Retaliation and Manipulation: When a Narcissistic Ex Uses Your Child to Get to You
This fall, my son headed back for his junior year of college. For the third year in a row, I was pressured into fully furnishing his apartment.
What made this year different is that just before all this unfolded, I had reached out to my ex about his ongoing violations of our judgment of divorce — specifically his failure to meet certain financial obligations. Instead of addressing those issues, he retaliated. In retribution, he attacked me financially, pressuring me to assist our son far beyond what I could afford.
One of the most painful aspects of my experience was how the manipulation didn’t stop with my ex’s direct messages to me. He took it a step further initially by using his girlfriend to pressure my daughter, having her reach out and tell my daughter that I needed to “step up” as a mother. This was no accident or casual comment. It was a calculated tactic to drag my children into the conflict and use them as tools to control me emotionally and financially. By turning my children into messengers and pawns, he weaponized them to enforce his demands and deepen the pressure. This classic abusive strategy creates layers of guilt and confusion, making it harder for a mother to set boundaries without feeling she’s failing her children. Understanding this manipulation is key to breaking free from the cycle and protecting both yourself and your kids.
This time, I set a limit. My son had just had last minute shoulder surgery and, with only two weeks’ notice, they told me I needed to fly halfway across the country to help. As a Mother, there’s no place I’d rather be. However, the trip would have cost me thousands of dollars — money I simply didn’t have, especially while supporting our daughter who had recently moved in with me. So I gave my son a choice: I could visit and give him a helping hand for 2 days, (work and travel previously planned with our daughter commitment) or I could put some of that money toward his college expenses. Yet, they twisted both narratives, making it look like I was choosing to support my daughter over our son and that I didn’t care about his wellbeing. It’s an ugly tug of war meant to pull on a Mother’s heart strings.
Somehow, my ex twisted that into a promise to spend much more on his apartment. I’d already kindly offered to help financially with a set amount, and even that was more than I had planned to spend. When I refused to go beyond my limit, the conversation with my ex got ugly crossing all boundaries. I immediately shut it down, telling him I would no longer discuss it with him and would work it out directly with our son.
That’s when my son called me in tears, caught in the middle. I caved. This situation perfectly shows how a narcissist manipulates everyone to get his way. In this case, he wanted me to financially furnish our son’s apartment–something I never committed to and couldn’t afford. But, through guilt and pressure, he not only manipulated me, but also our son, daughter, and even his girlfriend, using them all as pawns.
The Hard Truth About Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
When you divorce a narcissist, the standard advice is: let go, go no-contact, don’t engage. But when you share children, total detachment is often impossible. The connection remains, and the narcissist will use it. One of their most painful tactics is weaponizing your children — using them as messengers, guilt-triggers, or bargaining chips.
How to Protect Yourself (and Your Children)
1. Recognize the Tactic
This is triangulation — bringing a third person into the conflict to exert control. When that third person is your child (and in this case, his girlfriend as well), it’s especially cruel. See it for what it is: manipulation.
2. Keep Your Boundaries Firm
Boundaries are not punishments — they’re acts of self-preservation. Once you set a limit, stick to it. It’s tempting to give in to make the discomfort stop, but each time you do, you teach the narcissist that pushing harder works.
3. Remove Your Child from the Middle
Tell your child calmly: “I know Dad is asking you to talk to me about this, but that’s between him and me. You don’t have to be in the middle.” Protect them from becoming the conduit for adult conflict.
4. Respond, Don’t React
If your ex is baiting you, slow down. Wait before responding. Sometimes, not replying at all is the most powerful move. “No” is a complete sentence.
5. Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t stop the narcissist from trying. You can choose not to play the game. Detach from the outcome and focus on your peace and your child’s emotional safety.
Final Thought
When they weaponize your child, their goal is to pull you back into the chaos. You can’t always prevent the attempts — but you can control your reaction. Hold your boundaries, speak with clarity, and keep your child out of the crossfire. Your sanity — and theirs — is worth protecting.
Every time I stand my ground, even if I stumble, I’m building strength. One step at a time. Believe in yourself.
Year of Thorns 