairs were difficult since my second knee replacement revision.  It took me hours and many, many trips, but worth every bead of sweat to get him out of my personal space. Being a bit obsessive-compulsive, I actually color-coordinated all of his hanging clothes and put the others neatly in the dressers.  Anything that didn’t fit or wasn’t seasonal I put into moving boxes and labeled each one accordingly. I then wrote Scott a letter and posted it on the master bedroom door explaining my actions. I asked him to respect our agreement so we could move ahead peacefully and amicably. 

When Scott returned home later that evening and saw the new lock I had installed on my bedroom door, he lost it and angrily began banging on my bedroom door. I was thankful that both the children were away, and tried to ignore his temper tantrum as he shouted, “You have no right to move my stuff!”  Further adding “It’s my house and my bedroom!”  He accused me of violating the MSQ/MRO orders, even going so far as to make a copy of the Orders and sliding them under my bedroom door.  Imagine what would have happened had I thrown all his stuff out the window! 

I felt safe for the first time in a long, long while having the new lock in place. I slept well that night. But that didn’t last long.  

Scott would later claim in court that I  threw all his clothes down the stairs. Thankfully, I took photos of all of his items that I had neatly moved, hung and put away.

Now What?

Leave a comment
anniversary beautiful birthday bloom

Photo by Nubia Navarro (nubikini) on Pexels.com

December 28th – (After my lightbulb moment) Happy Anniversary

Once I made the conscious to decision to leave Scott, letting the hotel screen door slam as I walked out, I wiped my tears and pulled myself together.

I was eerily calm riding in the back of the beat up old Uber van. The driver barely spoke English and couldn’t find the hotel I booked last minute. I had called my brother, who has a place in Marco Island. He said I could stay with him for a few days while I figure out next steps. So I picked a hotel midway between Sanibel Island and Marco, near the airport in Naples where my brother graciously offered to pick me up in the morning.

After Scott left me in full panic mode in that small hotel room to go have dinner with his mother and kids, his last words echoed over and over. “Suit yourself. You’re being selfish. You’re overreacting. You’re a horrible wife and mother. How dare you abandon your family. You’re a fucking psycho bitch.” Plus much, much more. Happy Anniversary.

Then the messages started rolling in from Scott. Most would think your partner of 30 years would be worried. Show concern. Ask if I was ok. Beg me to come back. Or, even give me space to breath. Nope. Instead I was inundated with hateful, spiteful, messages. Even lists. List of all the times he ‘claims’ I left the family. Lists of times he claimed I overreacted. Lists upon lists of mean, hurtful, hateful words.

It was abuse – verbal and mental abuse at its finest. I’d already come to recognize the signs having read Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” that really started it all on my path to understanding and breaking free. (If you haven’t read it, you should.) More on that to follow.

Both Scott and the kids had the following week off for “winter break.” So, I knew I wouldn’t be putting a burden on anyone with my absence. I just couldn’t fathom getting on that plane tomorrow. It’s difficult to explain how strong the feeling was — like a lightening bolt hitting me with complete clarity. Call it sick sense, panic attack, divine intervention, who knows. I had no doubt whatsoever I was doing the right thing. I knew I had to make a change and now. My life depended on it.

It didn’t really hit me until the kids called after their dinner. They wanted to know where I went. All I could think to say was that I wasn’t feeling well and decided to stay with my brother and family in Florida for a few more days while they headed back to the arctic tundra where we now reside in Michigan.

Now in the airport hotel room, the tears began to flow. This time in great waves. I cried for my children. I had stayed in this marriage thinking that by keeping the family unit intact, I was helping them.  Instead, I was doing the opposite.  I had hoped this vacation would bring us all closer together.  But it only verified what I knew to be true but couldn’t accept; our family was dysfunctional.  That’s not the message I want our children growing up with any longer.

I cried that my marriage had come to an end. The very foundation of my marriage was broken and couldn’t be fixed.  That became abundantly clear when my knight in shining armor wouldn’t go to battle for me.  He didn’t want to put a mark on that glossy veneer.  Scott’s threats over the years haunted me. He said he would destroy me if I ever found the courage to leave. And I believed him.  I cried because I was scared as hell. Now what?

Why stay in a relationship that is toxic?

Leave a comment

 

Why Did I Stay? 

Why did I stay despite everything?  Many of us get into unhealthy situations because our partners held up a facade. I felt I had met my soul mate — that one special person in the universe just for me. It’s no surprise that I fell in love with someone like that! Scott once seemed perfect, but once I was married the relationship changed slowly over time due to children being born, job changes, and other major life changes.  Eventually I began to see a completely different side of him.  It was clear that I had married Dr. Jekyll and was living with Mr. Hyde, or the Supreme Being. The person who once seemed perfect became an angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical narcissistic psychopath.  Sure there were warning signs from the very beginning, but I was in love and felt an obligation to stay. Plus the sex was off the charts.

For most people in abusive relationships, we carry around with us internal obligations that tend to make us want to stay in the relationship. One being the feeling of love for our partner. These feelings can persist and be very strong even when our partner doesn’t give or show us love in return.  We stay because of the few crumbs fed to us along the way with words of affirmation and/or actions along the way.  Like a carrot dangling at the end of a rope.  The second is a feeling of responsibility and obligation to our partner, our family, and even others beyond that. Our disordered partners often work hard to build up this feeling of obligation, hoping it will keep us locked in despite the way they mistreat us. 

I also stayed because of the way Scott’s manipulative behavior effected how I viewed myself.  He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed Scott to keep his control over me.  Scott projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through Scott’s ruses.  I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions.  I allowed Scott’s behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for good reason.  When I did stand up to Scott, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically.  I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries. 

 Scott started the negative comments and hammered them home until I believed it entirely. When you start to feel so low and worthless, you genuinely believe that they are your best option. You believe that no one else will ever love or accept you because that’s what they’ve conditioned you to think – even friends won’t accept you. Because of that, you fear the thought of being alone (one of my greatest fears).  You think no one else will fill the gap in your heart that has been pried wide open with manipulation and malicious criticism. You fear that all the insults and criticisms were true. I let harsh words and his poisoned opinions rule my thinking. 

Alienation was also a major factor why I didn’t leave. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I just couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently it was easy for Scott to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves.  We relied solely on Scott’s income. My career was long gone.  I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe.  

The rest was fear, plain and simple.  Fear of the unknown and Scott’s continuous threats I’d heard so often:  if I ever left, he would leave me with nothing and ruin my relationship with the children.  Scott did exactly that.  But I did survive, and I hope that our children will one day come to understand his illness and forgive me for staying as long as I did in a toxic relationship that ultimately dragged them into the middle. 

We often stay in abusive relationships for reasons that are healthy, even though the situation isn’t.  Scott projected his insecurities as a detached parent onto me making me question my sanity and parenting abilities, the very thing that mattered to me the most. Then there was my internal conflict to keep the family unit intact for the children.  But soon I realized while my vows were pulling me in one direction, the need to care for myself and my children in the other direction had to be my priority. I had to save myself and my spirit if I was going to take care of our children, stopping this dysfunctional modeling, hoping they would learn what a healthy relationship is eventually. 

When we think about making major changes in our lives, our thoughts naturally go to the world around us. We not only want to do what is right in principle; we also want to do what others will approve of. I guess one of the things that surprised me most in my educational journey was how strong this feeling was for me. I was always a people pleaser, needing validation and social acceptance. I hated being alone. I was really carrying around a strong feeling that an awful lot of people would judge what I did, especially living in such a small community. Even writing my book/blog, I worried what others may think knowing what happened behind the closed doors of our seemingly perfect Facebook life. 

I felt shame and embarrassment; I never thought I would get divorced, no matter what Scott did to me.  I had to work hard to get a handle on this. In reality, people didn’t really care. The negative judgment from others really isn’t there. The thought that I am a good mother because I kept my family unit intact needed to be set aside, replaced with thoughts that are centered in more basic ideas. “I am a good mother” because I care about my children. Now I have the courage and ability to hopefully be a role model to my children. I want them to also be free from their father’s manipulation to truthfully assess the goodness of their lives. I am a “good person” because I love and care for myself, my children, and for others.  

It’s time to believe.

Believe . . .

To accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth.  

Hold (something) as an opinion; think or suppose.  

Believe in yourself, your intuition, your courage, your strength, your future.

 

quote 2