Tag: family

Emotional Manipulation #4 – Setting Smoke Screens

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Narcissist throw a smoke screen over whatever it is that you bring up and use another issue as a diversion from the actual topic. Narcissist don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable.  If you really want to talk about the issue that’s bothering you, you’ll have to  continually try to get back to the subject at hand, which is difficult in the first place.  And then of course there’s the fear of  their reaction.  

When I confronted the narcissist about anything, he would change the subject or make everything seem like a joke.  On one occasion during our divorce, after his constant invasions of my personal space I asked him, “Why do you keep breaking into my room and going through my personal files?” 

The Narcissist replied, “You’re the one that abandoned the family,” completely changing the subject in attempt to shift the blame. If I complained about his neglectful parenting, he would point out a mistake or event that happened years ago.   Somehow he would turn the tables on me.  

When I asked the narcissist about his non-status quo purchases during our divorce, he replied, “Why don’t you get a job so you can pay for all your drinking with your new boyfriend.” I wasn’t out drinking and I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time.  It was frustrating to say the least.  But over time I began to learn and recognize the pattern and his smoke screens.    It’s not me.  I’m not crazy.  

I also learned there’s no arguing with the silver tongued devil.  I would never win, nor would I ever get the answers to my questions through his smoke and mirrors.

You’ve Been Served

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January 

Now that Scott had sabotaged mimagey attorney, I was in the process of meeting with different law firms to represent me.  I was shocked that most charged for the initial consultation fee ranging from $200 and up.  More than once, Scott said he wanted to keep our divorce private, claiming that he didn’t want his employer to know, as he was afraid it might affect his job.  Scott repeatedly said to me that he wanted a “peaceful” process and preferred that our attorneys work out the details for the divorce. He was so adamant about keeping it quiet I had this eerie feeling he was up to something and I needed an attorney, pronto.

I was a nervous wreck.  It broke my heart that I couldn’t be with my father during his open heart surgery.  Scott was away traveling on another one of his numerous business trips (looking back I don’t think this trip to Dallas was for business).  And, my intuition was right; Scott had already begun to cast his evil web of lies, deceit and illegal activities.  The first was when the phone rang.  It was my sister-in-law, Allison, calling to tell me my father made it through his open heart surgery and is in recovery.  While on the phone, my son, Cooper, came to tell me there was a man at the door. With the phone to my ear getting the run down on my father’s condition, I went to see who was at the door.

The man standing on our front porch turned out to be a process server. He handed me an envelope in front of my son, and said, “You’ve been served divorce papers.”  Imagine if, at that moment, I had been told my father had died! What happened to “letting our attorneys work it out” as Scott said previously? 

I was steaming mad.  I was certain that this was a deliberate attack, planned for the day of my father’s open heart surgery and in front of our son, no less!  Scott also knew I didn’t have an attorney yet.  So much for letting our attorneys work it out.  He was a heartless bastard.  And that was only the beginning. Things quickly got worse; much, much worse.

Later that evening when reading through Scott’s filing for divorce I was dumfounded.  He now claimed that he was divorcing me, due to the fact that I’m mentally unstable, among dozens of other lies and untruths.  I was appalled to read that he also considered himself to be the primary caretaker of our children, (due to my mental instability) and that I had abandoned the family frequently.  I was literally in shock of the contents of his filing.  My original filing for divorce was your basic:  unreconcilable differences, joint custody, blah, blah, blah.  It was abundantly clear now that Scott was out for war.  And that he planned to follow through on his threats to destroy me and take our children away from me.

I also learned that Scott had submitted two other orders along with his petition for divorce.  One being an Ex Parte’ Mutual Restraining Order for the Preservation of the Marital Estate (MRO), and the other, an Ex Parte’ Order to Maintain the Status Quo (MSQ).  These orders stipulated that neither party could remove or sell any marital property or do anything out of the ordinary in our day-to-day activities.  I was fine with that as it protects us both. In fact, I had written something similar into my original filing.  Little did we know at the time, Scott had already begun selling off our E*Trade Stocks – hiding joint marital funds and violating the very MRO/MSQ Orders he had filed. 

Amicable?  Peaceful?  Let our attorneys work it out?  Scott was out to destroy me and I was scared as hell.

 

Now What?

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December 28th – (After my lightbulb moment) Happy Anniversary

Once I made the conscious to decision to leave Scott, letting the hotel screen door slam as I walked out, I wiped my tears and pulled myself together.

I was eerily calm riding in the back of the beat up old Uber van. The driver barely spoke English and couldn’t find the hotel I booked last minute. I had called my brother, who has a place in Marco Island. He said I could stay with him for a few days while I figure out next steps. So I picked a hotel midway between Sanibel Island and Marco, near the airport in Naples where my brother graciously offered to pick me up in the morning.

After Scott left me in full panic mode in that small hotel room to go have dinner with his mother and kids, his last words echoed over and over. “Suit yourself. You’re being selfish. You’re overreacting. You’re a horrible wife and mother. How dare you abandon your family. You’re a fucking psycho bitch.” Plus much, much more. Happy Anniversary.

Then the messages started rolling in from Scott. Most would think your partner of 30 years would be worried. Show concern. Ask if I was ok. Beg me to come back. Or, even give me space to breath. Nope. Instead I was inundated with hateful, spiteful, messages. Even lists. List of all the times he ‘claims’ I left the family. Lists of times he claimed I overreacted. Lists upon lists of mean, hurtful, hateful words.

It was abuse – verbal and mental abuse at its finest. I’d already come to recognize the signs having read Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” that really started it all on my path to understanding and breaking free. (If you haven’t read it, you should.) More on that to follow.

Both Scott and the kids had the following week off for “winter break.” So, I knew I wouldn’t be putting a burden on anyone with my absence. I just couldn’t fathom getting on that plane tomorrow. It’s difficult to explain how strong the feeling was — like a lightening bolt hitting me with complete clarity. Call it sick sense, panic attack, divine intervention, who knows. I had no doubt whatsoever I was doing the right thing. I knew I had to make a change and now. My life depended on it.

It didn’t really hit me until the kids called after their dinner. They wanted to know where I went. All I could think to say was that I wasn’t feeling well and decided to stay with my brother and family in Florida for a few more days while they headed back to the arctic tundra where we now reside in Michigan.

Now in the airport hotel room, the tears began to flow. This time in great waves. I cried for my children. I had stayed in this marriage thinking that by keeping the family unit intact, I was helping them.  Instead, I was doing the opposite.  I had hoped this vacation would bring us all closer together.  But it only verified what I knew to be true but couldn’t accept; our family was dysfunctional.  That’s not the message I want our children growing up with any longer.

I cried that my marriage had come to an end. The very foundation of my marriage was broken and couldn’t be fixed.  That became abundantly clear when my knight in shining armor wouldn’t go to battle for me.  He didn’t want to put a mark on that glossy veneer.  Scott’s threats over the years haunted me. He said he would destroy me if I ever found the courage to leave. And I believed him.  I cried because I was scared as hell. Now what?

Why stay in a relationship that is toxic?

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Why Did I Stay? 

Why did I stay despite everything?  Many of us get into unhealthy situations because our partners held up a facade. I felt I had met my soul mate — that one special person in the universe just for me. It’s no surprise that I fell in love with someone like that! Scott once seemed perfect, but once I was married the relationship changed slowly over time due to children being born, job changes, and other major life changes.  Eventually I began to see a completely different side of him.  It was clear that I had married Dr. Jekyll and was living with Mr. Hyde, or the Supreme Being. The person who once seemed perfect became an angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical narcissistic psychopath.  Sure there were warning signs from the very beginning, but I was in love and felt an obligation to stay. Plus the sex was off the charts.

For most people in abusive relationships, we carry around with us internal obligations that tend to make us want to stay in the relationship. One being the feeling of love for our partner. These feelings can persist and be very strong even when our partner doesn’t give or show us love in return.  We stay because of the few crumbs fed to us along the way with words of affirmation and/or actions along the way.  Like a carrot dangling at the end of a rope.  The second is a feeling of responsibility and obligation to our partner, our family, and even others beyond that. Our disordered partners often work hard to build up this feeling of obligation, hoping it will keep us locked in despite the way they mistreat us. 

I also stayed because of the way Scott’s manipulative behavior effected how I viewed myself.  He made me the victim, and my acceptance of that role allowed Scott to keep his control over me.  Scott projected his issues onto me, leaving a husk of the person I used to be, to feed his ego. I didn’t see through Scott’s ruses.  I didn’t call them out fearful of his repercussions.  I allowed Scott’s behavior to go unchecked by not actively taking a stand against it — and for good reason.  When I did stand up to Scott, he punished me, abusing me both verbally and physically.  I failed from the beginning to set proper boundaries. 

 Scott started the negative comments and hammered them home until I believed it entirely. When you start to feel so low and worthless, you genuinely believe that they are your best option. You believe that no one else will ever love or accept you because that’s what they’ve conditioned you to think – even friends won’t accept you. Because of that, you fear the thought of being alone (one of my greatest fears).  You think no one else will fill the gap in your heart that has been pried wide open with manipulation and malicious criticism. You fear that all the insults and criticisms were true. I let harsh words and his poisoned opinions rule my thinking. 

Alienation was also a major factor why I didn’t leave. While living abroad for ten years having three small children including one with special needs, I just couldn’t pack up and leave. We moved so frequently it was easy for Scott to alienate me from friends and family that supported me. I was also alienated financially, having given up my career to support him in all our moves.  We relied solely on Scott’s income. My career was long gone.  I was terrified at the thought of getting a job having been out of the workforce for so long with my skillset being significantly outdated, or so he made me believe.  

The rest was fear, plain and simple.  Fear of the unknown and Scott’s continuous threats I’d heard so often:  if I ever left, he would leave me with nothing and ruin my relationship with the children.  Scott did exactly that.  But I did survive, and I hope that our children will one day come to understand his illness and forgive me for staying as long as I did in a toxic relationship that ultimately dragged them into the middle. 

We often stay in abusive relationships for reasons that are healthy, even though the situation isn’t.  Scott projected his insecurities as a detached parent onto me making me question my sanity and parenting abilities, the very thing that mattered to me the most. Then there was my internal conflict to keep the family unit intact for the children.  But soon I realized while my vows were pulling me in one direction, the need to care for myself and my children in the other direction had to be my priority. I had to save myself and my spirit if I was going to take care of our children, stopping this dysfunctional modeling, hoping they would learn what a healthy relationship is eventually. 

When we think about making major changes in our lives, our thoughts naturally go to the world around us. We not only want to do what is right in principle; we also want to do what others will approve of. I guess one of the things that surprised me most in my educational journey was how strong this feeling was for me. I was always a people pleaser, needing validation and social acceptance. I hated being alone. I was really carrying around a strong feeling that an awful lot of people would judge what I did, especially living in such a small community. Even writing my book/blog, I worried what others may think knowing what happened behind the closed doors of our seemingly perfect Facebook life. 

I felt shame and embarrassment; I never thought I would get divorced, no matter what Scott did to me.  I had to work hard to get a handle on this. In reality, people didn’t really care. The negative judgment from others really isn’t there. The thought that I am a good mother because I kept my family unit intact needed to be set aside, replaced with thoughts that are centered in more basic ideas. “I am a good mother” because I care about my children. Now I have the courage and ability to hopefully be a role model to my children. I want them to also be free from their father’s manipulation to truthfully assess the goodness of their lives. I am a “good person” because I love and care for myself, my children, and for others.  

It’s time to believe.

Believe . . .

To accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth.  

Hold (something) as an opinion; think or suppose.  

Believe in yourself, your intuition, your courage, your strength, your future.

 

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